Four Lions Page #5

- No, Im OK.

Just come in and sit down.

- Salaam Alaykum.

- Alaykum salaam.

Just come in and sit down.

Im not in the same room.

You can come in.

You are.

Im not.

The wall has been taken out, so you are.

Have you come to drop some fatwas,

cos weve just had the carpet cleaned?

Not in this house, bro.

- Freeze or Ill blow your guts out.

- All right, go easy.

OK. Right, come on!

Youve got 30 seconds!

- What are you teaching him, Omar?

- Its a water pistol. Have you lost it?

Have you got 150 quotes from scholars

saying we cant squirt a water pistol?

There is no justification

for what you are planning.

- What am I planning, bro?

- You tell me.

- Want to know what I am planning?

- Yeah.

Sure you can handle it, bro?

Yeah? You ready?

Its not a proper plan yet, yeah?

But Im thinking, inshallah,

Im going to go upstairs

and run a hot bath, right?

Then come back down

and make beans on toast. Im proper hungry.

- Very funny.

- What?

Is it, bro? Have you got opinions

to back that up?

I have got 18 opinions, all very good ones.

You know what? Its not Top Trumps.

Muslims are getting pasted and you go,

'Ive got 60,000 opinions

saying we cant fight back.

'We must measure our beard with a ruler

and lock our wives in cupboard! '

Thats not a joke, is it, bro?

It is not a cupboard, it is a small room.

Oh, come on. It was a flipping toilet

till you took the china out.

I dont argue with women.

No, you dont.

You lock em in a cupboard.

Omar, your wife is out of control.

I dont know how to control her.

Help me out.

Am I... Am I out of control? Ooh.

Do it again. He wont fight back.

- What am I like? Im out of control.

- Obey me, wife. Obey me.

Go and do it.

Fight back, brother!

Whats all the violence, brother?

- Are you fighting back?

- This is not fighting.

- By the law of Sharia, I am not fighting.

- Youre a proper Mujahid!

By the law...

- I am not fighting.

- Youre so violent, bro!

Hey, Omar.

- Youre terrible, you are.

- Im out of control.

Arent you, eh?

- Thats twice as much, bro.

- This ones gonna leave a mark.

Just drop it.

Ooh!

Sh*t, man!

- Come on, bro. Give me that.

- Jew.

Gay.

Fed.

Sodomite.

Gynaecologist.

Innocent bloke. Doesnt exist.

Leonard Cohen.

Here, you give me that.

You do some work.

This ones gonna be

like a grenade, man.

- Oh, bro.

- Here, watch this.

Watch this, bro!

Come on, lads. Why dont we just

pick up the phone and call the cops?

Right? Come on.

- Sorry, man.

- Sorry, bro.

We dont have to use that

on ourselves, do we, Barry?

- Course we do, bro.

- But its our choice, right?

- Fess? Fess?

- What?

It is your choice.

Right? It can only be your choice.

Right, yeah.

- Fess. Fess.

- What?

It is your choice, right,

but youve chosen

to blow yourself up, havent you?

Havent you?

Mashallah, brother Crow.

Mashallah.

Youre doing this, right,

to save brother Faisal.

And I know its come

as a bit of a shock to you,

but everything will be all right.

Yeah? OK.

You see that over there?

That...

Thats a sex shop. Right?

A US embassy,

or some other such slag utility.

Right, now wait there.

When I say, you fly to the target.

When I dial this,

you go to heaven, brother Crow.

Inshallah.

Yeah.

Whats that?

Whats that, Mrs. Thistle?

No, I dont want to resit

my media studies.

Stupid Mrs. Thistle,

I dont want to retake it.

You know why?

Cos Ive found a new purpose in life.

And here it is. Eat that sh*t!

Eat that. Eat that. You f***...

Come on, lads. Lets go.

Salaam alaykum.

- Alaykum salaam.

- You all right? Where are they?

Theyve all gone, man.

Theyre using the fireworks for cover.

Yeah, I know that. That was my idea.

Why didnt they wait for me?

- Barry said that you said, 'Go ahead. '

- Did he?

- Im just on night shift.

- Yeah, you are, bro.

If anybody comes knocking for Barry,

tell them you used to know him...

Can I come?

Dont drop it, you prick!

Brother Faisal, if you drop this,

were baked beans from here to Derby.

- Slowly, slowly.

- Oh!

- Its good.

- All right.

- Good, good.

- Lets get out of here.

- OK.

- Come on. Im gonna blow it.

- Ready?

- All right.

Is it gonna be loud?

Did you see that?

F***ing good, Barry. F***ing good.

That were proper good!

- Well done, Barry.

- Whats up?

Did you miss it, bro?

Did you miss it, bro?

I told you before, Barry, didnt I?

What were you lads playing at?

- Why didnt you call me, Waj? Eh?

- I didnt have no credit.

This breaks anti-surveillance protocol.

We shouldnt be back here till tomorrow.

The protocol is that you were supposed

to stay here and guard the flat, Barry,

cos theres a good chance

that you are being monitored.

Is that an Islamic argument, brother?

I only listen to Islamic arguments.

That was my microwave, Barry.

I had it ten years, that Matsui.

I shouldve been there.

Your microwave

has been well sacrificed.

Dont screw with my jihad.

Im telling you for the last time.

- Your jihad? You said 'my jihad '.

- Our jihad. Dont screw with it.

- Our jihad.

- What did he say, Fess?

- Did he say 'my jihad '?

- What difference does it make?

- You said 'my jihad '.

- So what? This is such a small thing.

Hey!

Come and have a look at this.

# Dancing in the moonlight

# Everybodys feeling warm and bright...

Hass!

Claude!

Sh*t!

Right, its time to go now, Alice.

Why? Whats going on?

Nothing. We just need you to go.

Oh.

Oh, I get it.

I know whats going on here.

I know what you lot are.

You lot...

are a bunch of Paki-bashers.

- What?

- Mountie boys. Gays.

- Yes, we are so gay.

- Im not.

Yes, you are. We all are.

But mainly its these two.

Isnt it, Norman?

- Yes.

- Yeah, you love it, dont you?

Weve got to get down

to some gay business now, all of us.

You lot arent my friends any more.

Safe, is he?

She didnt see anything, man.

I swear to God, she didnt see the...

The bolts and the...

Ill sort this out.

Ill sort it out, man.

Just give me a minute.

Ill go down and sort this sh*t out.

You are going to sort it out

cos youre going to kill her.

Kill her?

Were gonna kill her?

Not us, Waj. Hass.

You want me to kill her?

You can f*** her, but you cant kill her?

Whats wrong with you?

Give him your pocket knife, Barry.

There we go. There. Knife and fork.

Make a f***ing meal of it.

Im not joking, bro.

Do I look like Im joking?

No. Now go on your way.

How do I do it?

Cut her head off

and bring it back in a bucket.

Chop her head off?

Were not really gonna kill her, are we?

You f***ing idiot!

Why dont we just call up the pigs

and dob ourselves in.

That d be clever.

A body on our hands to trail back to us.

Shut up!

What are we gonna do with all this?

Shes seen it now.

Weve got to move it now.

- Were gonna put it in Barrys allotment.

- Well put it...

Shut up, Barry. Solved.

Problem solved.

Daddys come home

and wiped everyones arse, hasnt he?

Thats what jihads about.

Its me wiping your arses.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes