Foreign Exchange Page #3

that's my father.

Hello.

Laurent.

Oui, Laurent.

Welcome to America.

- Thank you.

It's nice to have you.

Just stay as long as you like.

Let's not get crazy, pops.

All right, anyway,

so moving on,

down here to the right

is your bedroom.

[mouthing]

I think he's gay.

(Jay)

So what's this thing?

(Anita)

Amorita.

She's the goddess of love.

My culture says,

if you keep her with you

wherever you go,

you will eventually meet

the one you're destined for.

Oh, yeah?

Well, my culture says,

if at first you don't succeed,

try and try

and try again.

I think our cultures

are a little different.

You are what they call a player,

aren't you?

Pero amore.

Have you ever had a girlfriend?

(Jay)

Sure.

I had two just last week.

Will you excuse me?

I'd like to finish unpacking.

Whatever floats it.

But in the states,

a tight skirt works a lot better

than that troll.

Just so you know.

[Dave moaning]

[doorbell rings]

Delish, Mom.

We really hate to eat

and have the runs,

but seriously we really got

to take this show on the road,

little lady.

Now, Dave,

your mother is no lady.

Marv.

(Shantz)

Yo!

You people hear

the damn doorbell, huh?

Oh, Gordon.

Well, I never.

Oh, never say never,

Mrs. L.

I'll lay some pipe around here.

Huh?

[both laughing]

(Dave)

Look, I'm sorry, pops,

but we really got to go.

We don't want to be late

for the party.

Yeah, what's going on

at this party, Dave?

(Dave)

Just some harmless fun.

You know, a bunch of friends

getting together

to play some games,

like donkey punch.

Donkey punch?

Like pin the tail?

Yeah, yeah,

something like that.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, and we also play

this one called

the rusty trombone.

It's great.

Yeah, I'll teach you sometime.

Okay.

Definitely, definitely.

(Dave)

It's great.

What was the one

we played last week

with that--

oh, Dirty Sanchez.

It takes a while to learn,

but it's great.

(Marvin)

Boys, boys,

have you ever played

the Pittsburgh Platter Frenchman?

Huh?

Or how about

the Filching Frenchman?

[laughing]

(Shantz)

Ooh, Marv.

Educated man

your pops here.

[laughing]

Ooh la la.

All right,

we got to go.

Hashbrown's in the car.

Adios, Marv.

Be good, all right.

Uh, Dave, listen.

A nice clean coat of paint

doesn't necessarily mean

the car is new.

You know

what I'm saying?

(Shantz)

Yo, yo, yo!

Hey, nice getup,

douche bag.

Is it Gay Jay Day?

Yes, sir.

Hey, you got anything

that can play this?

Absolutely.

- Uh-uh.

Come on.

Hey, Jiminy Cricket,

how's it going?

Okay, all right.

Whoo! What's going on?

Up top

who's gay.

You? Got you.

That's what I thought.

Hey, you hear about

that volcano?

[bottles clink]

That's what

I'm talking about.

I'm sorry about that.

Hey, what's up?

Dude, wanted out back.

Why don't you guys go ahead,

and we'll meet up with you

in a little bit.

Hey, want to meet

a friend of mine?

Ooh, is she

a girlfriend, yeah?

Uh, more of just

a normal friend.

Ah, a normal friend.

Perhaps your normal friend

is up for some screwing, eh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?

You know, Dave,

the screw.

No, no, no, I got--

I got what you were saying,

but listen,

Robin's not like that, okay?

She's a good girl.

She's not like these hos.

If you miss this next shot,

you have to drink

that entire pitcher of beer.

(all)

Ooh!

Oh, you want to up the ante.

Yeah,

we'll take that challenge.

But if I make this next shot,

the next thing you girls lose

is your shirts.

(all)

Whoo!

Okay, Jay.

But haven't you already

seen mine before?

And mine?

(Jay)

Yes.

Hey, I'm just giving the people

what they want.

[cheering]

Well, come on.

- Do it.

[all chanting]

Tits! Tits! Tits!

Show us the hand warmers.

I have toilet!

I have toilet!

Oh, good morning,

American girls.

Hey, listen,

don't be a French a**hole, okay?

Me? Never, Dave.

Hey.

How are you?

- Good.

Um, sorry.

Laurent, this is Robin.

Robin, this is

my exchange student, Laurent.

Hi.

Thank you.

He's from France.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

You have nice friends,

Dave.

Thank you.

[distant reggae music playing]

And that's how you get

free cable for life.

Hashbrown,

I'm not feeling anything.

Dude, you never get high

the first time.

Take it from the Dalai Lama

of marijuana, pal.

[laughter]

Third time's the charm.

Have some more, man.

Really?

(man)

It's true, man.

It took me four times, man,

and when I finally got high--

let's just put it this way.

Do not ever have

your passport on you.

[laughter]

All right, Ganja, here's

a new American word for you:

Munchies.

Munchies.

Munchies.

Munchies.

I am gonna introduce you girlies

to the Loch Ness Monster.

Have you ever heard of

the Loch Ness Monster, huh?

Shantz, where's Dave?

I can tell you

where he's not.

He's not with two chicks

right now,

but I am.

Get the hell out of my way, ho.

Damn it.

Now, how do you say

menage a trois

in your France language?

(Robin) I will never look

at the Eiffel Tower

the same way again.

I know.

That's why they built it.

(Robin) You know, my parents

once took me to Paris.

Where did you say

you were from?

(Laurent)

Paris.

I love Paris.

There are great clubs there

where I go to hit on

sexy American women.

I went--

I visited Paris, Texas,

one time to visit

some relatives, yeah.

My uncle has a club foot.

It's not very sexy at all.

[laughs nervously]

Oh, Laurent, you are

so much more of a man than Dave.

Dave is such a p*ssy.

Toss my salad.

I would dip the sauce

all day.

(Mia)

Hi, Dave.

I've been looking

all over for you.

I'm so glad that you're here.

This is the coolest party,

and all the people are so cool.

Well, not everyone because some

of the people are really stupid.

But not you; you're cool.

But you know that,

and I know that.

This--oh, this one guy

in the back was throwing up.

(Dave)

Mia,

Why do you talk so much?

Well, Dave, I guess I was trying

to make conversation, you know?

Conversing conversationally

about conversational things

like your converse.

I like your shoes.

I'll be right back.

Robin?

Toilet!

It means, well,

the way to the soul

is through the eyes.

The mouth is the way

to the heart.

That's so interesting.

I suck at French.

I thought you said

something about "tie me up."

It was beautiful.

Come here, chicas.

Don't be shy;

I won't bite.

[growls]

Ooh, owie, owie,

my knee is killing me.

Would you mind just giving it

a rub, Sophie,

a little massage?

Massage on my way

to the Loch Ness Monster.

It's gonna get you.

Ooh, smells like home,

doesn't it?

What do you mean?

France, it's smell--

screw it.

Anyways, you girls

want to get crazy or what?

Oui, oui.

Oh, there's nothing wee

about it, baby.

I love France.

My pants,

get 'em off.

Toilet, toilet.

Are you kidding me?

[Emelianenko moaning]

No, no, no,

wait, wait, wait,

stop, stop, stop, stop!

I can't understand

a damn thing you're saying, bro!

France, wait!

Wait! Wait!

I sh*t my pants.

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