Four Rooms Page #25

You should, it's one of Jerry's better movies. He never says

a word through the entire film. A completely silent performance.

How many actors can pull that off? And he has to go to France

to get respect. That says it all about America right there. The

minute Jerry Lewis dies, every paper in this f***in' country

gonna write articles calling the man a genius. It's not right.

It's not right and it's not fair. But why should that surprise

anybody? When has America ever been fair? We might be

right every once in a while, but we're very rarely fair.

TED:

Where do you want this?

CHESTER:

You in a hurry, Ted?

TED:

(he is, but doesn't want to rush the movie star)

No, not particularly.

CHESTER:

Good, then stop playing "Beat the Clock." Now let me

introduce you to everybody.

He puts his arm around Ted and leads him around the room.

Angela crosses frame, drink in hand.

CHESTER:

Our friend from downstairs you already seem to be

acquainted with.

As she snuggles up in a big comfy chair:

ANGELA:

Oh, me and Theodore go way back. Don't we, Theodore?

TED:

The name's Ted, Angela. I only let people with loaded guns

at my head call me Theodore.

CHESTER:

Angela's like you, Ted, a newfound friend.

ANGELA:

We met at the pool.

CHESTER:

(to Ted)

Have you ever seen Angela in a one-piece?

TED:

No.

CHESTER:

Well, it's somethin' to see.

CHESTER:

(arm around Ted)

The Man sitting in the chair, with the bottle of Jim Bean in

his hand and the sense of humor, is Norman. Norman, say

hello to Ted.

NORMAN:

What's up?

Norman shakes his hand.

CHESTER:

The sociable son of a b*tch on the telephone is Leo. And

the person on the other end of the phone is his lovely wife

Ellen.

(to Leo)

Leo, say hello to Ted.

Leo breaks away from his phone conversation for two seconds.

LEO:

Hi, Ted, glad you could make it.

(back to phone)

What?

(pause)

What does punctuality have to do with love?

CHESTER:

Which brings me to me, Chester Rush, Ted. Pleased to meetcha.

Chester shakes Ted's hand.

TED:

I know. I'm sorry I haven't seen your movie.

Chester stops.

Ted wonders if he should have said that.

Chester walks over to the table and pours himself some more champagne. When

he talks now it's slower and somewhat distracted. The tone of the scene

starts changing.

CHESTER:

It's quite all right, Ted, nothing to feel sorry about. That's

why God invented video. But you know, Ted, a lot of people

did see it.

Chester takes a drink of champagne, a disgusted look crosses his face, and

he slowly puts it down.

His manner gives the room a chill.

When he talks, he addresses the room.

CHESTER:

Who drank out of this bottle last?

No answer.

Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass.

CHESTER:

Who drank out of this bottle--not the other bottles--this

bottle last?

NORMAN:

What's wrong, Chester?

He spills the champagne from his glass onto the floor.

CHESTER:

It's f***in' flat, Norman, that's what's wrong. The

champagne--the f***in' Cristal's f***in' flat.

Chester improvises a temper tantrum about the flat Cristal. Everyone looks

at him, not knowing what to say. Even Leo walks over to witness. The whole

room is uneasy and a little frightened.

When Chester finishes his tantrum, he turns his attention back to Ted. As

he talks to him, he opens up another bottle. But it's not the rapid-pace

delivery Chester has done so far. It's more troubled and distracted.

CHESTER:

I was saying, Ted, a lot of people did see it. And not just on

video, either. Leo, what was the final take on domestic?

Leo is still in the doorway making sure his boy's cool.

LEO:

72.1 million.

(worried tone)

You okay, champ?

CHESTER:

(struggling with bottle)

I'm cool, so talk to your wife.

Leo turns his attention back to the phone and goes inside the room.

CHESTER:

(to Ted)

72.1 million dollars. That's before video and before foreign,

and before pay-TV and before free TV. We're talking

f***in' asses in f***in' seats.

(he pops the cork)

Before all that other sh*t, The Wacky Detective made 72.1

million dollars.

Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass.

CHESTER:

And my new one, The Dog Catcher, it's projected to break

a hundred.

(he clinks Ted's glass with his)

The Dog Catcher.

TED:

The Dog Catcher.

They both drink.

The tantrum's over, and Chester's back to his fast-talking, good-natured

self.

CHESTER:

Now let's stroll over here and see what goodies you brought us.

TED:

Do you mind me asking what's all this stuff for?

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