Four Lions Page #4

So Simba had a choice.

He could either tell his friends

what had happened and create confusion,

or keep it a secret and lead all his friends

in a big fight against Scar.

What do you think he did?

He had to tell the truth.

But hes got to fight Scar, hasnt he?

Telling the truth means giving up.

Would Simba give up?

- Simba would never give up.

- Exactly.

Exactly. So...

Simba kept it all a secret.

And he led Pumbaa and Timon

and all his friends,

he led them all in a fight against Scar.

And he vanquished Scar,

and Simba became the new Lion King.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

Bedtime for you,

soldier.

All right, lads, this is it.

This is it, boys.

Ive spoken to the emir.

I have, and...

How did you do that?

Email drop box and the children s

instant messaging site, Party Puffin.

Ive been on that.

- Good, Waj.

- Proper good.

Do we have to be puffins as well?

Yeah, Ill give you all usernames

and passwords after this meeting.

Im not sure I want to be a puffin.

You dont have to be

if you dont want to, Barry.

- Bagsy a blue one, yeah?

- Good, Waj.

Now, Ive spoken to him.

My puffin has communicated with his puffin.

And hes told us to make some bombs.

So were going to take Faisals gear

to the secret flat.

We can hide it under the costumes

in Hassans van.

Well put the bleach on the boil.

We have instructions to bring havoc

to this bullshit, consumerist,

godless, Paki-bashing,

Gordon Ramsay 'Taste the Difference '

speciality cheddar,

torture-endorsing,

massacre-sponsoring,

'Look -at-me-dancing-pissed

with-my-nob-out ', Sky1 Uncovered,

'Who-gives-a-f***

about-dead-Afghanis? ' Disneyland.

- Mashallah!

- Mashallah, brother Omar.

- Mashallah.

- F*** mini Babybels.

Puffin says, 'Find a target. '

Well, we got a target, bro.

Were all agreed.

What is it?

- Its the mosque.

- What?

Bomb the mosque,

radicalise the moderates,

bring it all on.

OK, right. No, I like that.

I do like that, thats brilliant.

Lets take out a bunch of Muslims

because theyre the real enemy.

Once weve done that,

why dont we truck -bomb a kebab shop

and fly a jumbo jet

into Wajs mums head?

Why dont we get a pig

and staple -gun it to our foreheads?

But if we bomb the mosque,

it will make all the Muslims rise up.

My cousin, Faz, died,

defending a mosque in Bosnia.

Did he flipping rise up, bro?

Lets bomb Boots.

They sell condoms

that make you want to bang white girls.

- I second that. Boots.

- Right.

- They nabbed me nicking Lynx display.

- Think bigger than a chemist s.

Im not blowing my guts out over

a bunch of tampons and cotton buds.

What were going to do

has got to last in history,

echo through the ages.

- Like bomb a mosque.

- Barry, were not bombing a mosque.

You dont get it, do you, Omar?

We radicalise the moderates!

The ummah rises up, it all kicks off!

I do get it. Ill tell you what its like.

Its like youre in a fight with someone,

and theyre punching you

in the face, right?

And so what you go and do is,

you punch yourself in the face.

So what if hes not?

Im having a fight

with this fictionary man,

and hes not punching me hard enough

to make me go mental and win.

Lets do an experiment, Barry.

Well have a fight right now.

When you start losing

and youre not doing very well,

you punch yourself in the face,

go mental and start winning.

- Show them all how it works.

- Im not gonna punch myself.

Why not? Youre the Muslims.

Youre getting attacked.

Go f***ing mental, Barry.

Show 'em how it works.

- Come on.

- Im not a mosque!

This is not how it works!

Punch yourself, Baz.

Bomb the mosque, Barry!

Bomb it!

Bomb the mosque!

Bomb the mosque, Barry!

Hes bombed the mosque!

Hes just bombed the mosque!

Barry, where are the moderates?

The moderates should be coming now.

Right, if I was a mosque,

which I am not,

then there would be all moderates

behind my nose,

bursting to come out and rise up.

Would there?

Ooh, they are, bro, eh?

Barry, the Sufi Muslim Council s

coming out your nose.

Oh, youve just wiped them out.

Youve just wiped them out.

Do you think we should still

bomb the mosque, Barry?

- Come back.

- Barry, I got you a J-cloth for the...

- Oooh!

- Barry!

For fucks sake, Barry!

Oi! Oi!

Turn that off.

Theres common areas out there.

We got to play it, Barry.

This is our cover, man. Were a band.

- Were a what?

- Were a band.

Bollocks! Turn it off.

Bro, turn it off.

Whats with the chicken?

Its beard protection from the bleach.

Yeah, hes the drummer, man.

- Chicken drummer.

- Yeah, Barry.

You broke the chickens beak, didnt you?

Remember?

Yeah, Barry, you broke his beak.

Yeah, well, Im sorry,

but beaks get broken in war, dont they?

- Do they?

- Yeah, they do.

Were not about protecting beaks,

were about blowing them off.

Yeah?

Well, go and unload the van.

Im not doing all the work.

Waj! Waj!

Anti-surveillance.

Not you, mate, youre still here.

Get in there.

- What are you doing?

- Just in case theyre taking pictures.

- What?

- Barry says you come out blurry.

Right, stop it!

Stop it!

CCTVs a video.

Youre just gonna look

like a bunch of Sufis on speed.

Next time Barry tells you

to do something, dont.

- You all right, Alice? Hows it going.

- All right, Wasim? Yeah.

- Are you good?

- Yeah.

- All right, Jason?

- All right.

Whos this one?

This is... Claude.

Claude, this is Alice.

Shes got the flat next door.

- Hello, Claude.

- Hi.

- Whats this?

- Claudes the new member of our band.

- Band?

- Hes the new member.

- I used to be in a band.

- Did you?

Yeah.

Until all the birds fell off the roof...

I dont know if you remember.

All right, then, Alice,

well see you later. Come on, lads.

Come through.

- Which one are you?

- Er, Claude.

- Claude?

- Yeah.

Are you French?

Yeah.

See you.

Right, Mister Newsman

in the newsroom, after three.

Three, two, one...

Yes, it was us.

We have struck you

where you least expected it.

We have bombed the mosque.

Only in the days of the final jihad...

What are you doing here?

Well, you told us to come round.

Weve just come through the back.

Anti-surveillance, like you said.

Right, well, Im doing my tape.

But were not bombing the mosque.

- What?

- Were not bombing the mosque.

Look, Im just doing this tape in case

the plans change to bomb the mosque.

If they did change, isnt the whole

point of it to blame it on the kuffar

and not take responsibility for it?

What do you know about it?

It was my idea in the first place, not yours!

Now, f*** off!

Im doing my tape. Go on.

All right, Barry?

- What, youre here as well?

- Yeah. Why? Whats going on?

He said he was going to bomb

the mosque.

- Did you say that, Barry?

- No.

- Yeah, you did.

- No, I didn't.

- What did you say, then?

- I said I was gonna bomb something else.

What did you say you were gonna bomb?

Hm?

F*** off!

F*** off out of my house!

Oh, Barry, you moron.

- Salaam, Ahmed.

- Alaykum salaam.

- Omar, its your brother. Come in.

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