Four Rooms Page #26

CHESTER:

One thing at a time, Ted. I'm not a frog and you're not a

bunny, so let's not jump ahead. C'mon, Norman, you should

be interested in this.

NORMAN:

Damn Skippy!

(pause)

Tell it.

Ted produces the things they called for.

TED:

A block of wood.

Chester knocks on it.

CHESTER:

Good.

TED:

Three nails.

NORMAN:

Why three nails?

CHESTER:

That's how many Peter Lorre asked for. Continue, Ted.

Ted is completely bewildered.

TED:

A roll of twine.

CHESTER:

That's definitely a roll of twine. Continue.

TED:

A bucket of ice.

CHESTER:

(to Norman)

You into it?

NORMAN:

(to Chester)

I'm into it.

CHESTER:

(to Ted)

Go on.

TED:

A donut.

Chester takes it and eats it.

CHESTER:

That's for me. Continue.

TED:

And a hatchet.

CHESTER:

A hatchet as sharp as the devil himself is what I asked for.

TED:

Well, you be the judge.

Ted holds the hatchet out for Chester to take. Norman snatches it instead.

NORMAN:

I'll be the judge.

Norman touches the end of the blade with his thumb.

CHESTER:

Whadya think?

NORMAN:

That's a sharp motherf***er. Bring all this bullshit over to

the bar.

CHESTER:

You heard him, Ted.

Ted is completely confused and starting to get a little scared, but he does

what he's told.

Leo slams down the phone.

LEO:

B*tch!

NORMAN:

You still married?

LEO:

Maybe, maybe not, but I don't give a flyin' f*** either way.

I've had it with that Machiavellian b*tch! I'm too drunk to

drive home. I'm sorry about that, I'm real sorry about that.

I got drunk on New Year's Eve, cut my f***in' head off . . .

(noticing Ted at the bar)

What's going on here?

CHESTER:

We now return you to The Man from Rio, already in progress.

LEO:

(surprised)

Noooo, you're gonna do it?

NORMAN:

Looks like.

LEO:

You guys ain't bullshittin', you're gonna really go for it?

Angela is still curled up.

ANGELA:

After talkin' about it all night, they better. I wanna see a show.

CHESTER:

When we do it, you'll have something to see.

Leo walks up to Norman and throws his arm around him.

LEO:

You are one radical dude.

Ted doesn't know what anybody's talking about, which is just fine with him.

He finishes laying out everything on the bar and says:

TED:

Well, that's everything, so if you don't need me for anything

else, I'll go back downstairs.

CHESTER:

Not so fast, Ted. We ain't quite done yet. Why don't you

take a seat at the bar, get comfortable, and have an open

mind when we explain the festivities of the evening to you.

TED:

Look, guys, you paid for the room. As long as you don't

break up the furniture, you can do whatever the f*** you

want. And me personally, I don't care if you break up the

furniture. You don't have to explain anything to me. Whatever

constitutes a good time as far as you guys are concerned is

your business.

CHESTER:

Well, it's your business, Ted. 'Cause we want you to take part.

TED:

Take part in what?

LEO:

Chester, your way of breaking the news to him gently

is scarin' the sh*t outta him.

ANGELA:

Look at the poor guy. Just spit it out.

Little by little everybody has gathered around Ted.

CHESTER:

First off, let me say that there's nothing homosexual about

what we're going to ask you to do. There's nothing sexual

at all about what we want. But I was thinkin' you might be

thinkin' we want you to do some sex thing. Pee on us, suck

us off, sh*t like that. Let me assure you nothing could be

farther from what we want--

Angela interrupts:

ANGELA:

Can I jump in here?

CHESTER:

No, you can't jump in here, this is my story.

ANGELA:

Theodore's been here fifteen minutes and you've talked

about everything but.

CHESTER:

Hey, if you don't like it, you can get the f*** out.

Leo taps his champagne glass with a tiny spoon, shutting everybody up.

LEO:

If it'll please the court, let me explain to Ted our intentions.

NORMAN:

(yelling)

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