Forget Paris Page #7

you got it.

toyota

Morning, pop.

Non-Dairy creamer.

Hmm.

You asked for it,

you got it.

What's going on with you?

I, um... i'm going

back to refereeing.

Oh.

I called the league and i told them

that i want to go back to work.

Ellen, i tried.

You saw that i tried.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't sit here with him all day.

When you said he was gonna live with us,

you gave no clue as to what shape he was in.

Shh. Honey, he's sick.

What do you want me to do?

You take care of him.

Take him to work with you.

He can wander around

the airport muttering.

There's thousands of people

who do that.

So if he wasn't here,

everything would be fine?

No.

Ellen, i like being a referee.

I love being a referee.

It's a big part of who i am

and i'm startin' to miss me.

And me is the guy

you married.

So when did you decide

to do this?

I've been thinking about it

for a couple of weeks.

In all that time,

did it occur to you to talk to me?

I mean, to see

what i thought?

No, because i already knew

what you thought.

But you're doing it anyway?

I have to do this!

It's important to us!

I want to love you

and not resent you.

You resent me?

Tsk!

Yeah, because when you

were unhappy, i cared.

Now, i'm unhappy

and you don't care.

I just found out you were unhappy.

I haven't had time not to care.

You didn't notice? Yesterday i ran out

of toothpaste and burst into tears.

Does that seem

normal to you?

Does it seem normal we never have sex

anymore? Has that caught your attention?

Come on, we're on

different schedules now.

When you come home, i'm asleep already.

When i come home...

We used to do it 19 times a day

in every room in the house.

Then we'd go to the kramers to see if they

were home so we could use their place.

Two times. Two times you wanted

to have sex and i didn't.

No, 50 times i wanted to have sex

and you didn't. Two times i asked.

Is that my fault?

Why didn't you ask the other times?

I don't want to always be the one

to ask when you show no interest.

What about when i ask

and you show no interest?

- When did that happen?

- Last week, in the morning.

Don't you remember? I started to do

that thing that you used to like.

You said, "no! Get off of me!

What is that?"

That was 6:
30 in the morning.

I was fast asleep.

That wasn't love.

You were slipping me into your schedule.

Fine, if that's the way

you see it.

Oh, mickey. Look,

i have a vacation coming up.

Why don't we just...

we could go to that place in santa barbara.

I'm leaving monday.

How many more years are you

planning to do this?

What? Referee?Yes.

I don't know.

Well, give me a clue.

One, ten, 15?

I don't know.

I gotta go.

He just left her?

Can you believe it?

He didn't leave her.

He went back to work.

But what he was saying was his job

was more important than his wife.

No, they were

both important.

A marriage can't work when one person

is happy and the other is miserable.

Marriage is both people

being equally miserable.

What?No. I was just kid...

What would happen if i lost my column and

had to go back on the road to cover a team?

Could that happen?Of course.

Papers fold, papers merge.

You get a new editor.

You never said anything

about this before.

Would it have made

any difference?Well, no, not really.

"Not really"?

Ooh, that's a real crowd pleaser.

Okay, well, sure. It would make

some difference. How could it not?

We're getting married sunday.

I'd like to know...

If i'm getting the first mrs.

Jack or the second mrs. Jack.

Any man who refers to his wives

as mrs. Jack is an idiot.

And any man who repeats it

is a bigger idiot.

I'll...

I better...nah, nah.

Sit down. Relax.

Lucy will fix it.

She's the bob villa of relationships.

You're hungry.

Have some bread.

Everything will look

better after bread.

Why did i start anything?

Why did i say that to her?

This is good.

Is there butter?

Take it easy. It's nothing.

It's just pre-Wedding jitters.

You think?The week i got married

i threw up every day.

Of course, it turned out

her mother was poisoning me.Will you stop?

Will you just stop?

Oh, i think i'm scared.Of what?

"Of what?"

That i parked too far from the curb.

What do you mean? I've been single for

40 years and i'm getting married sunday.

Oh, god!

Come on.

Take it easy.

You're all right.Why did i say that

to him?

I didn't mean that.

Maybe i'm just too scared

to get married.

Listen to me.

I lost 15 pounds for this wedding.

You're getting married.

You shouldn't listen to ellen and mickey

stories before you're gonna get married.

It's like watching a horror

movie before you go to bed.

But you think mickey was wrong

and ellen was right, don't you?

Of course!Yeah.

Also, ellen was wrong

and mickey was right.

See, their marriage

had one overriding problem.

One was a man

and one was a woman.

So what happened?

Did they break up?

It was kind of hard to tell.

Were they separated because he

just happened to be out of town?

Or were they separated because they were...

you know, separated?

Maybe i got married

too fast.

No, there's no such thing as too fast

or too slow. It's whenever it's right.

Though you did move

a little fast.

It's just that when my first marriage ended,

i felt so lost.

I wasn't looking for anyone,

but then he just came along.

Mickey?Yeah.

He was so different than

the other guys. He was cute.

He's adorable. Every time i see him,

i want to pick him up and give him a hug.

Yeah.

The other ones were

very polished, stylish.

Then this little referee

shows up.

He made me laugh. Put me on a pedestal.

He made me feel loved.

As only a

little referee can.

He was just what i needed

to get me through that.

Oh, god. What?

Do you think i married

mickey on the rebound?

What's so funny?Get it? Rebound.

He's a basketball referee.

Keep your seats,

kids.Ow!

You know the difference

between us, mickey?

You still enjoy your

mother bathing you?No, my friend.

You're a dope and i'm not.

I say that with the greatest affection.

I'm a dope?Craig?

Big dope.You and i are both

the same. We're rigid.

I'm not rigid.Craig?

You're an ironing board.That's not true.

Please! Come on, guys.

I change.

Tuna rye.Me.

Tuna wheat.Me.

Veal parmigiana sandwich.

Him!

See? I know what i am.

So, i don't get married.

You think a woman is gonna let me

spend $1,400 on old baseball cards?

Forget it!

But you married this woman, mickey.

Then you seem upset that your life isn't

exactly the same as it was before.

It isn't.

You're married.

And you're up.

When he travels,

not only am i lonely,

I don't even know

who i am by myself.

You don't?

No. You know, like

when you're with a guy...

Not just for a night but really with,

like a husband or a boyfriend,

And you keep reinventing yourself to be

the perfect woman for that relationship.

Yeah, right, right.

I don't know.

If i took time before or between,

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