Four Lions Page #2

My uncles connected out there.

Only time were going to see cops

is for weapons upgrade.

All right, Omar,

Im letting you go to Pakistan.

My unit stays here.

- But my units the main unit.

- Barry, shut up, mate.

Because I tell you, your little brain cell

might go off now and again,

but if your hands even go to move

and you try setting up

the Islamic state of Tinsley again,

going to university lectures,

opening your big mouth,

buying some more silver nitrate

from Amazon,

Im gonna rip your plugs out.

Not if youre not here, you won t.

Aargh!

No, Uncle.

Its my prayer bear.

He does my prayers.

In the name of Allah...

Which way are we going?

All right. OK.

What the fucks he done

to his rabbits, bro?

Theyre not rabbits, bro.

Theyre chickens.

Theyre f***ing rabbits.

Bro, if theyre rabbits,

where are their ears?

Thats what Im saying.

What?

Whats he saying?

Im asking, would he kill you?

Pack up.

If you make me trouble...

Alaykum salaam.

- Would you kill me, then?

- No, course not.

Come on.

I d kill you, bro.

Would you?

- Yeah.

- Right, good.

Cos I would kill you, bro.

Bro, seriously, I d kill you.

Course I would.

Aye, I would. I d kill you like that.

- Flipping heck, man. Would you?

- Yeah, course.

I sort of thought

I were joking a bit there, bro.

Were soldiers, bro.

Whatevers asked, you do it.

You do the right thing.

Right?

- Are you with me?

- Yeah.

Its life, isnt it? Its just life.

What is that? Its nothing.

Its like being stuck

in the queue at Alton Towers.

Do you want to be in the queues

or do you want to be on the rides?

You want to be on the rides, dont you?

You want to be on Nemesis, Oblivion.

Rubber Dinghy Rapids.

- Yeah. You with me?

- Yeah.

- Rubber Dinghy Rapids.

- Yeah, Rubber Dinghy Rapids.

Right?

- OK, I would kill you, brother Omar.

- Would you?

- Yeah, I would.

- What would you do?

- I d smash your head off with a thing.

- Yeah. Know what I d do?

I d grab one of these hooks, Waj.

I d dig it in your belly, rip your guts out.

Spill it all out on the floor,

like Mortal Combat.

I d f***ing... I d take this, right?

- Yeah?

- And I d f***ing run you over with a tractor.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. Soldiers.

Soldiers, brother. Mujahid.

Mujahid.

Good lad.

Come on. You want some?

Yeah, you do want some, rabbit.

You f***ed-up rabbit with no ears.

- Ill f***ing... Ill have you.

- Theyre chickens, man.

- I d roast you.

- Waj, theyre chickens.

Im coming. Coming.

Im coming.

Come on, Waj.

F*** off, bro. East is that way.

That way is East, bro.

That way is East.

- Weve flown over Mecca now.

- Pakis gone mental, bro.

Mecca is in the East, yeah.

Where the sun... where it rises,

you behn choad paki prong!

Turn around. Ill explain to you later.

F***! Waj, come on. Come on!

Go, go, go. Come on.

- Come on, Waj.

- OK, OK.

Hey, brother Emir, Ill take it out.

Too high, too high.

Yeah, thats what I was thinking actually.

What is that, 2,000 feet?

- What?

- Nothing.

Ive never stood up in public and

professed any in-depth knowledge of Islam,

but what I do know is that most British

Muslims dont want to be out abroad,

fighting British foreign policy.

What they want to do is get on

peacefully with their daily lives.

- And we support that.

- Yeah, yeah.

A good Muslim

always keeps his mouth shut.

Yeah? Yeah? Are you all surprised

kids are going off to training camps?

- That is not what I am saying.

- Why are kids going to training camps?

First off, I object

to the term 'training camps '.

- You just used it.

- No, I did not.

Its a western fantasy.

You people think of Muslims

running around the mountains

with guns and bombs.

That d suit you

down to the ground, wouldnt it?

- But they do exist, dont they?

- Im not saying they dont exist.

What Im saying, if youll listen,

is that if they didnt exist,

you people would have to invent them.

- Thats absolute rubbish.

- Yeah, man.

- This whole debate is twisted, man.

- Well take questions later, please.

You think were all bombers, dont you?

- That is absolutely...

- No, no, no.

When you look at someone like me,

you think 'bomber ', right?

- Yeah, you do.

- That is not the case.

Why shouldnt I be a bomber

if you treat me like one?

- Mashallah, brother.

- Yeah, Mashallah.

Yeah.

I'm the Mujahideen

and I'm making a scene

Now you's gonna feel

what the boom-boom means

It's like Tupac said,

"When I die, I'm not dead"

We are the martyrs,

you 're just smashed tomatoes

Allahu Akbar!

Mashallah, brother.

Oh, what, man? Come on.

What? Just cos Im Muslim,

you thought it was real?

Oh, here they come!

Here come your stooges, Mr. Storge.

Police state! Police state!

Police state! Police state!

Remember my name, brothers and sisters.

Im going to Cuba!

Hes being rendered!

Hes being rendered!

Hey, bro, bro. Down here.

Need a lift?

Yeah, man. Wait. Yeah.

Oh, man!

Yo!

Youre a lege. Youre a lege, bro!

Not so bad yourself, brother.

Whats your name?

Hassan Malik. 'The Mal '.

- The Mal?

- Yeah.

Nice little stunt back there.

And you know what?

Youre a total piece of sh*t, mate.

Youre worse than the specially trained

rapists they use in Guantnamo.

- You what?

- Yeah, youre not ignorant like them!

You know you should be doing something.

- I am doing something.

- What, that?

I'm the Mujahideen and...

thingy, thingy, rap, rap

Eh?

It was jihad of the mind,

the gesture that messed yer.

Was the prophet, Sal Allaahu

Alayhi wa Sallam, about gestures?

Hm? Did he smash the pagan statues

or did he just stand there,

making a gesture?

Is this a gesture?

- That was for real, brother.

- Yeah...

Is you as for real as that?

- Yeah.

- How often do you go to mosque?

When I can. Most weeks. Friday prayers.

Once a year is too often.

The mosques have lost it, brother.

Theyre full of losers and spies.

These are real bad times, bro.

Islam is cracking up.

We got women talking back.

We got people playing stringed instruments.

Its the end of days.

Do you want to be for real?

Well, yeah, of course.

Are you sure?

Yeah, come here.

F*** you, Omar!

Big enough for you now, Barry?

Am I blowing a dog in a ditch

or am I Paki Rambo?

Im getting my pictures, Mujahid-style.

- James F*** Bond?

- No, no.

What the f*** are you doing, Waj?

Stay here and clean the guns.

No, no, listen. We need an Al Qaeda emir.

It was my fault, bro, OK?

Let Omar go.

You f***ing Mr. Beans.

- But we havent got an emir yet.

- Its good.

- Just getting my pictures, bro.

- Waj, go away right now.

Come on.

- Where is it?

- Down here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Liquid peroxide.

Three years of stockpiling.

- Where did you get it all?

- A wholesale shop down the road.

- All from the same shop?

- Yeah.

- You mug, youll get us nicked!

- No.

I use different voices every time I go in.

Different what? Different voices.

Show me.

- What?

- Show me the voices. Come on.

- One of them s... Its my voice.

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