Frasier
Season #1- TV-PG
- Year:
- 1993
- 22 min
- 1,449 Views
Act One.
THE JOB:
Scene One -KACL
The Frasier Crane Show. Dr. Frasier Crane, the host, is at his console,
admonishing a caller; Roz Doyle, his call-screener, is in her booth.
Frasier:
[firmly] Listen to yourself, Bob! You follow her to work,you eavesdrop on her calls, you open her mail. The minute
you started doing these things, the relationship was over!
[polite] Thank you for your call. [presses a button; to Roz]
Roz, I think we have time for one more?
Roz speaks in a soothing radio voice.
Roz:
Yes, Dr Crane. On line four, we have Russell from Kirkland.Frasier:
[presses a button] Hello, Russell. This is Dr Frasier Crane;I'm listening.
Russell:
[v.o.] Well, I've been feeling sort of, uh, you know,depressed lately. [Roz looks at the clock] My life's not
going anywhere and-and, er, it's not that bad. It's just
the same old apartment, same old job...
Roz taps on the glass of her booth and motions Frasier to wrap it up.
Frasier:
Er, Russell, we're just about at the end of our hour. Letme see if I can cut to the chase by using myself as an
example. Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife
had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to
me, which was excruciating. On top of that, my practice
had grown stagnant, and my social life consisted of...
hanging around a bar night after night. You see, I was
clinging to a life that wasn't working anymore, and I knew
I had to do something, anything. So, I ended the marriage
once and for all, packed up my things, and moved back here
to my hometown of Seattle. Go Seahawks! [laughs] I took
action, Russell. And you can, too. Move, change, do
something; if it's a mistake, do something else. Will you
do that, Russell? Will you? Russell...? [to Roz]
I think we lost him.
Roz:
No, we cut to the news thirty seconds ago.Frasier:
[annoyed; rips off his headphones] Oh, for crying out loud!I finally bare my soul to all of Seattle, and they're
listening to Chopper Dave's "Rush-Hour Round-Up!"
He gets up and enters Roz's booth. She is busy with administrative stuff.
Frasier:
Well, the rest of the show was pretty good. [Roz saysnothing] It was a, a good show, wasn't it?
Roz:
[tears him a piece of notepaper] Here, your brother called.Frasier:
Roz, in the trade we call that "avoidance." Don't changethe subject, tell me what you think.
Roz:
[points at her console] Did I ever tell you what thislittle button does?
Frasier:
I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. Howwas I today?
Roz:
[turns her chair to face him] Let's see... you dropped twocommercials, you left a total of twenty-eight seconds of
3 of12
dead air, you scrambled the station's call letters, you
spilled yogurt on the control board, and you kept referring
to Jerry -with the identity crisis -as "Jeff."
Frasier considers the criticism. He decides to handle it with
avoidance.
Frasier:
[takes the notepaper] You say my brother called...Roz:
Mmm-hmm.Frasier leaves.
FADE OUT:
THE BROTHER:
Scene Two -Cafe Nervosa
Frasier is at the bar, reading a menu. Niles Crane, his younger
brother, is standing next to him recounting a story.
Niles:
So I said to the gardener, "Yoshi, I do not want a Zen gardenin my backyard. If I want to rake gravel every ten minutes to
maintain my inner harmony, I'll move to Yokohama." Well, this
offends him, so he starts pulling up Maris's prized Camellias.
Well, I couldn't stand for that, so I marched right into the
morning room and locked the door until he cooled down.
Frasier has been nodding his head, but he has obviously not been
listening.
Niles:
Tell me you would have handled it differently, Frasier.Frasier:
[looks up] Oh, I'm sorry, Niles, I didn't realise you'dstopped talking.
Niles:
You haven't heard a word I said.Frasier:
Oh Niles, you're a psychiatrist -you know what it's liketo listen to people prattling on endlessly about their
mundane lives.
Niles:
Touché. And on that subject, I heard your show today.Frasier:
And?Niles:
You know what I think about pop psychiatry.Frasier:
Yes, I know what you think about everything. When was thelast time you had an unexpressed thought?
Niles:
I'm having one now.They share a chuckle. The waitress behind the bar comes over.
Niles takes his briefcase off the bar and goes to an empty table
nearby.
Waitress:
You guys ready?Frasier:
Two cafe latte supremos.He goes to the table, and watches Niles obsessively wipe his chair
dowm with a handkerchief. Niles offers the handkerchief to Frasier.
Frasier:
No, thank you.They sit down.
Niles:
So, Frasier. How are you doing on your own?Frasier:
I'm fine. I love my new life. I love the solitude.I miss Frederick like the dickens, of course. You know,
he's quite a boy. He's playing goalie on the peewee soccer
4 of12
team now. Ha, he's a chip off the old block!
Niles:
You hated sports.Frasier:
So does he! [laughs] The fresh air's good for him.Niles:
[laughs] Oh well, this has been fun, Frasier, but... wehave a problem, and that's why I thought we should talk.
Frasier:
Is it Dad?Niles:
Afraid so. One of his old buddies from the police forcecalled this morning. He went over to see him, and found
him on the bathroom floor.
Frasier:
Oh my God!Niles:
No, it's okay, he's fine.Frasier:
What, his hip again?Niles:
Frasier, I don't think he can live alone anymore.Frasier:
What can we do?Niles:
Well, I know this isn't going to be anyone's favouritesolution, [opens his briefcase] but I took the liberty of
checking out a few convalescent homes for him. [puts some
brochures on the table]
Frasier:
Oh Niles, a home? He's still a young man!Niles:
Well, you certainly can't take care of him -you're justgetting your new life together.
Frasier:
Absolutely. Besides, we were never simpatico.Niles:
Of course, I can't take care of him.Frasier:
Oh yes, yes, of course, of course... why?Niles:
Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.Frasier:
Who does?Niles:
I thought you liked my Maris!Frasier:
I do. I... I like her from a distance. You know, the wayyou like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without
the warmth.
Niles:
Well then, we're agreed about what to do with Dad. [reads abrochure] "Golden Acres: We Care So You Don't Have To."
Frasier:
It says that?Niles:
Well, it might as well!Frasier:
Alright, I'll make up the spare bedroom.Niles:
Oh, you're a good son, Frasier.Frasier:
Oh God, I am, aren't I?Downcast, he cradles his head in one hand. The waitress arrives with
their coffees.
Waitress:
Two cafe supremos. Anything to eat?Frasier:
[depressed] No. I seem to have lost my appetite.Niles:
[perky] I'll have a large piece of cheesecake!Frasier glares at Niles.
FADE TO:
THE FATHER:
Scene Three -Apartment
[N.B. The Apartment set was built on the same soundstage at Paramount
Studios that housed the set of "Cheers."]
Frasier is playing the piano. The doorbell rings; he stops playing,
shuts the keyboard lid, and disconsolately trudges to the door. Just
before opening it, he casts a melodramatic gaze over his apartment:
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