Four Weddings and a Funeral

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- Good morning, Mrs. Statons.

- Morning, madam.

Late! Late!

At last.

Sorry we're late.

Put it in the back.

Oh, f***! F***!

F***!

Oh, f***!

F***! Right, we take yours.

It only goes 40 miles an hour.

What turnoff?

Better not be the B359.

It's the B359.

F*** it!

F***!

F***.

Come on.

F***!

F***.

F***.

F***!

Fuckity f***.

Bugger.

You look fine.

Is it twisted?

Hello! You look lovely.

Hello, Charles!

There's a greatness to your lateness.

It's not achieved

without real suffering.

I am so, so sorry.

I'll kill myself after the service,

if that's any consolation.

Doesn't matter. Tom was standing by.

Thanks, Tom. You're a saint.

And a disastrous haircut.

You haven't forgotten the rings?

No.

Hate people being late.

Here we go.

Oh, isn't she lovely?

Scarlett, you're blind.

She looks like a big meringue.

Dear friends, what a joy it is to

welcome you to our church...

...on this wonderful day

for Angus and Laura.

Before we start the service,

let us all join together...

...in the first hymn.

And did those feet...

... in ancient time

Walk upon England's mountain green

And was the holy...

... Lamb of God

On England's pleasant...

... pastures seen

And did the countenance divine

Shine forth upon...

... our clouded hills

And was Jerusalem...

... builded here

Among those dark satanic mills

Scarlett.

Dearly beloved, we are

gathered here...

...in the sight of God and in

the face of this congregation...

...to join together this man

and this woman in holy matrimony.

Which is an honorable estate...

...instituted in the time

of man's innocence.

- Back in a sec.

- If any man can show...

...any just cause or impediment...

...why they may not be lawfully

joined together...

...let him speak now or forever

hold his peace.

Do you promise to love her...

...comfort her, honor and keep her

in sickness and in health...

...and forsaking all others...

...keep thee only unto her for as

long as ye both shall live?

I do.

To love and to cherish...

Till death us do part.

...till death us do part.

Thereto, I pledge thee my troth.

And thereto, I pledge thee my troth.

Do you have the ring?

With this ring, I thee wed.

With this ring, I thee wed.

With my body, I thee worship.

With my body, I thee worship.

And with all my worldly goods,

I do thee endow.

And with all my worldly goods,

I thee endow.

If I speak with the tongues of men

and of angels, but have not love...

...I am become a sounding brass

or a clanging cymbal.

Good point.

You know I can't smile without you

Can't smile without you

I can't laugh and I can't sing

I'm finding it hard to do anything

You see, I feel sad when you're sad

I feel sad

I feel glad when you're glad

If you only knew

What I'm going through

Great hat.

Thanks. I bought it specially.

There.

Get in position, please.

Thank you. Smile.

Splendid, I thought.

What did you think?

I thought, splendid.

What did you think?

Splendid, I thought.

Scarlotta, fabulous dress!

Ecclesiastical purple

and pagan orange...

...symbolize the magical

symbiosis in marriage...

...between heathen and

Christian traditions?

That's right.

Lovely. And again.

Any idea who the girl

in the black hat is?

Name's Carrie.

She's pretty.

American.

Interesting.

Slut.

Really?

Used to work at Vogue.

Lives in America now.

Only goes out with

very glamorous people.

Quite out of your league.

Well, that's a relief. Thanks.

See you there.

Off you go.

Right. Reception.

Bye! Bye!

Anyone else tread in a cowpat?

No, thought not. See you in a mo.

Do you think I'd hate him as much

if he wasn't my brother?

Don't want to blow chances for romance

by smelling of dung at the reception.

Oh, God. I never know what to

say in these wretched lineups.

It's a cinch. Give a big, warm

hug and say the bride looks pregnant.

Or stick with tradition,

"You must be very proud."

Heaven preserve us.

You must be very proud.

Thank you.

Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hi, we've met. It's Richard Maples.

- Oh, yes.

Bastard.

- Hello, Bern.

- Hello, Chuck.

Two, please.

- You have fun, now.

- Take care.

Oh, hello.

Hi.

- You want one of these?

- Oh, thank you.

- I...

- Hello, Charles.

Hello, dear John. How are you?

Good. This is...

Carrie.

- Delighted. I'm John.

- Hi, John.

How's your girlfriend?

She's no longer my girlfriend.

Don't be too gloomy. Rumor is she

never stopped bonking Toby de Lisle.

She's now my wife.

Excellent.

Excellent. Congratulations.

Excuse me.

Any kids or anything, John?

Do we hear the patter of tiny...

...feet?

No.

Well, there's plenty of time for

that, isn't there? No hurry.

Hi. How are you?

My name's Fiona.

I'm Gerald.

What do you do?

I'm training to be a priest.

Good lord!

Do you do weddings?

No. No, not yet.

I will, though, of course.

Jolly nerve-racking.

Yes, rather like the first time

one has sex.

Well, I suppose so.

Rather less messy, of course.

And far less call for condoms.

Who's that boy

over there in the gray?

His name's David.

Something of a dish, isn't he?

Well, I've always thought so.

Why are they?

- The dish can't hear.

- Oh!

Gosh.

Yeah, silent...

...but deadly attractive.

Bang, bang, bang. That's it.

Into the marquee, please.

Dinner is served.

How do you do?

Hello, Tom. Splendid to meet you.

Very exciting.

Hi.

My name's Scarlett.

Don't let me drink too much,

because I'll get really flirty.

How do you do? My name is Charles.

Don't be ridiculous.

Charles died 20 years ago.

Must be a different Charles.

You're saying I don't know

my own brother?

No, no.

Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to

drag you from your desserts.

There are one or two little things

I feel I should say as best man.

This is only the second time

I've ever been best man.

I hope I did the job okay

that time.

The couple in question are at least

still talking to me.

Unfortunately, they're not actually

talking to each other.

The divorce came through

a couple of months ago.

But I'm assured it had absolutely

nothing to do with me.

Apparently, Paula knew Pierce slept

with her sister...

...before I mentioned it

in the speech.

The fact that he slept with her

mother came as a surprise...

...but I think was incidental to

the nightmare of recrimination...

...and violence that became

their two-day marriage.

Anyway, enough of that. My job

today is to talk about Angus.

And there are no skeletons

in his cupboard...

...or so I thought.

I'll get to that in a minute.

I'd just like to say this:

I am as ever...

...in bewildered awe of anyone

who makes this kind of commitment...

...that Angus and Laura

have made today.

I know I couldn't do it...

...and I think it's wonderful

they can.

So back to Angus and those sheep.

So, ladies and gentlemen,

if you'd raise your glasses.

- The adorable couple.

- Yes!

The adorable couple!

The adorable couple!

Get one for me, Angus!

The first time I saw

Gareth on the dance floor...

...I feared lives would be lost.

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