Four Lions

Yeah?

No, sit properly

like youre gonna mean it,

like you mean it.

No, Waj, dont muck about.

Cos the batterys gonna go. Sit...

Whos mucking about, Barry?

Im not mucking about.

Well, you cant sit like that.

Whats wrong

with how hes sitting, Barry?

Come and have a look. Its wrong.

Theres nothing wrong with it.

- Not you!

- Show me.

No!

Right, what are you looking at?

Theres nothing there.

No, theres nothing there.

Go and sit down.

- You cant see yourself, you mug!

- I thought you were recording it.

Right, sit, sit.

- Faisal, go away.

- Im ready, Im ready.

- All right.

- Waj, just relax your face.

Focus on what youre going to say.

Get on with it.

- Go, before the battery goes.

- One, two...

Three... action!

Ey up,

you unbelieving kuffar bastards.

- Im gonna turn you baked beans...

- No, no, no.

- What?

- Whats with the gun?

- Proper replica, man.

- What for? Action Man?

Replica AK-47.

- Its too small, man.

- Not too small, brother.

- My hands.

- Waj...

Big hands.

He cant do it with that gun.

Shut up, Barry.

Try it without, our kid, and lets go.

Its too small, believe me.

Ill hold it near the camera.

Thatll bigger it.

- Thatll what?

- Thatll bigger it.

- Yeah.

- Go now.

Ey up, you unbelieving kuffar bastards.

No, no, no!

This is absolutely stupid.

These are the outtakes.

You know, the bloopers.

- He looks good.

- Today is a wake-up call.

Today is an opportunity

for you to look in the mirror

at western imperialist culture.

Superficial materialism

ends at the capitalist church

of McDonald's.

Flipping idiots.

It's as though you just had a Big Mac,

completely oblivious to the amount...

Complete flipping idiots.

You could've gone Chicken Cottage,

proper halal,

bargain bucket 6.99.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm taking about Chicken Cottage.

- Theres one where he doesnt say that.

- Your bits good, Dad.

Take the box off.

I cant show my face

cos it's an image.

And images aren't allowed.

You know what? Theyre all bloopers.

Take the box off.

What am I going to do

if he does that at the camp?

Is Uncle Faisal ready to go to Pakistan?

You can't do your jihadi video

with a box on your head.

No way.

Ran 23K on the weekend.

Had a light lunch:

Snack -a-Jacks and a medium apple.

cos obviously it was after lunch, so...

Same again Sunday.

Although in the afternoon

I only did 4K cos I d had a roast.

Would've gone further, you know,

but I started to run a bit lopsided.

Im not slagging my right leg off,

but my left leg is definitely stronger.

I think lefty just wants it more, you know.

Right legs bone idle.

Hell just wait there,

let lefty pick up the slack.

Before you know it,

youre running in curves.

Im going to have

to put my foot down, you know.

Really show him whos boss. Yeah.

Know what I mean?

You do know you can talk to your legs,

dont you?

- I need tomorrow off.

- What?

I need tomorrow off,

and the two weeks after that.

Jesus, I thought you were serious

about this job, Omar.

Ive got to go to a wedding in Pakistan.

Youve got to ask yourself

where youll be in five years time.

- Its an emergency.

- What, an emergency wedding?

Like a shotgun wedding?

Like a shotgun wedding, yeah.

Right.

Well, Ill have a look at the rota.

The Feds can track your phone

even if the batterys out.

- Really?

- Really. They can see you underground.

Can they see you if youre not there?

Wheres there?

I dont know.

They can see you everywhere, Waj.

Are they looking at us

through cameras?

- Space cameras, yes.

- But...

My dad says Im not supposed

to be on camera. Its haram.

With the greatest of respect, Faisal,

your dad eats newspaper.

- Not any more. He eats moths.

- Exactly, bro.

Look, the way to stop the Feds

tracking you is very simple.

You eat your SIM card.

Get your SIM cards out.

You remove the SIM card and...

Yes?

- Can I cook mine?

- No. You must eat it raw, like this.

Good boys.

Salaam, lads.

Walaykum asalaam.

- Right.

- Were eating our SIM cards.

Anti-surveillance.

You know they still work

inside you, Barry.

- Eh?

- They can still track them inside you.

Thats not going to be

very helpful in Pakistan.

- What?

- In Pakistan.

Answered the call, bro.

- What call?

- Training camp.

Were upgrading.

Were going.

Why did you get the call?

Why didnt I get the call?

You dont have an uncle in Pakistan

last time I checked.

You got an uncle in Folkstone.

Are there any training camps in Folkstone?

Why do we need a training camp, anyway?

Were primed.

We dont need some tramp up a mountain,

telling us to set a fuse.

We dont need some Paki Steptoe

telling us when to go.

Youre right, Barry.

We can go whenever we want.

Exactly. Whenever we want, bro.

Yeah, if you want to be some kind of

sad loner trenchcoat mafia twazzock.

What do you mean?

What I mean is, you can either be

a stupid nutter Muslim

who blows a bag full of nails

into his own guts at a toilet at TGI s,

or you can be a proper soldier

in the Mujahideen.

- Im already in the Mujahideen.

- No, youre not, bro.

No, not until you join the army

and hold the sword

and touch the sky -

proper chain of command,

right to the very top.

- All right, Im coming.

- Oh, you want Paki Steptoe now?

Listen, I am the most Al Qaeda one here.

Think of the group.

Think of what were trying to do.

Its best you stay here, bro.

Youre a liability

and youre a loose cannon.

Bollocks, Im a liability.

I am the invisible Jihadi.

They seek him here,

they seek him there.

But hes not there,

hes blowing up your slag sister.

- Invisible?

- Yeah.

Like the time you got on the local news

for baking a Twin Towers cake

and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?

That is part of the plan.

Hide in plain sight, you mug.

And I am coming!

You realise, if I dont come

with you to Pakistan, bro,

Islam is finished.

Listen, bro, we need you over here

to keep a lid on things.

So what if Im not here?

Cos Ive bought a ticket at the airport

to come with you anyways.

You want to come, Fess?

Yeah, its just... my dad s

seeing creatures thats not there.

- So hell keep it ticking over here, bro.

- Barry, listen.

- If you answer this question, you can come.

- All right.

Dont f*** with me, man!

Dont f*** with Azzam al Britani!

Barry, what are you doing?

Barry, this is crazy.

- Barry, what are you doing?

- Right, if Im not going, no one is.

Spit it out.

Its gone down his neck.

Right, frog him.

- Frog him in the back.

- Omar, we agreed, no frogging.

That was before you swallowed the key.

Every time Ive had to frog you.

- Listen, we...

- Come on. Come on.

We said no frogging!

What if you get caught?

Im not going down.

Just cos you cant take

a drill in the kneecap.

Theyll crack you like babies fingers.

Theyll pump you full of Viagra,

make you f*** a dog.

Good prattle, Barry.

Youll end up on YouTube,

blowing Lassie in a ditch.

Are they gonna make me f***

a dog out there, brother Omar?

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