Frat Pack

---

1

[grunting]

[woman] Yeah. Oh, yeah.

There we go.

No, no, no, let's not...

Take your shirt off, little boy.

Oh, yeah.

- [man] Okay, this is...

- [woman] Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

- I just needed the toilet.

- Just pee your pants.

- Stop it.

- Oh, yeah.

- No.

- Yes!

- No.

- Yes!

[grunting and moaning]

You shut up, you baby.

Yeah. Shut up! Shut up!

Oh, here, look at the butterfly.

You gotta look at the butterfly.

Now look at the butterfly.

Now look at the butterfly.

Look at the butterfly.

Oh!

Ooh, look at the butterfly.

Ooh! [laughs]

[man] For the record,

I did not sign up for this.

This is not the sort of situation I

would typically choose to be in.

Just thought

that you should know that.

[woman laughing]

- Help!

- Oh, yeah.

[pop song playing]

[man rapping]

[song ends]

Hello there, I'm Elliot.

This is my village. In England.

It all started one summer.

I'd just graduated university and I

had to move back in with my mother.

I was having a bit of a

tough time finding a job.

Oh, and I was recently dumped.

So, yeah, the first days of adult

life were looking promising.

Wakey-wakey,

hands off your snakey.

I'm not... Mom, morning.

You're not looking at those

smutty sites, are you?

Like FuckTube and YouTug.

Ugh. No. Why have you even

heard of things like that?

There's a better girl out there for

you, darling. Don't you worry.

I always thought Alison

was a bit of a whore anyway.

Mom!

Just a mother's intuition.

Anyway...

I want to tell you that I've

met a lovely American chap.

- What?

- Yes. At the convention in Chicago.

We met in the bar and he bedded

me in his room that night.

- And I'm going to marry him.

- What?

Now, don't get over-excited.

I'm not getting over-excited,

I'm just hoping this is a joke

or something.

- A weird joke.

- Honestly.

He's the first man since your father

left to make me feel pleasure.

That's completely unnecessary.

Honestly, I've been

craving a man.

Then please stop

being honest, Mom.

He's a lovely chap,

you're going to really like him.

Is he here?

Oh, no,

you're going to meet him.

What are you on about?

- He's bought you a ticket.

- [spits]

- Where?

- To America.

- Really?

- Yes.

- Where?

- Bismarck, North Dakota.

Oh, where the hell is that?

Well, now,

I've heard it's a lovely place.

They call it

"The Orlando of the North."

Without the Disneyland or the

tropical weather, of course.

- What?

- So, you'll stay there for a while,

I'll be here

and wrap up stuff at work

and then join you on the weekend

for our little wedding.

This weekend?

Darling, if you don't like it,

you don't have to move.

Mom, this is...

What's the harm in going

and meeting everyone?

I understand American girls

quite like a British accent.

I have something for you.

Oh, my God. Gross.

- Well, now hang on.

- Why are there so many of them as well?

Would you like

to see a photo?

No.

Here's my Romeo.

- Oh, my good God, Mom.

- His name is Michaelson.

- What? Michael?

- Son.

- Son?

- Michaelson.

Michaelson?

What sort of a name is that?

Oh, don't be silly, darling,

please.

He's got two lovely sons.

Sean, the accountant,

and Joey.

I hear he's a bit

of a character.

- It'll be the start of a new chapter...

- I don't care.

Mom, I want nothing to do

with these people.

I am not going.

[PA chimes]

[woman over PA]

Welcome to North Dakota,

the least visited state

in America.

Not so fast, slick.

- I beg your pardon?

- Pardon yourself, assface.

Freak out

and I'm going to homicide you.

Now, walk and act casual.

Come on.

Come on.

- Keep it f***ing moving.

- Okay.

[in mock British accent]

Hello, guv'nor!

Me name is Winston Churchill.

Welcome to America.

[English accent]

The f***ing US of A!

[American accent]

Wolverine isn't English, moron.

[American accent] Yeah, but

Hugh Jackson is, you dumbass.

Dude, you got his name wrong,

and he's Australian.

He's not from Austria, you tool.

[English accent] Will you two blokes

stop cunting about, eh? [laughs]

[American accent] A little creepy?

A little creepy with the masks?

[English accent]

Off with your heads, then!

[man chuckles]

[American accent] Oh, yeah.

Hey. Michaelson.

How are you doing, eh?

This here's Sean.

I begged them not to do it.

What up, dude? I'm Joey.

But my friends call me

"Young Joseph."

Dude, nobody calls you that.

- Shut up.

- Hey, you like the OG sh*t?

You like the OG sh*t.

Huh, El, you like the OG sh*t?

[rap music playing

on car stereo]

[Michaelson] All right.

All right.

That's how we like it.

That's how we roll.

- It's great.

- Yeah.

You know what?

Never mind that.

Nah, let's get going.

[engine starts]

Do you want the Beatles?

Do you want that?

- You want the Beatles?

- Okay.

[man singing pop song]

[song fades]

[Michaelson] So it's a

three-bedroom casa upstairs,

so you'll be crashing here

in my dojo down here. Yeah.

And I hope you don't mind

the girls being in here,

'cause they love Joe's room.

- Oh, the cats?

- Yeah.

I'm actually

slightly allergic.

What? Holy sh*t!

I gotta get the girls

out of here!

[Elliot] It's not...

It doesn't really matter, but...

It's a mild allergy.

Look, I am so sorry.

I am so sorry.

Consider this

an official apology, okay?

- Okay.

- We had no idea.

We're all cat lovers here.

That's Princess over there.

This is Cosby. This was before Cosby

did all that sh*t, I named it.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's fine. It's fine.

My mom actually gave me

allergy medicine, so...

Your mom is an angel sent

directly from God's bosom.

- Directly! Directly!

- Directly.

- I like techno.

- Okay.

I love hip-hop,

I like... I like kale,

I like Uber X, I like social

medias, I like all that sh*t, El!

I'm telling ya, if you're

thinking I'm some kind of weirdo,

I'm a...

I'm actually pretty cool.

- I'm pretty cool. [clears throat]

- Mmm-hmm.

[cat growls]

I think I'm...

I think I'm pretty nervous.

Is the cat okay?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Yeah, I think he went to the bathroom.

I gotta go.

Really beautiful house.

Oh, yeah, did my dad

set you up okay?

Yes. I'm in the sort of Asian-inspired

room. I've got my own punch bag and...

- Right. The dojo.

- Yeah.

Sorry about the cats.

Um...

Ever since our mom died,

my dad's been really into them.

- [meows]

- Oh.

Sometimes he just tries

too hard.

I just think he really wants you

to like him.

So, what's up, are you in

a costume or some sh*t?

- [Sean] Dude...

- I'm just saying.

We need to make him look less like

Doctor Who before the trip. That's all.

I just... I wasn't really sure

what was appropriate to wear in...

I can dress you in my threads if

you're cool with the smell of p*ssy,

because they be covered

in that sh*t, yo.

He's a moron.

So, you just graduated college?

Yeah, a couple of weeks ago.

Oh, cool,

did you go to Hogwarts?

You see...

Total moron.

Okay.

[Michaelson] All right.

You dudes better be hungry.

- [cat yowls]

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes