Freddy Got Fingered

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

I'm X-ray Cat. I've got super powers.

I can see through wooden doors

with my X-ray vision. Wooden doors.

I can see the criminal on the other side.

He can't see me, and he's committing crime.

I come along and say "I can see you. He says

"You can't." I say "Yes, I can with my..."

X-ray...

X-ray Cat.

"You can't get me. You can't get me."

"Yes, I can. Yes, I can."

"Yes, I can. Yes..."

The bananas.

I know a banana who applied for a job

as a telephone repairman.

Guy came and said "You want a job here?"

And he said "Yeah, I wanna get a job."

"You got the job!

You got the job, buddy!"

And then the beavers came. The beaver

started yelling at the other beaver.

The beaver started yelling at the other beaver.

He said "You stupid beaver!"

"You stupid..."

(# "Problems" by Sex Pistols)

Bye, Gord. Good luck.

Hey! Get off that skateboard!

# Too many problems

Oh, why am I here

# I don't need to be me

Cos you're all too clear

# And I can see

there's something wrong with you

# But what do you expect me to do?

# At least I gotta know what I wanna be

# Don't come to me if you need pity

# Are you lonely?

You got no one

# You got your body in suspension

# Problem

# Problem

# Problem

# The problem is you

# Eat your heart out on a plastic tray...

# Problem

# Problem

# Problem

# The problem is you

Gordie, honey.

I'm so sad you're leaving me.

Why are you moving to Los Angeles

to work in a cheese factory?

I'm not gonna just work in a cheese sandwich

factory. I'm gonna shop my drawings.

- I'm gonna be like Charles Schulz.

- You'll be fine.

- No, I'm gonna be like Charles Schulz.

- That's my boy. Confidence.

You're a big man now.

You've got a job, a goddamn real job, Gord.

And you gave up on those stupid doodles.

They're not stupid. They're not stupid.

Whatever. At least

you're leaving Daddy's basement.

Sh, Jim. He has a very nice job.

Look at our little baby boy.

He's all grown up. You come here.

- Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom...

- You little baby...

Mom, stop it. Stop it.

Mom, I'm a 28-year-old man.

Hey, baby. He's a 28-year-old man.

Yeah, I'm a 28-year-old man.

My bus is about to leave,

so I'm gonna get on it...

...and I'm gonna leave... on it.

- Son, wait.

- What?

You're not taking that bus to Los Angeles.

You bought me a ticket

on this bus to Los Angeles.

That's not all we bought you.

- There! It's yours. Hop in.

- Oh!

- Come on, you're driving.

- It's a... It's a LeBaron.

You bet your boots it's a LeBaron.

Good car. Convertible.

Jeez. A convertible.

It says "#1 Son" on the license plate.

That's me. I'm the number one son.

- What about me, Mom?

- You're number one son, too.

Then how come

Gord gets a LeBaron and I don't?

- Cos they love me more than they love you.

- No. No, they don't.

Oh, yeah? I only see one LeBaron, Freddy.

I don't see two LeBarons.

- Gordie. Gordie.

- Do you see two?

- Knock it off.

- Where's your LeBaron, Freddy?

- Boys! Boys!

- How many LeBarons are there? Two?

Shut up!

Gord, this car is more than a gift.

It's...

It's kind of an investment in you.

It means I believe in my son.

You be a good man.

Father, I... I will be a good man.

You make your daddy proud. You hear me?

I'm gonna make you proud, Daddy.

I'm gonna make you so proud.

Make your daddy proud.

- You're gonna be so proud.

- Proud?

Proud.

Get the f*** outta the way!

Well...

...the boy's grown up.

He's finally gone.

(# "Cars" by Gary Numan)

# Here in my car

I feel safest of all

# I can lock all my doors

It's the only way to live...

- What are you doin' to that horse?

- This is a stud farm, boy.

I wanna try the horsey!

I wanna try the horsey!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, this is fun!

Look at me, Daddy. I'm a farmer.

Oh! Oh! This is fun. Look at me, Daddy.

I'm a farmer. I'm a farmer, Daddy.

When I grow up I wanna be a farmer!

I'm a farmer!

- I'm really proud of that kid.

- Yeah. I think he's all grown up.

(# "I've Gotta Be Me"

by Sammy Davis Jnr.)

# Whether I'm right

# Or whether I'm wrong

# Whether I find a place in this world

# Or never belong

# I gotta be me

# I gotta be me

# What else can I be but what I am?

# I want to live

# Not merely survive

# And I won't give up this dream of life

that keeps me alive

# I gotta be me

# I gotta be me

# Daring to try, to do it or die

# I've gotta be me...

Look at me.

I'm sexy. I'm a sexy boy.

Ding-dong! Ding-dong!

Ding-dong! Ding-dong!

Ding-dong! Ding-dong!

Ding-dong! Ding-dong!

Ding-dong!

- That's lunch, everyone.

- Hey, are you guys leaving?

Can I help you?

Excuse me. Can I help you?

- Excuse me!

- It's OK. I'm here with the bag.

- Bag?

- The bag for the eels.

- What?

- For the badger, the badger.

What? What?

Hey! What are you talking about?

Are you here for a delivery?

- Japan 4.

- Japan 4? What?

Japan 4?

I've got the package you guys ordered.

- Wait. Who's it for?

- It's smudged.

I can really only make out "Boss".

- You mean Mr. Davidson?

- Uh, Peter Davidson?

- Dave.

- Dave Davidson, yeah. Dave Davidson.

See, that part was really smudged. OK?

You said Dave Davidson, then it triggered

into my brain. You know how that happens?

- He's the head guy?

- Yes.

So if you wanted to get a TV show based on

your animations, he's the guy to talk to?

- Yes.

- OK. He has brown hair?

- Blond.

- Blond hair?

Blond hair! I'm looking for someone

who is blond! Blond hair!

Are you a blond? Are you a blond?

- The blond...?

- He's at lunch, so I'll take the package.

- He's at lunch?

- Mm-hm.

His wife is dead.

What? Linda?

- Yeah, yeah, Linda. She's dead.

- Oh, my God.

So I should tell him.

Probably best I tell him.

- Who are you?

- I'm...

I'm Quincy. I'm with the Coroner's Office.

I'm like a police officer.

So I should see Mr. Davidson

cos I'm a police officer.

OK. I...

He'll be at that restaurant.

- He'll be devastated.

- OK...

God, he loved Linda.

- He did love Linda.

- I know.

I think it's wonderful

when two people love one another, and...

...even though there's a chance one of

those two people will die a horrible death...

...that doesn't make me fear love.

I'm not afraid of love.

Could I be your boyfriend? I love you.

- Get outta here!

- No, no, no. I was just thinking...

A woman is dead. Linda is dead!

I thought we could grieve together

over the dead Linda, over the dead woman.

F*** off!

You're a skinny loser!

- Someone call Security.

- Don't.

Sh*t!

- Security!

- Don't call them, OK? I gotta go.

Tell Hanna-Barbera to go f*** themselves.

I got twelve Korean teenagers in a tiger cage

that can draw a f***ing dog wearing a cape.

OK. I'm looking for a Mr. Dave Davidson.

- Are you Dave Davidson?

- No.

- David Davidson?

- My name's Peter.

- I'm looking for a David Davidson.

- I'm a woman.

- Did I ask what sex you are?

- No.

- Did I ask if you were David Davidson?

- My name is Cheryl.

- I'm Dave Davidson. Is there a problem?

- You're Mr. Davidson?

- Yeah, officer. Is there a problem here?

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