Four Lions Page #8

- Late for the fun run, lads?

- Whats it to you?

Yeah, we are, actually. Do you know

how we can get to the red zone?

You cant run in that, can you?

He just drew the short straw.

Four short straws were there?

Red zone? Its back down there, left.

Second left again, then theres marshals.

Theyll tell you where to park.

Thank you.

Youre gonna die in that gear, lads.

- Thats more than likely.

- Proper likely.

Were all going to die, yeah.

Its all for a good cause, though.

Well, good luck.

Have a good day.

Everybody OK?

Everybody strapped up?

Got your detonator on?

Hass, you got your number?

Hass, have you got your number?

Hey!

- Where the f*** has he gone?

- Sh*t!

What the fucks he doing?

Help! Help!

- Im accidentally a suicide bomber!

- Stop!

- Ive got a bomb!

- Hes bottled it.

Its the costume.

The legs make the hands go up.

- Ive got a bomb but its a mistake!

- No, he said hes got a bomb.

- Youve got a bomb?

- Yeah, but Im not a bomber!

Dont worry.

- This is a f***ing bad prank, mate!

- No, no!

No, Im real, but not anymore.

Youre real but not anymore?

I dont understand.

Have you got a bomb?

Yes, but its not going to go off.

- How do I know that?

- Look.

Weve got to go, now.

We need to go, now.

Now!

Go! Come on, go!

Waj, try and find some targets.

Ill see you on the top floor, our kid.

Radisson-style penthouse suite!

Smooth running, Waj.

'Smooth running, Waj.

Smooth running. '

- You killed Hassan!

- He bottled.

You took away his choice.

You de-martyred him.

Did Waj have a choice

when you told him

his heart was his brain

and his gob was his ring piece?

You tomatoed your friend.

- Barry...

- Youve killed the special-needs donkey.

No, I haven t.

Let him blow!

Let the retard blow!

F***!

Oi, you, stop!

All right, bro?

Hey!

Stay there!

Im f***ing loaded! Yeah?

No messing now, yeah?

Thats it. Stay there.

Shut it. Shut the metal. Shut it.

Shut it!

Right, lads. See this, yeah?

Any of you do anything,

were all turning baked beans, all right?

No f***ing messing now. Yeah?

Target confirmations are

ostrich and grizzly bear.

Ostrich and grizzly bear are the targets.

The bear is down. Repeat,

the bear is down. I got the bear.

I think thats a wookie.

Thats a wookie.

No, its not, its a bear.

Is a wookie a bear, control?

The bear target has changed.

Target bear is now target Honey Monster.

Is a honey monster a bear?

A honey monster is not a bear.

A honey monster is a bear.

The honey monster is down.

He was a target. He was a bear.

The honey monster is down?

The honey monster is not down, control.

We have a wookie down.

- What's a wookie?

- A bear. Its a bear!

No, it is a wookie.

Youve just shot it as a bear.

- Is a wookie a bear?

- Its a bear. Repeat, its a bear.

The wookie is down.

The wookie is not the target.

Well, it must be the target.

I just shot it.

Ill just finish this,

then were all off to heaven, all right?

Martyrs suite, VIP lounge.

Are you going to kill us?

Well, I might have some seconds,

but I kind of am, yeah.

Why?

For jihad, man. Kuffar and that.

But we support jihad, bro.

I cant explain it, lads, but...

If brother Omar were here,

I swear he d tell you knowledge

proper good.

- Omar?

- Waj?

- Are you in paradise, bro?

- No, bro.

- Im in a cafe. Where are you?

- Im in a kebab shop.

Ive got hostages and everything,

like Xbox Counter-Strike.

- Right, listen, Waj. Youve got to...

- Thing is, they're all brothers.

I still get points for taking them with me,

though, yeah? Like Nectar card?

Omar?

- Let them all go. Just keep one of them.

- Eh?

Just grab one of them.

Let the rest of them go, Waj.

OK.

Right, you stay.

You three can go.

Go!

OK. Now listen, Waj.

What you were saying before

about this being wrong,

you were right, it is wrong.

- I dont... What do you mean?

- For you.

For you, Waj,

doing what youre doing is wrong.

Yeah, I know. It feels really wrong, bro.

But thats why its right, yeah?

No, youre confused, bro.

Im not confused, brother.

Yes, you are confused.

I confused you.

But when Im confused,

I got my confused face.

Wait.

Bro, I just took a picture of my face.

Its defo not my confused face.

- Waj, I dont need...

- I'll send it you.

Waj. Waj, wait.

Listen to me, Waj. Wait.

'Listen to me. ' Its too late

to stick your hand up his arse now.

Aargh!

Oh!

Ah, look at the Paki Bono.

You want to call him?

You want to call

the special-needs donkey?

Here you go.

You forgot the SIM card.

Mind out. Mind out the way.

Easy, chap. OK.

Its all right, I can Heimlich.

Thats it, dont fight me.

- Wait.

- Ive done this before, sonny.

Thats it. Dont fight it.

Thats it, thats it.

And catch the peanut!

Number withheld.

I dont do 'number withheld '.

Answer it, bro.

It could be important!

Hey, yeah. Maybe I won an iPhone.

- Waj?

- Have I won?

Waj, this is Ed.

Im with Special Branch. Im just outside.

- How did you get this number?

- Waj, can we talk?

- Have you got agents at Orange?

- I'm sorry?

Youve got proper double agents

working at Orange, havent you?

I knew I should have gone to O 2.

Ive got loads of friends on O 2.

Waj, what are your demands?

I dont have any.

Excuse me, mate. Have you got

a SIM card for this phone, please?

Not for that model, but we can sort one out

for you if you want to come with me.

Can you make this work.

I need it. Is it on?

Its only a display model.

Do you want that one?

Yeah, I want it. I need it.

Gordon? Can you get that phone

for me, please, mate?

Waj, why are you doing this?

Rubber Dinghy Rapids.

Sorry?

Rubber Dinghy Rapids, bro.

Fast track.

Straight on the rides, like Alton Towers.

- No queue.

- You like funfairs then, Waj?

Its not a funfair, bro,

its a theme park.

Funfair? How old are you?

Alton Towers got a spa, bro.

- Just now.

- All right, mate.

Im doing it for you.

Would you like 12 months?

- Contract?

- Any.

- Do the call plan.

- All right, mate.

Easy, bro, easy.

Im doing it for you.

- I think Im going to go now, bro.

- Wait, Waj. What about girls?

I bet you like the ladies.

Is this your first time, bro?

Are you a virgin at this?

Please, Waj,

can we talk about girls?

You fill that out. Fill it out.

- What sort of call plan would you like?

- What?

Weve got the Labrador?

The Dragon?

- Just any?

- How about the Hermit Crab?

- Huh?

- Its 1800 free texts.

Forget it.

Ive still got your card.

OK, we can talk about girls.

Right so what sort of girls

are you into, then, Waj?

I dont know.

Ones with big jubblies and that.

- Yeah? You like them big, Waj?

- Yeah.

And nice fit arses, too, man.

Youre an arse man, arent you, Waj?

I knew you were, bro.

You 're an arse man.

You 're a massive arse man.

- What are you saying?

- Im saying youre an arse man, Waj.

You giving me batty chirps, bro?

You calling me a whammer?

- No.

- F*** off!

F***ing Boy George!

Dont worry, brother Nabil.

Hold on to these.

When I press the clicker,

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