Four Rooms Page #15

lying out on the floor is love, then no wonder we find

ourselves as we are at this very f***ing moment.

SIGFRIED:

Oh, no. I heard you and there was genuine care in that

voice. Can't be denied. Can it, Ted?

TED:

I think you're right and, if you just keep this kind of open

dialogue going, you'll go a long way to resolving this misunderstanding.

Ted edges his way toward the door.

TED:

(continuing)

You'd be surprised what happens when people just listen to

each other without succumbing to all that pain and anger.

ANGELA:

You heard sh*t, monkey boy. Easy for you to say after you

f*** another man's wife. You should at least have the guts

to stand by your convictions.

Sigfried turns an icy eye on Ted, who has given up all hope of ever getting

out of the room.

TED:

That's a lie, Sigfried. I swear to God.

Angela continues her tirade.

ANGELA:

When I think of all the times you were inside me promising

me a better life, it makes me want to puke.

Sigfried slowly raises his gun, pointing it directly at Ted's chest.

TED:

Why are you doing this? What have I ever done to you people?

ANGELA:

What didn't you do, stick man? Unfortunately, you don't

have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock.

The words hit Sigfried like bullets to the chest . . . his legs weaken.

SIGFRIED:

(whimpering)

He's got a huge cock?

TED:

She's lying again, mister. It's not that big.

SIGFRIED:

Show it to me.

TED:

Come on, man, she's lying. Can't you see she's f***ing with you?

ANGELA:

Put it this way, God made up for what he did to Gumby

with Ted here.

SIGFRIED:

Show it to me.

ANGELA:

Show him your cock, Theodore.

Sigfried runs over to Angela and kneels in front of her.

SIGFRIED:

Stop talking about his cock, will you?!

ANGELA:

It's hard to stop talking about something so huge. I could

go on and on about his cock, bone, nob, bishop, wang,

thang, hotrod. Hump mobile, Oscar, dong, dagger, banana,

cucumber, salami. Sausage, kielbasa, schlong, dink, tool,

Big Ben, Mister Happy, prick, disk, pecker, peter, pee-pee,

wee-wee, weiner, pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn, middle-

leg, third-leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick.

Angela is on a roll. She fires the words at Sigfried, hitting him

pointblank. He staggers. He pleads with her to stop, covering his ears. Ted

watches the man crumble.

ANGELA:

(continuing)

Junior, the little head, little guy, Rumple Foreskin, Tootsie

Roll. Snake, one-eyed monster, one-eyed wonder, shaft,

sword, meat whistle, skin flute, love muscle, Roto-Rooter,

instrument, banger, rammer, ramrod, cherrypicker, log,

pole.

Sigfried tries jamming the sock back in her mouth to stop the flow; she

manages to give him a "f*** of a bite" in the process. Meanwhile, Ted

figures this to be his moment to make a move and bolts for the door, only

to be tackled by Sigfried at the one-yard line. After a struggle, the two

men rest on the floor, catching their breath in a relaxed embrace.

SIGFRIED:

Please, don't leave me. I'll call you Ted from now on.

TED:

It's not me, mister, I swear.

SIGFRIED:

Personally, I don't give a f***, Ted, it's just I don't want to

be alone right now. I'm feeling a little vulnerable.

Sigfried heaves the gun over his shoulder, grabs a half-empty bottle of

Jack Daniel's, and passes it to Ted, who takes a hit.

SIGFRIED:

(continuing)

No guns, okay? Just you and me, Ted. You know my father

used to say that forgiveness is the only thing that evil can't

sink its teeth into.

TED:

That's beautiful.

SIGFRIED:

Kind of nice down here on the floor, isn't it, Ted?

TED:

Yes, actually.

SIGFRIED:

Things take on a whole new perspective . . . . You'd like my

trust, wouldn't you, Ted?

TED:

Yes I would.

SIGFRIED:

I just got one thing to ask you and I'll let you go.

TED:

Okay. Okay.

SIGFRIED:

Tell me straight now.

TED:

What?

SIGFRIED:

What was it like?

TED:

What was what like?

SIGFRIED:

You know, you and her.

TED:

Oh, for f*** sake, Sigfried, what do you want me to say?

SIGFRIED:

Either way you're f***ed, right? You ever gonna see her

again, Theodore?

TED:

If I ever saw her again, I'd run the other way.

SIGFRIED:

Promise?

TED:

I promise.

Sigfried releases Ted and stands up.

SIGFRIED:

You're lying, but I can respect that, Ted. If you told me, it

would no longer be a secret, and secrets have a power, kid.

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