Four Lions Page #6

Oh, sorry. One minute. Hello, Gaza?

Yeah, Omar would love to come

and help but he can t, hes really busy

wiping up the fountains of sh*t

spraying out the arses of these...

OK, thank you.

Who were on the phone?

Slow down, please.

Get us there in one piece, Barry.

Go easy.

Go easy!

Oh! Oh!

Dont rattle the stuff, Barry.

Slow down, man.

Use your eyes, boys.

Weve got a predator.

What, the milk float?

- Thats a milk float!

- The Feds work undercover, you mug!

No, no.

No, no!

No, dont do this to me!

Come on!

F*** it. F*** it. F***!

F***, f***, f*** it!

- Did you fix this, then, Barry?

- Yes, I fixed it!

- Did you?

- Its the parts. Theyre Jewish.

What parts in a car are Jewish?

- Spark plugs?

- Spark plugs.

Jews invented spark plugs

to control global traffic.

Right, everybody calm down.

Were gonna grab the gear and walk.

All right, but check the roofs, boys.

There could still be an ambush.

Careful, careful with that. Watch out.

Easy does it. Just act natural. OK?

One jolt

and this stuff could go, right?

You got to run smooth, right?

You got to run fast,

but you got to run smooth, right?

Like this, right?

This is fast but slow,

smooth but fast.

Barry, were fine! Lads, were fine!

Theres no need for any of this.

Were fine, are we?

Were f***ing surrounded. Look.

- Everybody get off the road.

- Omar!

Anybody talks, Im gonna make them

jump up and down till they go bang.

Just keep your mouths shut

and let me deal with this, all right?

Hey, man. Hows it going?

Nice little one-pack

you got going on there, bro.

Youre a pint of sauce, Omar.

Have you managed to run a mile yet

without stopping for a milkshake?

- Make that 12 miles. All right, lads?

- All right.

Whats with the bags?

- Shopping.

- Marzipan.

- Toys.

- Chicken.

- Were about to go and play football.

- Yeah?

We should grab all this kit

and head down there to the pitch.

- Yeah.

- All right, bro.

Right. See you in a bit, man.

Hey, lads. Wait, look.

You forgot this.

- Hey! Hey!

- Aahh!

Whats that?

That bags full of really fragile...

boots.

- Are they all right?

- Yeah. Thats just thigh exercises.

- What?

- Quad squats. You know, squat jogs.

Its just... Its for the marathon.

I thought you d know.

- Yeah? Squat jogs?

- Yeah.

All right, man. See you in a bit.

Like that.

- Squat jogs, yeah?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Down?

- Bit lower.

- Safe-age, mate!

- All right, man.

- Take care, man.

- Yeah, yeah.

- All right, brothers?

- Oh, Alhamdulillah, bro.

- Yeah.

- We skilled it.

Wheres Faisal?

Hey, boys.

Boys, come and have a look at this.

Can you see him?

Hey, bro!

Run!

Hey, brother Faisal!

Over the wall, Faisal!

- Yeah, run faster, bro!

- Yeah, but not too fast!

Where is he?

- It was a martyrs death.

- Gone to paradise, innit, brother Omar?

- He disrupted the infrastructure.

- How did he do that?

He took out a sheep.

Magnificently took it right out.

Did he?

- Attacked the food supply.

- Some of its in there... with him.

- What?

- I couldnt separate it.

So what is he, lads?

Is he a martyr or is he a f***ing jalfrezi?

- Hes a martyr.

- Right, this is bullshit!

- He is not a martyr.

- Yes, he is. Hes part of the war.

What war?

The war on kuffar sheep?

- Hes the first hero of the final jihad.

- Hes not a hero, hes a d*ckhead.

And so are you, youre all d*ckheads.

Whoa, brother. That is out of order.

Ive made a decision, Barry.

The missions off.

Its finished, Im done with this.

You cant handle the war, brother.

Youre having a wobble.

Ive got nothing to have a wobble about.

My conscience is clear.

- Youre the one who killed Faisal!

- I didnt kill him!

Yes, you did, you brought TV Paki in

after you saw him

making an arse out of himself

at a public meeting

you shouldnt even have been at.

And he blew our cover.

Ever since then,

youve had everybody so paranoid,

poor little Faisal s

panicked himself to death.

- So really Hassan killed him.

- No, you killed him.

No, you killed him.

You heard what he said.

- You killed him more.

- I thought it was a good thing he died.

Isnt he a martyr?

Its a good thing, right?

All right, I did kill him, then.

I martyred him. Hes up there now,

keeping my seat warm.

- Come on, our kid, lets go.

- I think I martyred him a bit, too.

What?

- We got to keep on.

- You got a plan, Waj?

- Blow something up.

- What are we going to blow up, Waj?

Internet.

Well blow up the internet

for brother Faisal.

Were mujahid, brother, yeah?

Rubber Dinghy Rapids, yeah?

Youre not a mujahid.

Youre a f***ing idiot.

Do you think a real mujahid gives a f***

about Rubber Dinghy Rapids

and gets his deen from

The Cat That Went To Mecca,

a book he cant finish

cos its far too f***ing advanced for him?

I tell you what, Ive got a plan for you.

Why dont you go with...

...and lose yourself in the forest?

Omar!

Salaam, Omar.

Salaam alaykum, bro.

You and your boys look like...

something rubbish.

You all right, Omar?

Yeah, yeah. I am, as it goes.

- Listen, can I ask you something?

- Why not, brother?

Screw it, doesnt matter.

Youve already started doing the face.

Why not come to our study group, Omar?

What, and get a four-hour dose of that face?

The floaty face of the wise bird,

hovering on a million quotes,

about to do a massive wisdom sh*t

on my head.

Forget it.

Omar, what are you doing?

Its the middle of the night.

What is that?

- Its a puffin party.

- A what?

- Its a puffin party.

- A puffin party?

- Im talking to Wajs puffin.

- Omar, what are you talking about?

Its the boys. Ive left them.

Now Hassans puffin wont talk to me,

Wajs puffins just told me to piss off,

Barrys puffins turned all red

and is hiding under the pirate hat.

Faisals dead.

Hes dead. They...

He was carrying explosives

and he tripped up over a sheep.

Theyre total idiots, Sof.

Well, it must have been Gods plan

for him to be blown up on a sheep.

Come on, Sof.

How can that be Gods plan?

Well, it cant be Gods plan

to leave the lads with Barry, can it?

Come here.

You were much more fun when

you were gonna blow yourself up, love.

I am gonna blow myself up, right?

Just not in a mosque

or in a chemists or on top of a duck.

Right, well, if theyre gonna blow

themselves up in the wrong place,

youve got to make sure

you all blow up in the right place.

Sof, I cant even get them to stir their tea

without smashing a window.

What does your heart say, hmm?

Gods in your heart, Dad.

Oi, you, come here.

Sorry, I heard talking.

Can we finish off

the story about Simbas jihad?

Yeah, we can do that tomorrow.

Come on, off to bed.

Does he become a martyr, eh, Dad?

Dont you worry,

cos even if he gets blown to bits,

hes gonna die smiling.

- Hell go straight to heaven.

- Yeah.

Hell be in heaven

before his head hits the ceiling.

An Asian mans head was found less

than 2 miles from the city centre today.

Steven Fap discovered

the Asian mans head

when it nearly fell onto his dog out of a tree.

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