Frasier Page #3

Season #1

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They shake hands.

FADE TO:

8 of12

THE HOME CARE SPECIALIST

Scene Six -Apartment

A woman is standing in the hallway, talking to Frasier.

Frasier:
I have never been more impressed with a human being

in my life!

He closes the door on her. Cut to inside the apartment. Martin is

in The Armchair; Eddie is on the couch.

Frasier:
[angry] Now what was wrong with that one?!

Martin:
She was casing the joint.

Frasier:
"Casing the joint!" She spent two years with Mother Teresa!

Martin:
Well, if I were Mother Teresa, I'd check my jewellery box!

The doorbell rings.

Frasier:
Oh, this is the last one. Can you please try to keep an

open mind?

He opens the door to Daphne Moon, a British woman in her twenties.

She is adjusting her bra as Frasier opens the door.

Daphne:
Oh! Hello -caught me with my hand in the biscuit tin!

[takes her hand out and shakes Frasier's] I'm Daphne, Daphne

Moon.

Frasier:
Frasier Crane. Please come in.

Daphne:
Thank you. [enters]

Frasier:
Er, this is my father, Martin Crane. Dad, this is Daphne

Moon.

Daphne:
Nice to meet you. [sees Eddie] Oh, and who might this be?

Frasier:
[darkly] That is Eddie.

Martin:
I call him "Eddie Spaghetti."

Daphne:
Oh, he likes pasta?

Martin:
No, he has worms.

Frasier:
Er, have a seat, Miss Moon.

Daphne:
Daphne. Thank you. [sees The Armchair and pats it] Oh, will

you look at that. What a comfy chair! It's like I always

say, start with a good piece and replace the rest when you

can afford it.

She smiles at Frasier. So does Martin. Daphne sits on the couch.

Frasier:
Yes. Well, er, perhaps you should start by telling us a

little bit about yourself, Miss Moon.

Daphne:
Well, I'm originally from Manchester, England...

Frasier:
Oh really, did you hear that, Dad?

Martin:
I'm three feet away. There's nothing wrong with my hearing.

Daphne begins to take all sorts of things out of her bag: a brush, a

glass, a sponge -and finally, a piece of paper which she hands to

Frasier.

Daphne:
I've only been in the U.S. for a few months, but I have quite

an extensive background in home care and physical therapy, as

you can see from my resume. I... [suddenly turns toward Martin]

You were a policeman, weren't you?

Martin:
Yeah -how'd you know?

Daphne:
I must confess -I'm a bit psychic. It's nothing big, just

little things I sense about people. I mean, it's not like I

can pick the lottery. If I could, I wouldn't be talking to

9 of12

the likes of you two, now would I? [laughs]

Martin is amused; Frasier looks unimpressed.

Frasier:
Yes. Perhaps I should describe the duties around here.

You would be responsible for...

Daphne:
[suddenly turns towards Frasier] Oh, wait a minute,

I'm getting something on you... you're a florist!

Martin smiles.

Frasier:
No, I'm a psychiatrist.

Daphne:
Well, it comes and goes. [puts her things back into her bag]

Usually, it's strongest during my time of the month. Oh, I

guess I let a little secret out there, didn't I?

Frasier:
It's safe with us. Well, Miss Moon, I think we've learned

just about all we need to know about you, and a dash extra!

[goes to the door]

Daphne:
[waves her arms at Eddie] You're a dog, aren't you?

Daphne and Martin laugh.

Frasier:
Well, we'll, er, we'll be calling you, Miss Moon. [goes for

the door handle]

Martin:
Oh, why wait? [to Daphne] You've got the job!

Daphne:
Oh, wonderful!

Frasier:
[annoyed] Er excuse me, excuse me, aren't you just

forgetting a little something here? Don't you think we

should talk about this in private?

Daphne:
Oh, of course you should; I completely understand. [she

stands up and shoulders her bag] I'll just pop into the loo you

do have one, don't you?

Frasier:
Yes.

Daphne:
Oh, I love America...

Daphne walks into the powder room. As soon as its door is shut:

Frasier:
Dad, what do you think you're doing?

Martin:
You wanted me to pick one, I picked one.

Frasier:
But she's a kook! I don't like her!

Martin:
Well, what difference does it make to you? She's only gonna

be here when you're not.

Frasier:
Then... what's my problem? [laughs] Daphne!

Daphne returns.

Frasier:
You've been retained.

Daphne:
Oh, wonderful! I had a premonition.

Frasier:
Quelle surprise.

Daphne:
I'll move my things in tomorrow.

Frasier:
Oh, move in? Oh, I'm sorry, there must be some

misunderstanding. Er, this isn't a live-in position.

Daphne:
Oh, dear. Well the lady at the agency-

Frasier:
The lady at the agency was wrong; this is just a part-time

position. I'm, I'm afraid it just won't work out.

Martin:
[gets up] Hold on there, Frasier, let's talk about this!

Frasier:
Dad, there's nothing to discuss!

Daphne:
You two should talk about this. I'll just pop back in here

and enjoy some more of your African erotic art.

Frasier:
Daphne, Daphne -I think it would be best if you leave.

Daphne:
Oh well, alright then. [goes to leave]

Frasier:
Don't be alarmed. We'll contact you. If not by telephone

then, er, through the toaster.

10 of12

Daphne leaves, allowing tempers to flare.

Frasier:
Dad, I'm not having another person living in this house!

Martin:
Give me one good reason why not!

Frasier:
Well, for one thing, there's no room for her!

Martin:
What about that room right across the hall from mine?

Frasier:
My study? You expect me to give up my study -the place

where I read, where I do my most profound thinking?

Martin:
Ah, use the can like the rest of the world! You'll adjust!

Frasier:
[angry] I don't want to adjust! I've done enough adjusting!

I'm in a new city, I've got a new job, I'm separated from my

little boy, which in itself is enough to drive me nuts. And

now my father and his dog are living with me! Well, that's

enough on my plate, thank you. The whole idea of getting

somebody in here was to help ease my burden, not to add to it!

Martin:
Oh, do you hear that, Eddie? We're a burden.

Frasier:
Oh Dad, Dad, you're, you're twisting my words! I meant burden

in its most positive sense!

Martin:
As in, "Gee, what a lovely burden?"

Frasier:
Something like that, yes!

Martin:
Well, you're not the only one who got screwed here, you know.

Two years ago I'm sailing toward retirement and some punk

robbing a convenience store puts a bullet in my hip. Next

thing you know, I'm trading in my golf clubs for one of these.

[shakes his cane] Well, I had plans too, you know! And this

may come as a shock to you, sonny boy, but one of them wasn't

living with you.

Frasier:
I'm just trying to do the right thing, here. I'm trying to

be the good son.

Martin:
Oh, don't worry, son. After I'm gone you can live guilt-free,

knowing you've done right by your pop.

Frasier:
You think that's what this is about, guilt?

Martin:
Isn't it?

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