Foreign Exchange

[atmospheric electronic music]

# #

[sighs]

"Hi, Dave.

"I wanted to introduce myself.

"My name is Laurent,

"and I'm your foreign exchange

student for the semester.

"I like to play soccer.

"Our team is very good.

"I love meeting new people

and experiencing new things.

"I want to let you know

"that I have a girlfriend

back here,

"but she's fine with me having

some fun while I'm in the USA.

"I have enclosed a picture

of me and my best friend.

I can't wait to meet you."

[mumbling]

[driving rock music]

[car horn honks]

(Shantz)

Yo, calm down, fudge packer.

I'm doing

some very important work here.

What is that?

You, you have anything

that could play this?

No, man, not 8 millimeter.

Damn it.

Shantz, your math assignment,

gave you a B-minus

just so we don't ruffle

any feathers.

Sweet!

My genius!

All right, so you have

a geometry test today.

It's on proof of triangles

and polygons.

Triangles and--

and polygons?

Polygons.

Dude, that's--

What, that's in Washington

for history.

I did--

dude, I promise you.

I studied last night.

The polygon

is in Washington, D.C.

No, no,

that's the Pentagon, man.

That's the Pentagon.

(Shantz)

Sh*t.

[driving rock music]

(man) # I look outside to see

my dream a ways #

[car horn honks]

(Shantz) Get your powdered-cologne ass

out here!

So she's blowing me.

My grandpa calls.

Oh, no!

Grandpa Ernest.

And you know what I do?

I talk on the phone

the whole time.

Oh, watch this.

I'm gonna get her.

There she is.

There she is.

Get her.

[laughter]

[cheering]

Hey, guys.

(Jay) Yeah, bro,

she smelled that sh*t.

[laughing]

Hey, yo, Dave,

get your ass out here

before Robin comes over

and molests me.

Dave better bang that chick

this year.

(Jay)

For a girl like that

to be a virgin,

that's like having wings

and never flying.

That's pretty deep, Jay.

Thanks.

Been saving that one

for a while.

What's up, Dave?

Hey, wiener breath.

You want road head?

I'll give you a blow job

right now.

(Hashbrown) You know what, Shantz?

You're stupid.

(Jay) If you're so smart, bro,

you wouldn't have got caught.

(Shantz) Oh, come on,

that was totally worth it.

The look on Lonnatini's face?

That was priceless.

(Shantz)

Do the face. Do the face.

[laughter]

Jay, because of us

getting caught,

you now have

some hot piece of tail

staying in your house

for the next three months.

You should be licking

my taint.

Keep asking, buddy.

Never gonna happen.

Look, it will be

an easy "A," okay?

And next year, we'll be laughing

about this at "O" State,

so let's just do

this thing.

Yes!

- Yo!

[singing spiritedly]

It's great.

Oh, Disco Danny.

What's up, dude?

Don't fight it.

Ow, f***.

Bro, bro,

get it away.

What is wrong

with you?

Three years and haven't

gotten it right.

Dude, I feel sorry

for your dick, man.

[moaning]

[moaning]

I get it.

I get it.

Oh, dude, Dave,

check this out, man.

Found it

in my dad's basement.

What is it?

Think it's some kind

of old-school porn.

Is it a film?

Yeah.

There's a light

right there.

She's got

the 70's hip-to-hip.

Look at that.

LL?

What's LL, man?

Uh, "long-haired ladies,"

I guess.

[all speaking at once]

Ladies and gentlemen,

your attention please.

People.

People!

Shut your gaping holes!

All right.

Now, you're all here

because your exchange students

are arriving today.

(man)

Wait, wait a second.

I thought we were

the exchange students.

Oh, man.

I was all ready to go

to Amsterdam, man.

Ah, crap, I even broke up

with my girlfriend.

And I quit my job

at Hotdog on a Stick, man.

I told my dad off.

It was hard to pack

the sleeping bag.

That's a great example

of what happens

when you're dumb.

Is everyone else sure

they're in the right place?

Yes, ma'am.

- Right here.

Present.

[clears throat]

Good.

Here are the files

for each of your

foreign exchange students.

They are being dropped off

at 3:
00

in the school parking lot.

You all are going to be

shining examples

of what our beautiful school

can produce.

(Shantz)

Uh, Principle Lonnatini,

the four of us would like

to gracefully withdraw

from this wonderful opportunity

to allow other

deserving students the chance--

Zip it, meathead.

After third period,

I'd like to see the four of you

in my office.

Dude, this is gonna

totally suck balls, man.

You and Jay get

hot, horny girl babes.

I get some eastern blockhead.

Dude, come on, man.

I deserve it, all right?

After all these years waiting

for Robin to come around.

Whatever.

Oh, f***, Mia Ho.

Turn around.

Who's ho?

Mia Ho.

Just turn around please.

Hi, Dave.

Hey, what's up, Ho?

Hi, Shantz.

Oh, my god, Dave.

This week's issue of

The Hughes Herald is brilliant.

The piece you did

on the school marching band

was genius.

I really like

that you used my name in it.

That was so sweet.

Well, you know, I used

everyone in the band's name,

so it's...

Oh. I know.

But it's totally sweet.

So you want to hang out later?

Oh, sorry,

but he can't.

We're having a party tonight

to loosen up

our foreign exchange students.

Maybe another time, Ho.

All right.

Shantz, why do you always

call me by my last name?

It's a jock thing.

I do it to everybody.

Hey, Boyle,

what's up, buddy?

It's what I do.

Keepin' it real.

All right.

Whatever.

Well, anyway,

maybe another time, Dave.

Any time.

All righty.

Anyhoo.

My little Davie ready to bang

some French chicks or what, huh?

I don't know.

- Come on.

Shantz, I don't know, man.

I really don't want to

screw sh*t up with Robin and me.

Wow, you know, for a girl,

you got a lousy rack.

F*** you.

Oh, hey, Robin.

(Robin)

Hey, Shantz.

Dave, are you going

to French with me?

French with you?

Class, French class.

Right.

Uh, no,

actually,

I forgot to do my homework,

so I think I'm gonna skip.

Oh.

- Yeah.

So what are you ladies

doing tonight?

Nothing, actually.

What are you guys doing?

Um, we're just--

Jay's house.

- Yup.

Love for the foreigners.

All right?

Be there.

Awesome.

You two should wear

something low-cut

and easy to remove, okay?

Obviously, I'm gonna kill Jay

for not telling me sooner.

I got to go get me

an outfit.

Okay, so I'll see you tonight.

Yeah, I'll see you tonight.

I love you.

Ball check.

Oh, f***.

Did you just--

- Jesus Christ.

Did you just say

"I love you"?

The f***'s

the matter with you?

Hey, let me remind you about

who you are to Robin, okay?

No nooky, no ass,

no poontang, no booty,

no sweet, supple vagina,

no bobbin' on the knob

like corn on the cob,

no getting your pee-pee wet,

no skin flute symphony,

no labia lip-lock,

no beatin' the guts,

no cervix sucker punch,

no mushroom massage,

no mouth hug,

no long stride lefty,

you know, if you were

a little crooked like me,

no spraying the swimmers--

All right, Shantz, Shantz,

shut the f*** up.

I get it,

Jesus Christ.

F***, my stomach.

Look, I'm just trying

to make a point, Dave, okay?

It's senior year.

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