Frasier Page #2

Season #1

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Frasier:
[upbeat] Hi! [laughs]

5 of12

Niles enters; he is carrying two suitcases.

Niles:
We finally made it!

Martin Crane, their father, hobbles in on a cane. He does not look

at all enthusiastic.

Frasier:
Ah Dad, Dad, welcome to your new home! [hugs Martin]

Gee, you look great!

Martin:
Don't B.S. me, I do not look great. I spent Monday on the

bathroom floor. You can still see the tile marks on my face.

[sits on the couch]

Niles:
[to Frasier] Gives you some idea about the ride over in the

car. [puts down the suitcases]

Frasier:
Well, er, here we are...

Martin, who has propped his leg on a table, accidentally kicks a

glass ornament off of the side; Frasier catches it.

Frasier:
Well, rest assured the refrigerator is stocked with your

favourite beer, Ballantines, [places the glass ornament on

a small folding table] and we've got plenty of hot links

and coleslaw...

Niles:
Mmm!

Frasier:
And I just rented a Charles Bronson movie for later!

Martin:
Let's cut the "Welcome To Camp Crane" speech. We all know

why I'm here. Your old man can't be left alone for ten

minutes without falling on his ass, and Frasier got stuck

with me. Isn't that right?

Frasier and Niles glance uncomfortably at each other.

Frasier/Niles:
[laughing] No, no!

Frasier:
I want you here! It'll give us a chance to get reacquainted!

Martin:
That implies we were acquainted at one point.

Niles fakes some chuckles, Frasier glares at him.

Niles:
Well listen, [picks up the suitcases] why don't I take

Dad's things into his new bachelor quarters so you two

scoundrels can plan some hijinks!

He leaves.

Martin:
I think that wife of his is finally driving him nutso.

Frasier:
Yes, we Crane boys sure know how to marry. [goes to the

kitchen] Let me get you a beer, Dad. So, ah, what do you

think of what I've done with the place, eh? [returns and

sits on the couch, handing a beer to Martin] You know, every

item here was carefully selected. This lamp by Corbusier,

the chair by Eames, and this couch is an exact replica of

the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier.

Martin:
Nothing matches.

Frasier:
Well, it's a, it's a style of decorating, it's called

"eclectic." [off Martin's look] Well, the theory behind it

is, if you've got really fine pieces of furniture, it doesn't

matter if they match -they will go together.

Martin:
It's your money.

The doorbell rings. Frasier gets up; as he goes to the door, he

gestures at the view of the Seattle skyline offered by the balcony

windows.

6 of12

Frasier:
Dad, what do you think of the view? Hey, that's the Space

Needle there!

Martin:
Oh, thanks for pointing that out. Being born and raised

here, I never would have known.

Frasier chafes briefly; then, he opens the door to a delivery man,

who has with him an old, battered, and aesthetically unpleasing

Barcalounger.

Man:
Delivery for Martin Crane.

Martin:
Oh, in here! [gets up]

Man:
Coming through!

He quickly wheels The Armchair into the room. Frasier and Niles

(who has returned) look on aghast at this latest addition to the

apartment's luxury furnishings.

Frasier:
Excuse me, excuse me, wait a minute-

Man:
Where d'you want it?

Martin:
Where's the TV?

Niles:
[points] It's in that credenza.

Martin:
Point it at that thing.

Man:
[sees a designer chair in the way] What about this chair?

Niles:
Ah, the chair? Here, let me get it out of your way.

He lifts it away carelessly, and it is replaced by The Armchair.

Frasier:
[shocked] Niles, Niles, Niles, be careful with that, that's

a Wassily!

The delivery man leaves. Martin sits in The Armchair, newly

installed as the centrepiece of the apartment.

Frasier:
Oh look, Dad, as dear as I'm sure this, this piece is to you

I, I just don't think it goes with anything here!

Martin:
I know, it's eclectic!

He reclines, knocking over the small folding table; Frasier rescues

the glass ornament again, and rights the table.

Frasier:
Niles, Niles, will you help me out here?

Martin:
Ah, you're gonna have to run an extension cord over here so

I can plug in the vibrating part.

Frasier:
Oh yes, that will be the crowning touch.

Niles quickly heads for the door.

Niles:
Well, now that you two are settled in, I've got to run.

I'm late for my dysfunctional family seminar.

He is halfway out of the apartment before he remembers something...

Niles:
Dad, have you mentioned Eddie yet?

Frasier:
[horrified] Eddie?

Niles:
Ta-ta! [closes the door]

Frasier:
Oh no, Dad, no, no! Not Eddie!

Martin:
But he's my best friend! Get me my beer, would you?

Frasier:
[fetches the beer] But he's weird! He gives me the creeps!

All he does is stare at me.

Martin:
Ah, it's just your imagination.

Frasier:
No Dad, no! No, I'm sorry, but I am putting my foot down.

Eddie is NOT moving in here.

7 of12

FADE TO:

EDDIE:

Scene Four -Apartment -Night

The lights are off. Martin is in his chair, eating a hot link and

watching the Charles Bronson movie; sounds of mindless violence can

be heard emanating from the TV.

The camera pans over to the couch, where an uncomfortable-looking

Frasier is seated. Perched next to Frasier is Eddie -a wire-haired

Jack Russell terrier. Eddie stares at Frasier.

End of Act One.

Act Two.

Scene Five -Cafe Nervosa.

Niles has just been served his coffee; Frasier rushes in.

Frasier:
[anxious] Niles, there you are! I'm sorry I'm late; just as

I was leaving, Dad decided to cook lunch by the glow of a

small kitchen fire! Oh Niles, this last week with Dad, it's,

it's been a living hell! When I'm there, I feel like my

territory's being violated; when I'm not, I'm worried about

what he's up to. Look at me, [shows Niles his shaky hands]

I'm a nervous wreck! I've got to do something to calm down.

[goes to the bar] Double espresso, please! Niles, you don't

still have the brochures from those rest homes, do you?

Niles:
Of course I do. Don't forget, Maris is five years older

than I am. But you really think that's necessary?

Frasier:
I'm afraid I do. I don't have my life anymore. Tuesday

night I gave up my tickets to the theatre, Wednesday it was

the symphony... [gets his coffee]

Niles:
That reminds me, weren't you going to the opera on Friday?

Frasier:
Yes, here. [hands him some tickets]

Niles:
Thank you.

Frasier:
Niles, you don't suppose there's a chance that you and Maris

could...

Niles:
Funny you should mention that. Maris and I were just

discussing this. We feel we should do more to share the

responsibility.

Frasier:
You mean you'd take him in?

Niles:
[laughs incredulously] Dear God, no! But we would be

willing to help you pay for a home care worker.

Frasier:
A what?

Niles:
You know, someone who cooks and cleans and can help Dad with

his physical therapy.

Frasier:
These angels exist?

Niles:
I know of an agency -let me arrange for them to send a few

people over to meet with you.

Frasier:
Niles, I can't thank you enough! I, I, I feel this

overwhelming urge to hug you!

Niles:
Remember what Mom always said: "A handshake is as good as a

hug."

Frasier:
Wise woman.

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