Frasier

Season #1

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Act One.

THE JOB:

Scene One -KACL

The Frasier Crane Show. Dr. Frasier Crane, the host, is at his console,

admonishing a caller; Roz Doyle, his call-screener, is in her booth.

Frasier:
[firmly] Listen to yourself, Bob! You follow her to work,

you eavesdrop on her calls, you open her mail. The minute

you started doing these things, the relationship was over!

[polite] Thank you for your call. [presses a button; to Roz]

Roz, I think we have time for one more?

Roz speaks in a soothing radio voice.

Roz:
Yes, Dr Crane. On line four, we have Russell from Kirkland.

Frasier:
[presses a button] Hello, Russell. This is Dr Frasier Crane;

I'm listening.

Russell:
[v.o.] Well, I've been feeling sort of, uh, you know,

depressed lately. [Roz looks at the clock] My life's not

going anywhere and-and, er, it's not that bad. It's just

the same old apartment, same old job...

Roz taps on the glass of her booth and motions Frasier to wrap it up.

Frasier:
Er, Russell, we're just about at the end of our hour. Let

me see if I can cut to the chase by using myself as an

example. Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife

had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to

me, which was excruciating. On top of that, my practice

had grown stagnant, and my social life consisted of...

hanging around a bar night after night. You see, I was

clinging to a life that wasn't working anymore, and I knew

I had to do something, anything. So, I ended the marriage

once and for all, packed up my things, and moved back here

to my hometown of Seattle. Go Seahawks! [laughs] I took

action, Russell. And you can, too. Move, change, do

something; if it's a mistake, do something else. Will you

do that, Russell? Will you? Russell...? [to Roz]

I think we lost him.

Roz:
No, we cut to the news thirty seconds ago.

Frasier:
[annoyed; rips off his headphones] Oh, for crying out loud!

I finally bare my soul to all of Seattle, and they're

listening to Chopper Dave's "Rush-Hour Round-Up!"

He gets up and enters Roz's booth. She is busy with administrative stuff.

Frasier:
Well, the rest of the show was pretty good. [Roz says

nothing] It was a, a good show, wasn't it?

Roz:
[tears him a piece of notepaper] Here, your brother called.

Frasier:
Roz, in the trade we call that "avoidance." Don't change

the subject, tell me what you think.

Roz:
[points at her console] Did I ever tell you what this

little button does?

Frasier:
I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How

was I today?

Roz:
[turns her chair to face him] Let's see... you dropped two

commercials, you left a total of twenty-eight seconds of

3 of12

dead air, you scrambled the station's call letters, you

spilled yogurt on the control board, and you kept referring

to Jerry -with the identity crisis -as "Jeff."

Frasier considers the criticism. He decides to handle it with

avoidance.

Frasier:
[takes the notepaper] You say my brother called...

Roz:
Mmm-hmm.

Frasier leaves.

FADE OUT:

THE BROTHER:

Scene Two -Cafe Nervosa

Frasier is at the bar, reading a menu. Niles Crane, his younger

brother, is standing next to him recounting a story.

Niles:
So I said to the gardener, "Yoshi, I do not want a Zen garden

in my backyard. If I want to rake gravel every ten minutes to

maintain my inner harmony, I'll move to Yokohama." Well, this

offends him, so he starts pulling up Maris's prized Camellias.

Well, I couldn't stand for that, so I marched right into the

morning room and locked the door until he cooled down.

Frasier has been nodding his head, but he has obviously not been

listening.

Niles:
Tell me you would have handled it differently, Frasier.

Frasier:
[looks up] Oh, I'm sorry, Niles, I didn't realise you'd

stopped talking.

Niles:
You haven't heard a word I said.

Frasier:
Oh Niles, you're a psychiatrist -you know what it's like

to listen to people prattling on endlessly about their

mundane lives.

Niles:
Touché. And on that subject, I heard your show today.

Frasier:
And?

Niles:
You know what I think about pop psychiatry.

Frasier:
Yes, I know what you think about everything. When was the

last time you had an unexpressed thought?

Niles:
I'm having one now.

They share a chuckle. The waitress behind the bar comes over.

Niles takes his briefcase off the bar and goes to an empty table

nearby.

Waitress:
You guys ready?

Frasier:
Two cafe latte supremos.

He goes to the table, and watches Niles obsessively wipe his chair

dowm with a handkerchief. Niles offers the handkerchief to Frasier.

Frasier:
No, thank you.

They sit down.

Niles:
So, Frasier. How are you doing on your own?

Frasier:
I'm fine. I love my new life. I love the solitude.

I miss Frederick like the dickens, of course. You know,

he's quite a boy. He's playing goalie on the peewee soccer

4 of12

team now. Ha, he's a chip off the old block!

Niles:
You hated sports.

Frasier:
So does he! [laughs] The fresh air's good for him.

Niles:
[laughs] Oh well, this has been fun, Frasier, but... we

have a problem, and that's why I thought we should talk.

Frasier:
Is it Dad?

Niles:
Afraid so. One of his old buddies from the police force

called this morning. He went over to see him, and found

him on the bathroom floor.

Frasier:
Oh my God!

Niles:
No, it's okay, he's fine.

Frasier:
What, his hip again?

Niles:
Frasier, I don't think he can live alone anymore.

Frasier:
What can we do?

Niles:
Well, I know this isn't going to be anyone's favourite

solution, [opens his briefcase] but I took the liberty of

checking out a few convalescent homes for him. [puts some

brochures on the table]

Frasier:
Oh Niles, a home? He's still a young man!

Niles:
Well, you certainly can't take care of him -you're just

getting your new life together.

Frasier:
Absolutely. Besides, we were never simpatico.

Niles:
Of course, I can't take care of him.

Frasier:
Oh yes, yes, of course, of course... why?

Niles:
Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.

Frasier:
Who does?

Niles:
I thought you liked my Maris!

Frasier:
I do. I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way

you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without

the warmth.

Niles:
Well then, we're agreed about what to do with Dad. [reads a

brochure] "Golden Acres: We Care So You Don't Have To."

Frasier:
It says that?

Niles:
Well, it might as well!

Frasier:
Alright, I'll make up the spare bedroom.

Niles:
Oh, you're a good son, Frasier.

Frasier:
Oh God, I am, aren't I?

Downcast, he cradles his head in one hand. The waitress arrives with

their coffees.

Waitress:
Two cafe supremos. Anything to eat?

Frasier:
[depressed] No. I seem to have lost my appetite.

Niles:
[perky] I'll have a large piece of cheesecake!

Frasier glares at Niles.

FADE TO:

THE FATHER:

Scene Three -Apartment

[N.B. The Apartment set was built on the same soundstage at Paramount

Studios that housed the set of "Cheers."]

Frasier is playing the piano. The doorbell rings; he stops playing,

shuts the keyboard lid, and disconsolately trudges to the door. Just

before opening it, he casts a melodramatic gaze over his apartment:

the last moment of solitude. Then, he opens the door.

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