Four Rooms Page #27

I second the nomination!

CHESTER:

(yelling)

Move the nomination be closed!

Chester takes the hatchet and brings it down on the bar like a hatchet.

CHESTER:

(calmly)

Leo, the floor is yours.

LEO:

Thank you.

(to Ted)

Ted, did you ever watch the old "Alfred Hitchcok Show"?

TED:

(totally bewildered at this point)

Yeah.

LEO:

Did you ever see the episode The Man from Rio, with Peter

Lorre and Steve McQueen?

TED:

I don't think so.

LEO:

Oh, you'd remember it all right. In the show, Peter Lorre

makes a bet that Steve McQueen can't light his cigarette

lighter ten times in a row. Now if Steve McQueen can light

his cigarette lighter ten times in a row, he wins Peter Lorre's

new car. If he can't he loses his little finger.

(pause)

Norman and Chester just made the same bet.

(pause)

Norman's putting up his pinky against Chester's mint

convertible, 1964 red convertible Chevy Corvelle that he can

light his Zippo ten times in a row.

Pause.

Ted looks at all of them, taking in the information, before saying:

TED:

You guys are drunk.

CHESTER:

Well, that goes without saying, but that doesn't mean we

don't know what we're doing.

NORMAN:

I'll tell ya what I'm doin'.

Norman lays an issue of Hot Classic Cars in front of Ted on the bar. On the

cover is a picture of Chester smiling, standing next to a beautiful 1964

red convertible Chevy Corvelle. The headline reads: "Hollywood's Hottest

New Star Next to America's Hottest Old Car."

NORMAN:

I drive a motherfuckin' Honda my sister sold me. You hear

what I'm sayin'? A little white motherfuckin' Honda Civic.

(he holds up the magazine)

You see this sh*t?!

(reading the magazine)

"Hollywood's hottest new star, next to America's hottest old car."

(he hands Ted the magazine)

Now you take a good look at that machine that this

motherf***er over here is standing next to. That's a 1964

n*gger-red, rag-top Chevy Corvelle. And I love that car

more'n I love hips, lips, and fingertips. Cut to we sittin'

here celebrating, gettin' high, drinkin' champagne--

CHESTER:

--Cristal. When you're drinkin' anything else, you're

drinking champagne. When you're drinkin' Cristal, you say

you're drinkin' Cristal.

NORMAN:

--drinkin' Cristal. Watchin' TV. "Rockin' New Year's

Eve." When all of a sudden we flip on Steve McQueen and

Peter Lorre bein' f***in' badass. And I look at this funny

motherf***er over here, and I say, "I'd do that for the Chevelle."

LEO:

And Chester replies . . .

CHESTER:

". . . Oh, really?"

TED:

You guys wouldn't be doin' something this stupid unless

you were drunk.

Everybody breaks into a "here, here" murmur.

NORMAN:

I think that pretty much goes without sayin'. We'd probably

chicken out. But when you're f***ed-up, you don't lie. You

tell the f***in' truth. And the f***in' truth is, my lucky Zippo's

gonna win me Chester's car.

TED:

(to Chester)

Why are you doing this?

CHESTER:

Thrill of the bet. I'm the one with something to lose here.

'Cause I can pretty near guarantee that I love my car more'n

Norman loves his pinky.

TED:

(to Leo)

How 'bout you guys, you're just gonna sit back and let your

friends mutilate each other?

LEO:

Why not? Life don't get much more exciting than this. I

mean if Norman was puttin' his dick on the choppin' block,

I'd step in, 'cause, ya know in the morning, we'd really

regret that. But his pinky? Who gives a f***? I mean

theoretically, he could lose that choppin' onions tomorrow.

Life still goes on.

TED:

(to Angela)

How 'bout you?

ANGELA:

(to Ted)

I don't care.

CHESTER:

Which brings us to your part in this little wager.

TED:

I don't have a part.

CHESTER:

Now, Ted, my old granddaddy used ta say: "The less a man

makes declarative statements, the less he's apt to look foolish

in retrospect." Now there're some inherent obstacles in this

undertaking. First of all, I'm not some sick f*** like Peter Lorre

on that show, travelin' the countryside collecting fingers. We're

all buddies, here. Nobody wants Norman to lose his finger. We

just wanna chop it off. So if fate doesn't smile on ol' Norman,

we'll put his finger on ice and rush 'im to a hospital, where in all

likelihood be able to sew it back on.

TED:

Hopefully.

LEO:

Eighty percent.

NORMAN:

Our side.

CHESTER:

So Norman's protected. His interests have been looked after.

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