Frat Star

---

Hey!

You piece of sh*t. We were having

some fun for just one moment,

and then you had to go

and f*** it up.

- I'm done listening to you.

- Well, I'll tell you something,

- you're nothin' without me.

- For the love of god,

- go away, stop!

- I've tried.

I have tried and I am out

of Patience with you.

I'm sick and tired

of being the one inside

trying to get out all the time.

Hey, I got tired

of waiting for you and...

- Ashley.

- Nick.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were

going to school today.

What's going on here?

What's he doing in your room?!

Hey man, I'm Elliot.

Actually Nick,

that's "fuckjerry,"

- he's just being modest.

- Okay, but what's "fuckjerry"

- doing in your bed?

- Are you calling me a slut?

- What're you doing?

- What is this?

- Your face is priceless.

- Did you take a picture of me?

- Delete it. -Elliot, could

you just give us a minute?

Yeah Elliot, can you give

us a moment, please?

That'd be great, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Why do you always do this

whenever I hang out

with a guy friend?

- You are ruining us.

- Hey, she's obviously

she's f***ing this dude, okay?

She f***ed Jerry

because she needs validation.

Lot of girls with low self-esteem

and daddy issues do that.

Hello?

Here's the deal.

We're done.

I'm out of your league.

And you're sad and pathetic

and I need someone

- who's better than you.

- Let me just hold you.

- Maybe if we held each other,

- okay, ew, ew, gross.

We would understand,

we would remember how it feels

- to be in each other's arms.

- Don't touch me.

Please, please, don't go, Ashley...

F***, man.

- Oh, come on.

- Sorry bro.

Hey ginger, sweet tits,

can you bring me

another beer please?

- Ginger...

- Love you.

It's me.

- Hey.

- Here you go.

Well, hello there,

Nicholas, thank you.

What's wrong?

Why... why so down?

Ashley and I kinda had

a fight today.

So what?

Big deal.

Done.

Look, here's the thing.

You're going to college, right?

Tomorrow you're gonna join

a fraternity,

you're gonna be like

your old man.

You're gonna meet

some other women there,

some other hot asses.

You are gonna have

truffle butter

out the wazoo, my friend.

That and PJ cocktails.

Every hour is gonna be

PJ cocktail hour.

- I don't know.

- Anything you want,

you're going to live

like a king.

- That's not me.

- I don't want to hear that.

You are a frat man

just like me.

- Trust me on this.

- Okay.

As long as you don't say

"PJ cocktail" ever again.

Oh, my god.

I could go for

one of those right now.

- Stop it.

- Oh, come on,

- I'm just joshin' with ya.

- It's weird, though.

- No, you're not.

- Ohh!

Oh! Look at this room.

Oh my gosh, are you Nick?

- No, I'm Nick's dad.

- Okay.

- My name's Eugene.

- Eugene.

You may have

heard of me on campus,

- they knew me as Euey.

- Euey! Yes, man!

- Billy Hawkins.

- Billy. Hi, how are you?

Nice to meet you.

I'm great.

Firm handshake

you got there, Billy.

Let me, uh, introduce

you to the, uh,

the real roommate, if I may.

- Nick.

- Hey.

Nick.

Handshake.

Hmm, look at you.

Don't need those.

Ah, look at that.

That's bonding Nick.

That's bonding, Nick.

Welcome to the first day

of the rest of your life.

Just what

we've been telling him.

That is what we have been

telling him the whole drive up.

- Wow.

- How are you?

- Oh, gosh.

- Hi.

I'm sorry, that's ginger.

She's my lovely wife.

- Billy Hawkins.

- What a pleasure.

- An honor.

- What a pleasure.

Kisses on both sides,

very European.

You know what I'm talking about.

- Oh, sure.

- Mr. Nick.

- Yes, sir.

- I gotta ask you.

- Go.

- Are you a Whitehallian?

- Uh, delta kappa '89.

- God, I knew it.

- Oh, no. Stop. No.

- I knew it, dude.

- Oh, come on.

- I saw it in your bones,

- you were radiating it.

- Oh, stop it.

- Come on.

- That's not true.

You were the class

that did the thing

with the pigs

and the lead paint.

That's the pig pit.

- You...

- With the...

Whoop, bom-bing.

- And then the...

- Bop... okay...

- And then we go...

- We go that and then we...

- And then you...

- Oh!

- Oh!

- And then it goes on the...

- Boh! Boh!

- And then it's...

- Ooo-ooo-ah.

- God! Oh!

- Man! You gotta stay.

- Here?

We're having orientation

and then Phidelt

is throwing this party

and it's gonna be insane.

- Wait, today?

- Yeah, 5:
30.

- No, no, no. -Well, I

can do that, it's 5:30,

that's not a big deal,

I can stay for 5:30.

Please, Mrs. Nick!

It's at 5:
30, I can stay...

- And just...

- Dad, dad.

What, dad, what?

It would be fun,

- it would...

- It's his day, honey.

- Please?

- All right, she's spoken.

The law!

The great and powerful ginger.

- Ah.

- So, uh, next time then.

- One month.

- Get another bed in here.

Next time I'll spend the night.

- Work on him for me, will ya?

- Gotcha.

- Okay.

- We're going to shape him.

Okay, just bring him

out of his shell.

- He's getting out!

- All right.

- Thank you, Billy.

- God bless you, Mr. Nick.

God loves you.

All right, thank you.

Aw. Mwah.

Listen, I got you

a little something.

Uh, you know this is college,

and so I figured you need these.

Uh, you wanna wear 'em

all the time.

No, I don't want to

wear them all the time.

No, you do. I'm wearing

one right now.

- What?

No, you're not.

Well, you never know.

Don't tell me that,

that's disgusting, dad.

It's a joke.

Take 'em.

Take 'em from me, with my love.

All right, look, seriously,

you're gonna be okay here,

all right?

Just follow Billy's lead.

He'll show you the ropes, okay?

All right, dad.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

- Bye.

- Bye.

See you, dad.

- Welcome back, Roomie.

- Hey.

You say goodbye

to mommy and daddy?

- Yeah, they're gone.

- Good.

Okay, what's your

pregame preference?

Uh, I was gonna

go to orientation.

Orientation, my friend,

we know our gender, all right?

Not needed. What're you

already working on?

Um, it's just

the financial aid form.

There's a meeting

this afternoon.

There's nothing on it right now.

It's, uh, it's blank.

There's nothing on it right now.

Okay, Nick, um,

this is gonna sound crazy.

You're not gonna

understand this,

but, uh, no one can

know about this.

Why?

The people in this world,

they're insane.

And if they find out

that you are on financial aid,

they're gonna rip

your f***ing face off.

Uh, that doesn't make any sense.

And I know,

I know it's crazy, dude.

My dad doesn't make

any money, either, okay?

He's on some f***ing boat

in the middle of nowhere

with his next ex-wife,

but nobody knows about that,

and nobody

can know about this either,

because if they do,

there's no hope for you.

You understand?

Uh, not really,

but, uh, okay, um,

yeah, I'll keep between us,

not tell anybody..

- Okay, okay.

- Okay?

Okay. Okay.

Wow, that was intense.

- Oh, man.

- Okay.

Oh, my god.

Hi, ladies.

- Do you like fireball?

- -Yeah.

- Wow, I'm Billy.

- Olivia.

I like that name.

Do you know my friend Nick?

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