Foreign Exchange Page #2

I ask you again,

when are finally gonna get

your little in the middle?

I don't know,

all right?

Look, all I know is,

when it happens,

I want it to be perfect,

okay?

I want there to be fireworks

and Marvin Gaye playing,

and most importantly,

I want it to be with Robin,

okay?

Look, you got to

forget about Robin.

Forget about her.

Mia Ho.

Mia Ho is the way to go.

You know she wants it.

And that Asian p*ssy

is so tight,

it'll make even

that little pecker feel big.

You know what, you're a b*tch,

but you're right.

I know you're just

looking out for me, man.

I'm sorry about that, dude.

- Thank you, thank you.

I'm sorry, man.

Why is there

a poster of you up there?

What?

Oh!

You're a dick.

Principle Lonnatini, you--

you really like bush,

don't you?

Yes, yes, I--

I love bush.

I mean, wow,

you really, really love bush

don't you?

Yes, I do.

As much as I love bush,

I prefer a nice landing strip.

[snickering]

A good shave

is always nice.

[snickering]

[laughing]

You mean like a Brazilian wax?

[laughing]

What?

Did she just say that?

[loud thud]

God damn you.

You know, this is exactly

why I brought you all in here.

Your complete lack of respect

for anything important

is an insult

to every natural-born American.

I know you may want to coast

through your last semester

like the worthless

little parasites that you are,

suckling on the teat

of this United States

government-funded institution.

You remind me

of an itchy little rash

that you get one night

under the bleachers

with your dress

pulled over your head

and all your classmates yelling,

"Katie Rottencrotch!"

[whispering]

Rottencrotch?

Those wounds never heal.

But this is a beautiful school,

full of beautiful Americans

that shower every day,

and they don't speak

any other language

but good old-fashioned

American English.

You know, I don't know

who I want in this school less,

you four

or those burrito-munching

sand turds.

I have spent

my entire life being pro-life,

but I'm rethinking it now.

Get out.

(man)

Hashbrown,

are you with us on this problem?

Uh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Good, well, then I'm sure

you wouldn't mind

coming up

to help us out with it.

Word.

You skipped a grade, right, son?

Two actually.

I have a lot of friends

at M.I.T.

I'll put the good word

in for you if you want.

Actually, I'm going to State,

but thank you anyway.

State?

You're better than that.

Think about it.

So, Chelsea, you coming

to my party tonight?

I don't know.

Well, if you don't come,

I can't come.

It's your party, Jay.

Wouldn't you come anyway?

(Jay)

Probably,

but if you come,

I am guaranteed

to come.

Well, I want to come.

Who doesn't want to come?

Great, but it's not that easy

for me to just come.

There's a lot of work

to be done

before I can just come.

(Jay)

We can do that work together.

I'm just saying, you coming

will definitely

make me come without a doubt.

Even if I just heard you

say the words,

"Jay, I'm coming,"

that alone would probably

make me come.

Well, maybe I'll come.

(Jay) Maybe you will,

but from what I hear,

that's more up to the girl

than it is the guy.

[laughs]

What?

(Jay)

Nothing.

So, you coming?

Oh, I'm coming.

[driving rock music]

# #

(man)

Push it more.

Five more.

Five more.

You're looking swollen.

Yes.

Hey, Shantz, you want

to hop in here and get a set?

We can always use a third cock.

Damn it.

I got to graduate

with a 2.3 average

to get the scholarship.

Big deal, man.

Dude, you know

I have, like, a 1.9.

A little help.

A little help.

So her sister stumbles in,

and I'm like,

"b*tch, you wake him up,

you keep him up."

No.

It's true.

Hey, did I mention

she was a college chick?

See, sh*t like that

is gonna happen

every day at State.

The fantastic fornicating four.

(Shantz) Hey, guys,

I got a problem.

We know, Shantz,

but herpes is not treatable.

Shut up, jerk-off.

I can still kick your ass.

Touch.

Look, it might only be

the three amigos.

I got to get my GPA up to a 2.3,

or I don't get in.

That's some sh*t.

Dude, Shantz,

you've got to be joking me.

In other words,

it's a sure thing, slam dunk.

I'm never gonna make it.

That's almost straight "A"s.

That's all "A"s

and a B-plus.

You're screwed

and not in a good way.

No, uh-uh.

We got to have faith, man.

Look, this is

what we've always wanted

since we were kids,

all right?

We're going to State

together.

Dave, Shantz, my man,

don't you worry.

From now on,

I will do all your papers,

and no more "B"s.

We'll get you there.

Thanks, man.

You know, I could probably

get my hands and some tests,

have Hashbrown

fill them out for you.

We'll make it happen.

- Thanks, guys.

(Dave) We'd never leave you hangin',

bro.

Next year, we'll be living up

the college life

with f***in' titties

and just drinking--

You smell that?

Smells like three-legged deer,

fellas.

Three-legged deer?

Easy prey.

(Dave) Oh, right, right,

I get it.

Anita?

Si.

You must be Jake.

It's a pleasure

to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, guys,

this is Anita.

She's from Brazil.

So do you speak Brazilian,

or...

Mexican?

Spanish.

Portuguese.

Oh, I failed geology.

[laughs]

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Good morning, Gordon.

Listen, Drago,

it's Shantz, man,

Shantz, Shantz.

Okay?

What do we call you?

Emelianenko Tronovsky.

A million ankles?

Emelianenko.

Mil--

Screw it.

We're gonna call you

Russian Dude, okay?

Is that cool?

- Da.

Come meet the crew,

Russian Dude.

Hello, you must be--

Hashbrown, man.

Nice to meet you, Ganja.

Actually, it is Gan-ya.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Okay.

Hi, bonjour.

Which one of you

is Laurent?

Oh, no, I'm Sophie.

Oui, oui, Laurent.

Yes, Laurent.

Is she on the bus still?

No, no, I am--

me, I am Laurent.

You're--

Um, I think we're having

a miscommunication actually.

You see, you're a guy,

and my foreign exchange student

this hot blond

from France named

Laurent.

And plays soccer

and has a girlfriend.

F***.

You're the guy in the picture,

huh, not the girl?

Well, you are Dave, eh?

That's me.

[chuckles]

Besides yourself, Dave,

do you know where I can find

some American virgins?

Uh, no, no, I don't.

That's okay.

I will find them.

(Jay)

So, Anita,

why did you come

to America?

I come to study.

In Brazil, there is only so much

you can learn about America.

But to really learn

the economics,

the psychology, the politics,

you must live in the country.

Well, I will teach you

everything you need to know.

(Dave)

Hey, Mom.

Oh, honey,

they're here.

Hello,

my name is Laurent.

It is truly an honor

to meet you.

Oh--okey dokey.

Uh, boys--

Dave, do you want to show

Laurent to his room?

Yeah, sounds great.

Okay, Laurent,

to the east wing over here,

we have the ballroom.

Down here to the left,

we have an invisible leprechaun.

It's been there for years.

And this guys,

according to the paperwork,

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