For a Good Time, Call... Page #2

Could you die'?

Literally,

could you die?

Hardwood floors, the windows,

Gramercy Park is right out there

and it's

a historical landmark.

Katie's grandmother

got this place in the '40s.

She was a knitting maven.

Oh. And a stripper, too, I see.

What is that?

You don't need to

judge my bubbie.

Honey, no one's

judging anybody's bubbie.

You know what?

Katherine, why don't you tell Lauren

a little bit about the place?

I'm gonna go get some Monster

because I'm a little...

Look at me, I'm shaking.

I'm a little low energy.

I'll be right back, okay?

You want some lo mein?

You wanna finish it off?

No.

Okay. I'll throw it away

or put it in the fridge'?

I don't care.

Okay.

Well, this is

an apartment.

I'm sure you're familiar with

what that is structurally.

This is a living room.

That's a dining room.

There's a chair.

That's a lamp.

Grandma, and down the

hall is my room.

That's private because I'm

a very private person

and across the hall

is Bubbie's room.

She died in there.

Let's go see your bedroom.

Come on. Come on.

Don't go in my room!

I said it was private!

And you can hang

all your pictures.

Okay, now don't mind the odor.

It's a bit pungent.

That's Bubbie.

She's still lingering,

but that'll be gone.

It'll be dissipated.

Look at this, though.

Look at this personal space.

Invaluable in New York, right?

This is a bedroom, or is it?

Or is it a dance studio? I don't

know, there's so much space here.

I mean, can you believe this?

And the closet space?

Forget the windows, the windows

with the light coming in.

It's like living

on the sun!

These hardwood floors,

if there was a knot in the floor

big enough for my ding-dong,

I would f***

the sh*t out of them.

Good. Good. How could you trick me?

You know I hate her.

'Cause you need a place to

stay and she needs a roommate.

I don't want to.

I know.

Fine. Okay.

Okay.

The place is amazing.

You're right, okay? Right?

Yes, the windows are huge,

the floors are lovely, okay'?

What is that?

Is that a pedicure chair?

It is for my back.

Okay, it's for her back.

She's got a bad back.

What is all this sh*t?

I don't know.

Stop touching

Bubbie's things!

Okay, you, you,

let's go, outside.

Don't touch it!

In the hallway.

Conference, family conference.

Get over here.

Yeah, I know, pouting!

We're gonna take a walk.

B*tch one and b*tch two, go. I

need a minute of your time, okay?

A minute where

you are just neutral

and you're not

judging each other

and you're not holding

onto all this sh*t.

Close your eyes, close your eyes.

Open your hearts, please.

Indulge me. Please.

Oh, god bless you!

Thank you, Katherine.

You guys, together,

could take this place

from nursing home

to "let's nurse some

cocktails at home," right?

I'm talking about a trip to Design

Within Reach led by Lauren,

I'm talking about cool

street-art done by Katie,

I'm talking about getting rid of

that floral print monstrosity,

taking it outside, pissing

on it and burning it,

and then you know what, we'll

replace it with something simple,

something from...

I don't know.

Now, I want you to open your

eyes on the count of three.

And I want you to

see your new home.

And I don't want you to

thank me right away,

but overtime, yes, I think

I'm owed a little thanks.

One, two, three.

I release you.

It does sound like

a nice place to live.

Yeah, almost as nice as that neighborhood

you left me in so I could get raped.

What?

You were raped?

- No, but I could have been.

- God!

Why can't my friends

be f***in' friends?

Whenever I smell urine,

it reminds me

of the time

you peed in my hair.

Oh! There was a bump! What do

you want me to say about it?

There was no bump!

Okay, stop it!

You two hate each other

for no reason!

I am so sick and tired of

living like a child of divorce.

Why don't you

just live together

for the summer?

See how it goes?

Okay.

Lauren, honey,

I have a question.

Where are you

sleeping tonight?

'Cause it's not at my place.

I have that Peruvian boy

coming over from the gym.

And, Katherine,

may I remind you

that your most

promising applicant

has been that woman

that looked like Ted Danson

and could not

stop queefing?

Do you want that? Hmm?

You two,

my gorgeous angels,

are about to be homeless

in Washington Square Park

over a f***ing party foul.

And I don't like to give out spare

change, so you're on your own.

Hey, can you

watch my stuff?

I'd love to.

Thanks.

I was thinking

about that barf color

you have on the walls

of your living room,

and I thought this dove gray would

actually really open up the space.

You get two walls,

I get two walls.

Welcome home.

Great.

How much for the lamp?

$10.

I'm moving

your chair out of my room!

Oh, my God, yeah.

I love the way you feel.

You feel so good. Yeah.

Ooh, I do like when you

tickle my boobies like that.

Tickle my boobies.

Tickle them.

Hey,

can I get in there?

I just really

have to pee and then

I have to get ready

for work. I'll be so fast.

All right.

I don't care. Come in.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Where do you work that

requires so much makeup?

I'm just doing a lot of

writing, being super creative.

Did you have someone

over here last night?

It's none

of your business.

But yes.

Okay.

Oh, my God, Lauren.

Sounds like

somebody has a UTI.

You can't hear a UTI.

I'd invest in some cranberry

juice if I were you.

Okay, fine, you know what? You pee in

cups in cars while they're moving.

Ooh. I like

a little fire in you.

Katie,

there's no toilet paper.

Katie,

there's no toilet paper.

What? I can't hear you!

I'm running late! Bye!

I have to let you go.

I'm old. I'm tired.

And let's face it, it's time

to close the place down.

You're smart.

That's why I hired you.

And that's why you're gonna be

great out there on your own.

I thought I would take over when you retired.

What about your clients?

You're gonna be great

out there on your own.

Work is good.

It's just...

...really busy.

Sweetie, tell us some more

about the new place.

We've been dying to come over and

help you set it up. I mean...

Yeah, just give us a good

time and we'll come over.

Did you eat

all my hot dog buns?

I'm on the phone!

They're kosher!

I know you stole my lamp!

What?

What'd you say?

Sorry, Dad.

The apartment is spectacular.

My roommate is whatever.

Well, you won't have to live

with this person for long, honey.

Charlie will come back.

They always do.

But, sweetie, lock up Grandma's pearls.

We don't know this girl.

Buongiorno! It's Charlie. I

can't get to my phone right now

because I'm probably doing

something awesome in Italy,

but I'll get back to you

as soon as I can. Ciao!

Is this your job?

No.

Yes, you have paint all over

your face and also on your body.

Take a seat. Come on.

You got to sit down to have

your nails done, so...

So you're not a writer?

I write every day.

Like I said, I'm creative, so I

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