For a Good Time, Call... Page #5

Good. Did it crack?

Ooh. I like that.

Okay, now I want you

to crack all your toes.

Now, when you're

on the tenth one,

I want you to pull each lace out of

your shoe very slowly. Good boy.

Now, when you have

that lace out,

I want you to wrap it

around your balls.

You're gonna start

tugging really gentle.

Now, I'm gonna deliver you

a very special message

and when I do that, I want

you to pull real hard, okay?

You got that lace? Good.

Here's your special message,

Mr. Phone Caller.

Girl, you do a good braid.

I feel like she's talking

a lot of calls in there.

Do you wanna go check?

Yeah.

Okay.

You've got your hairy

dick in your hand, yeah?

That plastic bag over your head?

You feel like a naughty boy'?

You know who else thinks

you're a naughty boy'? G-O-D.

Forget this number. Do you

want God to damn you to Hell?

Because he just did.

What the f***! Get the

f*** off the phone!

We're running

a business here!

God bless you.

Jesus loves you.

Your business

is disgusting.

What is that?

It's a cross.

I know what it is!

I know what it is!

I am an undercover

agent of the Lord.

And you two didn't

even know. Even you.

And you seem smart.

I saved

some souls tonight

and that's more than I can say

for you two phone whores!

All right, well, obviously you're fired!

Out! Outwith you!

Get out!

Jesus loves you, too.

Come on!

Out, out, out!

Let there be

no filth in this...

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

We're Jews.

I don't

wanna hear it!

Oh, God, I'm cumming!

Amen!

Oh, my God.

F***ing Craigslist.

What happened?

I just picked up

the phone and he came.

I should be

our second operator.

I don't wanna be

boring anymore.

Are you high?

I appreciate the sentiment,

but we just lost

half our callers

to f***ing Jesus of

Nazareth back there.

Look, I will do

whatever you tell me to do.

I will lick whatever

you want me to lick.

I will make us so much money.

I'm good at everything.

You know that.

All right.

I'm gonna take

a chance on you, kid.

We start training tomorrow.

Now, you just say the words

as I point to them, okay'?

"Dripping, hole,

clenches."

Next.

"Hard, cock, jams."

Next.

"Wet, snatch, opens."

Say it like you mean it!

Okay, let's

give this a try.

There's a lot of

d*ldos in there.

What? I used to

work in a sex shop.

Oh, I love it when

your cock is in my mouth!

Now you try.

Has this ever been

in your...

Hello?

Tell me what you're wearing,

you dirty little slut.

Oh, it's this cute dress

from Cynthia Vincent.

Lauren! Hey, I thought we were

gonna take this seriously, right?

Harder!

Faster!

I'm wearing a lacy, pink thong.

It slid right up my ass.

And a bra that is just so

tight on my heaving breasts.

Good. Good.

I like it when

they're long and hard,

oh, when they really

are just so, so meaty.

Jesus, have you

murdered each other?

It's some real

War of the Roses sh*t.

I feel like Danny DeVito.

Call me.

I wanna rub your breasts

when I see you in that dress.

Mmm-hmm.

I wanna rub my own breasts

when I see you in that dress.

Ooh, yeah?

Where else are you pink?

I wanna take you to dinner

when I see you in that dress.

Then, after dinner, I'm gonna take

you home and I'm gonna f*** you.

I'm gonna rip

that dress off you

and I'm gonna

f*** you so hard.

Cum for me, baby.

Boop!

Yes! Yes! Oh, I'm cumming! I'm cumming!

I'm cumming! I'm cumming!

Oh, God, yes!

Oh, yes.

Well, I just blew my load all over your tits.

I'll see you inside.

Hey, don't make fun of me, but I'm

gonna send you that essay I wrote.

I'll send you

that film I cut.

It's only the longest short

film in the history of cinema.

Is this the one

about the little man

that lives inside

of the cardigan?

No, this one is about the conjoined

twins who found happiness.

Oh, okay.

That's my other line,

but call me later

and let's talk

about them. Bye.

1-900-MMM-HMMM.

Uh, a three-way?

Urn...

Yes, we can do that.

Hold for Billing, please.

Lauren!

You need me to

run the card?

Yes, and then

I need you to stay.

It's time for your

first call, honey.

Ready?

Yes.

Hi.

I'm Kitty and I'm

here with my friend.

Hello, I'm...

...Catty.

Hello,

Kitty and Catty.

I guarantee you, that's gonna confuse

me once I start whackin' off

but for now

that's okay.

I've heard you've been a bad

boy and I'm here to save you.

I'm actually the one who

will be doing the saving

because I am

a goddamn man

who flies people through the

sky on a bird made of steel.

I'm an airplane pilot and I'm

masturbating while taking a sh*t.

Tell me what you

ladies are wearing.

Well, Catty is

wearing a lace nightie

and I'm caressing her

with my tongue.

Okay. I'm starting to

masturbate and I'm done pooing.

What part of her

skin specifically

are you caressing

with your tongue?

MY nipples.

Nice.

Okay. Great.

Now you know what

I want you guys to do?

I want you to put your tongues

on a collision course

and just ram

those f***ers.

Ram tongues.

Catty is... Oh,

she's such a good kisser.

Her lips are so

luscious and wet.

Okay, so, Catty,

what do Kitty's

underpants look like?

Oh! They're so cute!

I mean, they're...

Well, they're leopard print.

There is an animal up

her tight, sexy ass.

Nice.

Kitty, what do Catty's

underpants look like?

She's not wearing any panties.

Do you like that?

No, I don't. I think that's

gross, to be totally honest.

You're just, what?

You're just sweating vagina

juice in your jeans all day?

That's disgusting.

Put on underpants.

Tell me when you have them on.

So I can keep masturbating.

Jerry, come on,

the flight's about to leave.

Dude, I'm jerking off in here,

right this second, literally,

and you're ruining it.

Just delay the flight, okay?

Now, Catty, look at Kitty

and tell me what you see.

She's so pretty.

She has the most

beautiful eyes.

And her hair is

soft around her face.

And Catty is

so beautiful.

She has this luminous skin

that I would kill for.

She is so nice

and honest,

and such a good friend.

Kitty is just so

fun and outgoing

and she lights up

every room.

And she gives

great manicures.

You guys have any d*ldos or

anything like that around?

Listen, last night was...

You made me proud. You're a

real phone sex operator now.

I know.

I'm a slut.

Is it okay I'm a slut?

Yeah.

A slut that made

$800 in one night!

I don't know if I'm just,

like, being emotional

because of last night

or whatever,

but I want you to stay.

Really stay.

Past the summer.

Okay.

Pinky swear.

I have a friend who's a girl.

And I like it!

You can't take that job at Laxton Publishing.

Let's go full time.

Okay.

It's Laxton Press.

And last night

was my first night,

so let's just take this

as it comes, okay?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I get it.

I almost forgot.

We're gonna be twins!

I'll have you know

I schlepped all the way

to Brooklyn to

get this for you.

I will not let you down.

I'm only givin' it to you because

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