For a Good Time, Call... Page #6

you said I had a nice ass.

Mmm. Eat me

for lunch at your desk!

That feels so good.

Do you have a big calculator?

I have to pee so bad! It's

Harold, our new tax attorney.

I got a big calculator,

I got the biggest!

Yeah, I got a big

calculator for you.

I want you to

press 5-8-0-0-8.

You know what

that spells? "B*obs."

Audit me, Harold!

Inspect every inch of my bod

with a fine-tooth comb.

I'm about to jizz!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

I think you

found my loophole!

It happened!

Pleasure doing

business with you, Harry.

Hey, can you fax over

those I-9s? Okay. Bye.

Okay, bye-bye.

Thank you. Bye.

Becky!

Thank you.

What a relief.

You're welcome.

Is that a gift for me?

Yes.

And I have one, too,

and we're going out.

Oh, my God!

We're matching!

Let's start with

the artichoke dip.

Yes, and then do you maybe wanna

do like the brown sugar pork?

Yes, and like a salad.

With dressing on the side?

With dressing on the side, of course.

Okay, good.

Okay. What is going on here?

Let's just tell him.

Are you guys scissor dancing?

Honestly.

You know, I hate lesbians,

but you have to tell me.

I'll make an exception,

I'll get past it for you two.

No!

What then?

We are running a phone sex line.

Boom!

Shut up.

Not my idea!

And this doesn't

make me a whore!

A whore? No!

This makes you awesome!

She just phone-f***ed the

sh*t out of our accountant.

What's going on?

What? Wait, wait, wait, wait! But

what happened to Lawson Press?

Laxton Press, and that b*tch

never called me back, so...

Screw her! She has me.

Wow.

You ladies are living some f***ed-up

version of the American dream.

You have to tell me,

what do these guys say?

Is it all like penis in vagina?

Where do the d*cks go?

I've had phone anal.

You had phanal? Oh, my

God, I'm so good at that!

Can I work for you guys?

No! It's girls only.

No.

This stinks.

No fair.

I could be the unicorn

this time if you want.

Actually, I was

thinking since we both...

Hey, sorry I wasn't here

for your call at 10:00,

but I had to get

out of this apartment.

You know, it's okay.

I was thinkin'

maybe we could meet up?

In person?

What?

Well, we haven't had

phone sex in a week

and we still

talk every day.

And I loved your essay

and you made it

through my short film.

It's kind of like

we're already dating,

so I thought maybe we could meet up?

Like Friday?

Hello?

I f***ed this up.

I'm sorry.

Okay, let's do it.

Really?

You don't have to.

No. No, I want to.

I do, I really want to.

Shaquanda, I can't

wait to meet you.

Oh, yeah.

Urn...

Actually my name

is Katie.

Hello.

Lauren?

Lauren? Lauren?

Hey. What?

What were you

doing in there?

I was working. What?

Did you just

have phone sex?

Do we not run

a phone sex line?

Well, yeah, but...

You slut! You just put

your fingers in your puss!

Ew! No!

You know that a little pony

dies every time you do that.

Did you wash your hands?

Maybe I didn't!

Ew!

Whatever.

You must do it all the time.

Ew. No.

You're not that

good of an actress.

Anyways-...

Urn...

10:
00 Sean lives in Brooklyn. That

is not just a billing address.

And now we have

a date on Friday night.

So.

No.

Why not?

I don't know, 'cause

he's probably a rapist.

Oh, please! Don't judge him. You

and I are the ones on the phone.

Please?

I haven't been on

a date in forever.

Now I've had a taste

of the outside world!

I want more!

It's just gonna be

a cool bar in Brooklyn.

I'll come home,

I promise.

Fine. But you

play by my rules.

What are your rules?

You'll see on Friday,

won't you'?

Is that a new shower head?

Yeah.

It pulsates. On my body.

Cute dance.

Okay. That's good.

I, literally, never wanna

see that dance ever again.

Oh! You just blinded me

with that dance.

I am now blinded.

These are the rules.

Step one, put these on.

Way too small for me.

That's the point, okay?

10:
00 will never be

able to get in these.

It is rape-prevention

wear at its best.

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Okay, step two.

Bug spray-

What?

I didn't know where to buy

mace and I just figured

it'll do the same thing when

you spray him in the face.

What the hell kind of purse

would that even fit in?

You can borrow my tote.

I've already filled it

with some other stuff.

What, no canned goods

for my survival?

All right, I'll take it. Hell,

throw it in my new tote bag!

I am ready to

survive date rape!

Ta-da!

Can I please get

one drink? Please?

My blood alcohol

level's dangerously low.

No, you're leaving.

Don't make me go. I don't wanna

go back to that apartment.

I'm outside.

Guys!

Is that him?

Is that him?

He looks like

T.T. Barber.

All right, I need you both to,

like, bring it down a notch.

All right? I will

know him when I see him.

Is that him?

Look at that lumberjack.

A lot of bears here.

You like a bear.

I like a bear.

Katie?

Yes.

Hi.

Hi.

Wow! You are really pretty.

And you are

really pretty, too.

I'm sorry. I didn't know

you were bringing people.

That's cool.

These are just my

overprotective friends

that are gonna be

leaving in a second.

I'm Katie's

Lauren. Hello.

Hi.

What's up, man? Jesse Lawson.

Hey.

How are you doing?

Good.

You like comedy?

Do you like to laugh?

Check it out.

You're welcome to come.

It's a $10 cover.

Two drink minimum.

Great.

Yeah.

Okay.

Awesome.

Okay, good.

I'm good, guys.

My word.

Nice to meet you.

Nice meeting you.

Bye.

I'm just gonna

say this.

I do not think

it's weird at all

that you guys met

on a phone sex line.

I don't think it's weird.

'Cause, you know what? F*** it.

- Life is weird, right?

- Let's go.

No. I was in

the shower this morning

and have you ever

thought about hair?

Think about human hair.

Let's go.

Some's curly, some's...

It's weird.

Bye.

Don't worry about it.

All right.

Sorry. Sweet.

Yes.

Sweet as can be.

And very funny.

Yeah. Well, he's a

comedian, you know, so.

Nice to finally meet you.

All right. Let's do it.

Ready. Okay.

Cheers.

Cheers.

You're right. This is so much more

comfortable than being at the bar.

Can I open my eyes now?

No.

You cannot look at me

and I cannot look at you.

It's easier this way.

Trust me.

You know, I approached two other

girls before I found you.

I met a Christina

and a Lily.

No, you didn't.

I saw you walk in and you

walked right towards me.

No, I know, you're right.

I knew it was you.

You're cute.

You better not be peeking.

I'm not.

Let's open our

eyes anyway, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Count of three.

One, two, three.

Put it anywhere.

Lauren!

Put it anywhere.

You're home!

How was it?

It was great!

Did you smoke

that whole joint?

Uh-huh.

Tell me about your date.

It was amazing.

It was, like, the best

date I have ever been on.

It was never awkward.

And then we started kissing,

which, by the way, was just...

He was so good.

And then...

What? Did he get

in my Spanx?

No.

What?

Well, I got my period

when I was 12

and I wasn't

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