Four Lions Page #7

A head fell out of the tree

and nearly hit my dog.

The man has not been identified,

but it seems that he may have died

while trying to cause an explosion.

- Yo, Matt... Is Matt here?

- Hes in the back.

- Terry, step outside, bro.

- Say that again.

I need you to go outside.

Get a doughnut.

- Ive got one.

- Get another one.

- Matt?

- Oh, thanks!

- Omar?

- Yeah, mate.

- Can you can help me with this?

- I got to ask you something first.

I booked a clown and they gave me this.

Its the wrong way up.

I cant run in a wrong-way-up clown!

They said, 'You ordered it. '

- Why would I order a wrong-way-up clown?

- Its fine.

- I can sort you out.

- I didnt even know what one was.

I can sort you out with another costume

so you can do the marathon.

I said, 'Youre gonna cause

a pile -up at the marathon with me

'flat to my arse in a costume

I cant even bloody believe exists. '

Ive got you a rabbit costume at home.

You can run the marathon in that.

- Can I run in a rabbit?

- Course you can.

Its amazing. Its a rabbit, right?

Panic over. Done?

- Yes, Im sorry.

- Ive got to ask you something.

Have you?

Have you seen the news?

- Yeah, the head.

- What do you know about that?

Well, theyre just saying its jihadi.

Theyve got him.

Filmed him blowing up a crow.

Its not jihadi, though, is it, Omar,

blowing up a crow?

Omar?

No, its a cultural thing. We bazooka-ed

an ostrich at that wedding I was at.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, I... Ive got to go, Matt.

Sh*t!

God help us.

- Thats the police, man.

- All right. Arm yourselves.

All right?

- Oi.

- Get out of my way, Barry.

Oi! F*** off out the back door!

Youre not part of this now.

Lads, this is an emergency.

They found Faisals head.

The head that you buried 5 feet

underneath your shed

fell out of a tree onto a dog.

Good. Dogs contradict Islam.

Dibble is onto us, lads.

- Dibble is on to us.

- I told you, it was a knee.

That was a head.

It was obviously a head.

It had a hinge!

Right. So, Ive just seen Matt.

Matt is running

the London marathon tomorrow.

Hes doing it in costume.

You know they run in costume?

Well, so can we.

We can disguise the gear in there

and its perfect.

Weve got live TV,

prime targets all along the road.

Weve got a target, Omar.

Its the mosque.

When you meet God,

do you want to tell him,

'I struck a blow for the brothers '?

- Or 'I blew a load of them up '?

- Blew a load of em up. Hell love that.

Come on, lads. Waj?

Im not on your side any more, brother Omar.

- You ripped me up, bro.

- Mashallah.

Waj, bro...

Im really sorry.

My head was in a mess cos of Faisal.

I shouldve stayed.

Why didnt you, then?

Cos I made a mistake.

But you didn't. You listened to your heart

and you did the right thing.

No, ignore him, Waj. Hes being nice.

You cannot win an argument

just by being nice.

Not just by being nice, Baz.

Im right as well, arent I?

You cannot win an argument

just by being right.

- No?

- No. No way.

- I think maybe you can, Barry?

- Who asked you, f*** -brain?

Barrys not a good emir, brother Omar.

He made me do bad stuff in the woods.

Like what?

He said, if I was a proper mujahid,

I d wiz in my own mouth.

You made him wee in his own gob?

What is wrong with you, bro?

Its submission.

Its the rules of submission.

It felt really bad, brother.

Its not too tricky

once you get the aim right,

but it just feels like really proper wrong.

All wee splashing off your teeth.

Bro, I swear, bro,

I may ask you to blow yourself up

but I will never ask you

to piss in your own mouth.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, bro. Promise.

- No more widdle in my gob.

- Promise, bro.

Rubber Dinghy Rapids.

Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother.

Rubber Dinghy Rapids.

See this, brother Hass?

Its gays at work.

Its not Muslims, its gays.

OK, brother Hass,

marathon or mosque?

- Either way, were gonna blow, right?

- Yeah, to pieces, brother.

Yeah, but... we die smiling, bro.

Yeah, wicked.

Wicked. Yeah, man.

Lets blow up a load of fit slags

at the marathon, yeah?

Oh, yes!

Yes, bro.

Wicked. Yes!

Come on, Barry. Were lions, bro.

- Four lions.

- Yes!

Good lad.

Down on the floor!

Ill be two minutes.

Whats it concerning?

We trying to ascertain the whereabouts

of your brother-in-law.

Why, whats up?

Tell us when you saw him last.

Well...

I cant remember

the last time I saw him.

Right, nurse, still on shift? Sorry.

So, Ive got the stats back

from cubicle seven.

They need some more blood supplies

for the knee.

The what?

Yes, the knee string.

The knee strings come off.

Hm.

Ive finished my shift now.

So Im going to take my team

up to the top floor.

- Right?

- OK.

So Ill see you up there.

Yeah?

- OK.

- Yeah?

You all right, lads.

You going to arrest me?

- No, no.

- Carry on.

OK.

Right, so your brother-in-law,

when was the last time you saw him?

Er, like I said, about two months ago.

#Dancing in the moonlight

#Everybody's feeling warm and bright

#Such a fine and natural sight

#Everybody's dancing in the moonlight...

Come on lads, were late.

- Is it all right?

- Its all right there now.

- Yeah.

- Right, were nearly done, our kid.

Yeah, nearly done.

- OK?

- Yeah.

Mujahid, brothers!

- Mujahid.

- Mujahid, brother Hassan.

Mujahid!

Defo right thing, yeah, bro?

What?

Blowing up kuffar and that?

- Totally legit, yeah?

- Yeah.

Good. Wicked.

I was just... just checking and that.

Waj, dont listen to your brain, bro.

OK? The shaitan,

he gets in there with his wasa-wasa.

What youve got to do, youve got to

listen to your heart. Remember?

- My heart. Yeah, brother Omar.

- So, what does your heart say?

It says, er...

'Its wrong, Waj, dont do it. '

And what does your brain say?

'Were here...

'... together, strapped up,

'and it would be, like,

well pathetic to cop out now. '

Right, um...

- So he should listen to his brain.

- No, hes got to listen to his heart, Barry.

Anyway, this is Wajs brain.

Since when do we listen to Wajs brain?

- Sorry, bro.

- No, I agree. Im thick as fudge.

His brain says do it,

so his brains got to be right!

That cant be his brain, right?

Thats his heart, Barry.

- Feels like my brain, brother.

- OK, this is whats happened.

Whats happened is,

the shaitan has confused you.

Hes swapped round

your brain and your heart.

So, dont listen

to what you think is your heart,

cos thats actually your brain -

in disguise as your heart.

Right? And what you thought

was your brain,

that s... thats your heart.

Thats actually your heart.

My brain is my heart.

You got it, our kid. So just...

Whats up there?

Heart.

OK? Yeah? Follow your heart.

Nice one, brother.

- Right?

- Nice one. Alhamdulillah.

- Hey, hey!

- What?

Oh, behn choad!

Were doing a fun run for a kids charity.

Stretches, stretches, stretches.

- Were running for charity.

- What kind of charity?

- For kids.

- What kind of kids?

Policemens kids.

You all right, officer?

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