Four Rooms Page #28

My interests, on the other hand, have not. I am as emotionally

attached to my car as Norman is physically to his finger. I'm

putting up a very expensive piece of machinery on this wager.

Now, if I lose, I lose, I have no problem with that. I'm a big

boy, I knew what I was doing. However, if I win, I wanna win.

If Norman lights his lighter ten times in a row, he's gonna have

no emotional problems about taking my car keys whatsoever.

But if I win, it's not inconceivable that Leo or myself, at the last

minute, might not be able to wield the ax. Which brings us full

circle to you, Ted. Sober Ted. Clear-eyed Ted. We want you

to be the diceman.

Pause as they all look at him. Angela breaks it.

ANGELA:

Helluva night, huh, Ted?

TED:

I gotta get out of here.

Ted abruptly gets up and makes a beeline for the door.

Chester whips out a hundred-dollar bill and quickly calls to Ted from his

position at the bar.

CHESTER:

Ted, I got a hundred-dollar bill here with your name on it,

whether you do what we ask or not, just to sit back down in

the chair for one minute more.

Ted spins in his direction.

TED:

I'm not gonna cut off his finger!

CHESTER:

Maybe you will and maybe you won't, but that has nothing

to do with this hundred-dollar bill in my hand. You can tell

us all to go f*** off and walk right out that door. But if you

sit back down and wait sixty seconds before you do it, you'll

be a hundred dollars richer.

Ted just stands across the room, thinking.

ANGELA:

Ted. Take the money.

LEO:

Ted, you're gonna do whatever you want to do. We're just

askin' you to indulge us for another minute more. And

Chester's willin' to pay for it.

Ted thinks.

TED:

I'll take your money, and I'll sit back down. But a minute

from now, I'm gonna walk out the door, and when I do,

there'll be no hard feelings?

CHESTER:

Well, I want you to have a bit more of an open mind than

that, but, yeah, we'll either convince you or we won't. No

hard feelings. Right, guys?

Everybody agrees.

Ted wearily sits back down.

Chester positions himself in front of Ted at the bar.

CHESTER:

Okay, Leo, you be the timekeeper. Let us know when one

minute begins and when it ends.

LEO:

You got it.

(he checks his watch)

Gentlemen, start your engines.

Chester jumps up and down, loosening up.

LEO:

Begin!

Chester, who talks fast anyway, starts his pitch. It's Chester who now

plays "Beat the Clock."

CHESTER:

Okay, pay attention here, Ted, I ain't got much time. Now

I'm gonna make two piles here on the bar.

(he takes the hundred-dollar bill and lays it out on the bar)

One pile,

(pointing at the hundred-dollar bill)

which is yours. And another pile,

(Chester whips out a money roll fat enough to choke a horse to death)

which could be yours.

(he lays a matching hundred-dollar bill on the bar, starting a second pile)

Now, what you have to be aware of is we're gonna do this bet, one way,

(he lays another hundred on the end pile)

or the other.

(he lays another hundred on the pile)

Whether it's you who holds the ax,

(he lays another hundred on the pile)

or the desk clerk downstairs,

(he lays another hundred on the pile)

or some bum we yank off the street.

(he lays another hundred on the pile) . . .

NORMAN:

You can buy a lot of soup with that pile.

CHESTER:

(to Norman)

Shhhh, I'm the closer.

(to the group)

How much is on the bar already? I lost count.

ANGELA:

Six hundred.

CHESTER:

Six hundred. Ted, do you know how long it takes the

average American to count to six hundred?

TED:

No.

CHESTER:

(laying another bill on the pile)

One minute less than it takes to count to seven hundred.

You know, Ted, a person's life is made up of a zillion little

experiences.

(he lays another bill on the pile)

Some, which have no meaning, are insignificant and you

forget them. And some that stick with you for the rest of

your natural life--

(he lays another bill on the pile)

--barring Alzheimer's of course. Now, what we're proposing

is so unusual, so outside the norm, that I think it would be a pretty

good guess that this will be one of those experiences that sticks.

So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this moment for the rest

of your life, you gotta decide what that memory will be.

(he lays down the last bill on the pile)

So, are you gonna remember for the next forty years, give or take

a decade, how you refused a thousand dollars for one second's

worth of work, or how you made a thousand dollars for one

second's worth of work?

LEO:

Time!

CHESTER:

Well, Ted, what's it gonna be?

Ted looks at the pile, then looks up. We dolly into his face.

FLASHBACK:

We see a quick MONTAGE of horrendous moments from all the other stories.

INT. PENTHOUSE--NIGHT

Back to Ted.

TED:

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