Forget Paris Page #8

You know, to find out

who i really am by myself,

Who i could be, you know,

without any guy around...

I know i'm in here

somewhere.

I can hear myself

screaming from a distance.

Does mickey know

you feel this way?

I just don't think mickey would

understand it in the right way.

Things just weren't

comfortable anymore.

For either of them. It was like

they were pretending to be married.

It was sad because they were married

and they were both very lonely.

Aw, gee.

Brushless carwash.

Mario's pizza town.

Laundry world.

They decided to get help. They

went to a marriage counselor.

First of all, let me

explain my philosophy.

The way i see it,

marriage is simply a form of legalized rape.

Mickey thought they should see someone else,

doctors don and debbie.

If you miss me so much,

why aren't you happy when i come home?

I know you're going

to leave again.

I'm going to leave,

so let's not have a good time while i'm home?

Now it's my fault that we

don't have a good time?

When i come home,

i'm excited to see you.You're not excited, mickey.

You're horny.Is that such a bad thing?

When do you two get involved?

When there's gunplay?

I just want it to always

be like that week in paris.

It can't be

like that, mickey.

I know.

So finally, things

weren't getting any better.

So, ellen did

what she had to do.

Ellen?

Hi! You're

back already?

Yeah. Where were you?

Wichita.

I left you a note.

Yeah, well, i...

i just got here.Oh.

Where's your father?

Wichita.

What's he doin' there?

I left him with my brothers.

Really? Oh, mickey.

I want this to work.

Oh, i love you.

Honey, i'm sorry.

I didn't mean anything.

Oh... oh, no, no.

Me too. Me too.

I was just crying about mickey and ellen.

It's so sweet the way she came back.

Why does every woman

you're with end up crying?

She's not...

honey, this is jack garrett.

You know, the referee.Very nice to meet ya.

- I've heard a lot about you.

- Uh-Oh.

I was the "as told to"

on jack's book.

And this... is mrs. Jack.

Lois. Hi, it's

very nice to meet you.

Congratulations.

Let's eat.

Craig, lucy.Hi. Nice to meet you.

Lois, hi.Good to meet ya.

- Craig.

- Oh, yeah, you sell those scooby-Doos.

Subarus.

A**hole. Excuse me.

Jack, you're in the lane

too long. Sit down.Whoops.

Where's mickey?He's doin' the knick game.

He should be here

any minute.With ellen, right?

- Ellen?

- Yeah, why?

Are they still together?

When i talk to 'im, i don't ask anymore.

Lucy just told me

the whole story.

The whole thing?About the baby?

Shut up.

- Baby?

- Hey, the plot thickens.

Do they make

a decent martini?

Dry and explosive.

- What baby?

- Dry, straight up, olive...

Me too. Double.Me too.

Me too.What baby?

- Where'd you leave off?

- When she left her father in wichita.

Oh!Ancient history.

Does she know

about him sellin' cars?

That test drive.

Hey! Listen to me!

Someone doesn't tell me about this baby,

asses will be kicked!

I like her.

All right,

See, after she dumped the old man,

they were better for a while.

Oh. Oh, mickey.

It's so beautiful.

There's something so great about

knowing we're making a baby.

It's gonna be wonderful.Yeah.

Here's why you

can't have children.

She had somethin' wrong

with her plumbing.

Not like mrs. Jack.

She folds my underwear, she gets pregnant.

Ellen's fallopian tubes

were damaged.

That's what she gets for living

in france all those years.

What does that

got to do with it?

She was probably all

clogged up with cheese.Lovely, jack.

I'm telling

the rest of this. Good!

She was devastated.

They started going to this fertility clinic.

She told me all about it.

Lois, you should see the waiting room.

All the childless couples.

You could cut the hopelessness

with a chain saw.

Mickey told jack

it wasn't hopeless.

We are trying this in vitro

process for $8,000 each attempt.

Ouch.Ouch is right.

Mickey has to give me

these injections every morning.

Only he gets

a little queasy.

Why don't i just hold this

and you'll jump in my lap?Mickey, come on.

Craig volunteered to do this because he's

used to doing it from being a diabetic.

But i don't want him

looking at your ass.Just do it.

Okay, okay.

We're a team.

We're a team.

We're a team.Do it!

Ow!

I didn't know that.What? How much

an olive weighs?

No. That you wanted to

give ellen her injections.

What do you mean, "wanted"?

I-I just volunteered.

That's so sweet.What are you saying?

You saying i was trying to cop

a peek at ellen's caboose?

I was trying to help some friends.

May i finish this?

If you feel

you have to, sure.

What we'll do, ellen,

is take your eggs...

So the fertility experts

tell ellen and mickey it's time.

They take some eggs from ellen,

put them in a little dish,

Then it's time for mickey to...

how shall i say...

Spew his manhood

into a little plastic cup.

You're a real poet. Thank you.

After you.

Okay, can you

operate a v.C.R.?

Why? Did you want me

to tape something for you?

We have x-Rated tapes in case you

need some help becoming aroused.

Help?

Help? I lettered

in this in high school.

I used to carry a picture of

my right hand in my wallet.

We also have magazines.

Will you be all right?Sure, sure.

I do wish i was back in my parents'

bathroom in brooklyn though.

A lot of happy memories

there.I'll bet.

Yeah.

Use the cup.

Just come out when you're done.

Just one cup?

"Kim is an aries,

"Who enjoys snowboarding and reading

the scriptures on a rainy night.

Juice."

Excuse me.

All done?

Can i see you

for a second, please?

Hi.Is something wrong?

Yes. Do you have any sophia loren movies?

Early sixties? No.

She does a striptease

for marcello mastroianni.No.

Uh, barbarella?No!

There's a dick van dyke episode where

laura petrie is in capri pants.

She's doing, "oh, rob..."mr. Gordon, we are not

a video store.

We don't have a selection.I can't do this.

Your wife's egg is good

for only four more hours.

Then we might as well

scrape it into the trash.

That's right.

Pile on the pressure. Thank you.

Can't i do this

at home?No!

Why not?The sperm has to be

inserted into the egg...

Within one hour

of ejaculation.

Perfect, because i ejaculate

half an hour from here!

I-I mean, i live

half an hour from here.

Please, let me go home

where i usually do this.

Come on.

I wanna go home.

Mickey, are you okay

in there?

There it is! Okay!Okay, good. There's

a paper bag on the sink.

Got it.Ah!

My keys! My keys!They're in the car

and the car's running.

Okay. Bye, hon.What'd you think about?

- Wish me luck!

- Piece of cake!

No! Don't say that!

No!

No. No, no, no!

"Piece of cake!

Piece of cake"?

She spooked it!

Hang on, boys!

Ha, ha!

Go, go, go!

What are you doing?

Yes. Yes!

Ha, ha, ha!

Someday i'll tell ya

all about this, kids!

Do you know why

i pulled you over?Yes, i did everything wrong.

Officer, please, i have to get

to the hospital in 20 minutes.

50,000 lives are at stake.What are you talking about?

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