Four Lions Page #3

- Right.

Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?

I know what that sounds like.

Give me another one.

IRA voice.

IRA voice?

Theyre terrorists, Faisal.

Why do you want to do a terrorist voice?

Youll get us nicked!

- Ill be disguised then, wont I?

- Yeah, but as a terrorist.

Lets hear the voice.

Can I have...

And then Ive got one like this as well.

Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?

Whats that?

Its a womans voice

because I got loads of liquid peroxide.

Probably thought that she d go and...

And what?

...dye her hair or something.

- And her beard?

- You got a beard.

- I covered it.

You covered your beard. How?

Right, so you went into a shop,

with your hands on your face like that

and asked for 12 bottles of bleach?

So, why has she got her hands

on her face, Fess?

Cos shes got a beard.

Im sorry, brother Omar.

Maybe it were Gods will.

Maybe it were Gods will

I would do my video so...

- So maybe its not my fault.

- No, it is your fault.

It were Gods will that you were acting

like a complete prat, apparently.

It was defo your fault.

So, if that were Gods will,

then am I Gods fault?

Maybe Im Gods mistake.

- Does that mean Im going to hell, brother?

- Sh, sh, sh.

- Do mistakes go to hell?

- Shh, Waj.

What?

- Thats a drone.

- Hide!

- Its flying low. Its going to attack.

- Lets go!

Where are we gonna go, Waj?

Weve got to take it out.

Take it out with what?

We aint got no bullets.

- This is my mistake, bro.

- No, no, no. Waj, listen.

Think about it. This is Gods plan.

Hes put us here to defend the camp.

This is our jihad.

- Think about it.

- This is my mistake, brother.

Thats the devil thats in your brain

giving it the wasa-wasa.

Dont listen to him.

Gods in your heart, bro.

Right? What does your heart say?

Trust me. Come on.

It says maybe we should...

Huh?

Maybe we should flipping pop it, brother,

get back on jihad.

Good, Waj.

Right, OK.

What are we going to use?

- F***ing yes, bro.

- Shh, shh. Right, come on.

- Proper Mujahid, yeah?

- Yeah.

- Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother?

- Mind out the way now.

- All right, OK.

- Come on.

- Flipping pop it, brother.

- OK.

Brother Omar!

The Arabs!

The emir!

Flipping sh*t.

Is this Gods will, bro?

Tell me it is, bro. Tell me its Gods will.

F***ing hell, bro.

Weve got to go, Waj.

Weve got to get out of here.

I cant hear nothing!

I cant hear nothing!

Morning, officer.

Youve been rumbled.

My plan is, right, to put a bomb on a crow

and fly it into one of them towers

full of Jews and slags.

I keep crows in here. Have a look.

Were way beyond crows now, Faisal.

We are really going to blow the lid off.

Yeah, Im all about blowing the lid off, man.

- Blow my lid off.

- Bomb the mosque!

What?

- The Masjid?

- Yeah, the masjid, the mosque.

But we go in dressed like kuffars.

They think its the unbelievers attacking

so all the Muslims rise up and fight back.

Stoke things up proper big time,

fast-track the final days - total war!

- That is sick, man.

- What does Omar say?

Who is this Omar?

Dont sweat that.

Hes one of my boys.

Ive sent him off to training camp

to bring him up to scratch.

But my dad goes to the masjid.

What if hes in masjid?

Has your dad ever bought

a Jaffa orange?

Once or twice.

Right, hes buying nukes for Israel, bro.

Hes a Jew.

- Barry!

- Where?

- Where is he?

- What are we going to say, again?

Waj, were going to say were being

sent for special training in Somalia.

- Somalia?

- Yeah, OK.

- You all right, Barry?

- Yeah. What happened?

Nothing happened.

Were being sent to...

Bollocks!

You f***ed up, you f***ing losers!

I told you, you should have taken me.

- Were going to Somibia, Barry.

- Somalia.

- Special training.

- 'Special training. '

- Bollocks! Something happened.

- Nothing happened, Barry.

Look at the state of you.

No luggage, back early.

Yeah, something happened.

- Yeah, something did happen.

- Yeah, you f***ed up.

No, we got an emir

and he told us that were on.

What?

Weve got an emir

and he says that were on.

- Are you on as well, bro?

- Yeah, for real.

- Good.

- Alhamdulillah.

What about the Arabs, bro?

What about the Arabs?

They werent Arabs,

they were bad tribesmen.

- What?

- Bad tribesmen.

- So it were good, what we did?

- Yeah.

What the f*** is Special Branch doing here?

Oh, no, no, no.

Thats Hassan. Hes in.

- Since when, Barry?

- Hes one of us.

- Is he f***?

- How was it? Was it amazing?

What, my dads funeral?

How could that be amazing?

Youre joking!

He was pecked to death by chickens.

Why would I joke about that?

Ignore him, bro. This is Omar,

this is Waj and this is Hassan Malik.

Yeah, man, Im the Mal.

Frog him.

No, dont sweat it, bro.

Hes been tested.

- Really?

- Yeah, he tested me, man.

How did he do that, then?

- He made me do that bean thing, man.

- What bean thing?

You know, when you put a bean

up the end of your knob, man.

Were on the parking. Lets go.

- Barry?

- Were on the parking.

- Whats he saying about a bean, Barry?

- You mean, I didnt have to?

Bro, hes landed you right in it.

Ive got no need for a beanfucker

or a TV Paki or a coconut spook.

Now, frog him!

Omar, hes loaded. His dads loaded.

- What, from Ml5 payroll?

- No, hes got a clothes factory.

- Great. Merry Christmas. Frog him.

- I can get you a van.

- I can nick a van.

- So you d steal from your own dad?

Well, yeah, yeah.

Right, well, youre still walking.

Listen, behn choad, next time I see you,

you d better have a f***ing van,

or Im gonna floss your balls

with razor wire.

You played that wrong, mate.

- Youre on one, Omar.

- Drive!

- Did you fix this, Barry?

- Yeah, I fixed it.

- Did you do it yourself or something?

- Yes, I did it myself.

So is he in or what, Omar?

What choice have I got, Barry?

Hes either in or Ive got to kill him.

Good. I knew you d like him.

Simba and Pumbaa were out on their own.

And Scar was looking for them and

if he found them, he d kill them, but...

- Dad?

- Yeah?

Did you blow up any kuffars?

What?

At the wedding?

Do you want to hear

what happened to Simba or not?

- Yeah!

- Right, so...

Simba and Pumbaa

were out on their own,

when all of a sudden they saw this...

...this big evil bird, this big bird,

that Scar had sent out to look for them.

This big, evil vulture, coming right at them.

'There it is, ' said Simba.

He spotted it,

this big evil vulture,

coming straight for them,

coming right at them.

Then what, Dad?

Well, Simba had to bring it down,

otherwise it d kill them.

So, what he did was,

he grabbed a stone

and he chucked it at the bird,

only he chucked it so hard,

it was such a strong powerful throw,

that his arm went all the way round.

Behind. He threw it so hard,

it went a mile behind him.

And it hit Mufasa.

Wise, strong Mufasa, Simbas dad.

It hit him accidentally on the head

and killed him.

But didnt Scar kill Mufasa?

Yeah, in the film.

This is real life, Im talking about.

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