For a Good Time, Call... Page #7

close with my mom,

so I called my older,

cooler cousin Wendy

and I went over to her house.

I bike ride-ed over and she

brought me into the bathroom

to do the whole tampon tutorial,

you know what I mean?

And like we're standing

there, legs open, flaps open.

Are you with me?

Mmm-hmm. I'm just stoned.

Okay.

And jamming it up there

and I'm trying to make it fit

and there's blood everywhere

and it just looks like

this horrible murder scene

and I look over and

that's when I see it.

A wart.

You had genital warts

at 12?

Not on me!

On Wendy's left labia!

And she saw me see it.

Obviously I was horrified, and

that's when she said it to me,

"if you don't want one of these,

don't have sex in high school.

"After that, just make sure you're

in love with whoever it is."

And no one was

ever in love with me.

I'm a virgin.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, that can't be true.

Yes, it is.

I've never even

had a boyfriend.

But I went to

college with you.

I thought you

were the school slut.

Well, that's what everyone thought.

But I wasn't doing any of it.

I was just

talking a lot of sh*t.

And then I just got so scared around

guys, I would just like clam up.

You just...

All the time?

You don't ever?

Just stop looking at me!

I'm just all talk, literally!

Okay.

Tina Fey lost her

virginity at, like, 27.

Okay? And she's

pretty cool, I think.

And you are gonna be

mind-blowing at sex.

I mean, if your body

can keep up with your mouth,

you are gonna make some guy's

head just pop right off his neck.

And being in love

when you do it?

Only gonna make it better.

I have an idea.

Bum-bada-bum!

These are yours.

Use them.

That way,

when you're ready for Sean,

or whoever else is lucky enough

to fall in love with you,

you'll be ready.

Okay.

Maybe not Earl.

How about this one? Kevin.

Thanks, Ren.

1-900-MMM-HMMM.

That's 1-900-M-M-M-H-M-M-M.

And cut!

Yeah, it's still

feeling a little stiff.

Really?

Well, no, I mean, I'd call.

I mean, I already did call.

Maybe you guys

should have a drink.

It doesn't take much,

friend.

Can you get me

a glass of wine, please?

Will you get me a glass

of wine, please, too?

Yeah, fine. I just think a little

bit more like, "Are you alone?"

Well, we'll talk about it. I just

felt like you weren't in the tub.

All right.

We'll do better!

Thank you.

Thank you!

I just

saw your nipple!

I can never find

my keys in this bag.

I don't know why you don't

use that zipper compartment.

Oh, my God.

It's Laxton Press!

Well, I'm not gonna get it. I'm never

talking to that b*tch ever again.

No, get it!

I have an idea.

Get it!

Hello? This is

Lauren Powell.

You are a vision in

my dress! My God!

I want to go with you

to the interview.

I can't believe I'm gonna tell

Laxton Press to shove it.

Are you sure I'm

doing the right thing?

Yes!

You have nothing to lose. It's not

like you're gonna work there.

Go in there and tell her what

a good phone f***er you are

and then come home to me

and we can celebrate

'cause it's commercial night!

I have something

I wanna say.

Have you been

masturbating again?

Because you don't have

to tell me every time.

No, no, no, no.

It's not that.

I love you.

Should we hug or something?

Yeah.

Okay!

Okay.

Go have fun at

your bogus interview.

Make that lady feel sorry she never

hired you in the first place.

Hmm.

You're different.

What's going on here?

Oh!

Oh.

I've been running

a phone sex line.

You? Yeah,

that's funny.

For reals?

Is it for charity?

Hi, Jess.

Hi, Katie!

I'm here with Zelda.

Doesn't she look a lot like

a young Carol Channing?

She's so cute.

Hey, who's ready

to put some of

my famous bean dip

in their mouths

while watching the first cut

of our phone sex commercial?

I am! I am!

Ooh-ooh!

Hey, is Lauren back yet?

From her power play

interview? No, not yet.

I have to say, I think

what you guys are doing

is so weird and

Single White Female-y,

but then again, I'm stroking

Zelda like I'm a Bond villain.

So, who am I to

talk about weird?

Did you get the DVD?

Yes,

it's already in the player.

Wait, somebody's here. I got to go.

I can't wait to see you. Bye!

We're back!

Hey.

Hi.

Can we come in?

Yes, yes, please.

Come on in.

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you!

Hey, you.

And you!

We could really use

a strong female editor

that wants to grow

with our company.

Just somebody like you that

understands a good business model.

I know you've had a fun

summer doing phone sex.

It's a phase.

I love a good phase.

I'm a hasbian.

I made love to a woman with

crooked bangs for six months.

Are you following me

back to reality?

'Cause what happens?

What happens when you're

crossing Seventh Avenue,

holding that hot soy latte,

and a cab comes out of nowhere

and just takes you out?

And you don't

have benefits?

Are you really gonna be a phone sex

operator the rest of your life?

Take the job, Lauren.

This place

just looks great.

The balloons are

really festive.

Thank you.

Hard not to

focus on this here.

This...

What? What are you talking about?

Just kidding.

I know.

We're having a bachelorette

party here tonight

and I had 'em and I thought, "Hell,

I'll throw 'em on the table."

Titty f*** me!

Stoop sale.

You get the damnedest

things there.

You guys,

I just wanna tell you

Lauren and I have been having

such an amazing summer.

I honestly feel

like she is my sister.

Which, cha-ching,

makes you guys my parents!

I always wanted normal parents.

Hi.

What time was

her appointment?

2:
00.

It was at 2:
00.

Man, I cannot wait to

hear about that, huh?

Hi. Another surprise visit?

There's my girl!

Honey, my goodness, what

are you wearing, sweetie?

I can see your bra.

Never mind. Sweetheart,

you get the job?

How was it?

It was really good.

It was a great interview.

They actually offered me

the job right on the spot.

I know, it has insurance

and a 401 plan.

The position is really,

really fantastic.

So...

So I took it.

This is great news!

We have to celebrate!

Are you serious?

Honey, I am so proud.

Why don't you change

and we'll all go

have a big lunch

at Sarabeth's.

Put on something

that fits

'cause you know we always run

into Daddy's work friends there.

Katie, why don't you

come to my room with me

and you can help me

pick out an outfit,

and I'll tell you

more about the job.

I'm sure you'll be

fine on your own.

Okay.

Mom, Dad.

I would love to tell you more

about our special summer

because Lauren has been so shy

about it, but at our party tonight

we were gonna have a screening

of something we made

and I would love to

share it with you. Please.

Sure.

Come with me, will you?

Oh! So exciting!

I love an audience.

Oh, hi.

It's nice to see you.

Do you ever wonder why

you're alone in the tub?

It's so lonely when you're

in the tub alone, isn't it?

You don't have to

be so lonely anymore.

If you have one of these.

You can just

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes