Freddy Got Fingered Page #2

- I'm not really a cop.

My name's Gord, and I want

to show you my drawings.

Your drawings? Are you kidding?

Mr. Davidson, I'm an animator. I've got

this idea I wanna pitch to you. It's a cartoon.

It's a cat with super powers.

It can see through wooden doors.

He solves crimes, he can fly.

My friends and I think it's hilarious.

He flies like this. It's great.

Right, well, I'm glad

your friends enjoy it, OK?

Tell me something, what do you want?

I want you to help me make it

into a TV show.

You just barge into a restaurant

dressed like a f***ing English bobby...

...and expect someone to give you a TV show?

Uh, I don't know. Um...

- Yeah.

- Do me a favor? Leave me alone.

- Please, please...

- Valet?

- Please, just look at my drawings.

- Yeah, OK. Fine.

It's X-ray Cat, but instead of seeing through

everything, he can only see through wood.

So if there's something on the other side

of a wooden door... See the criminal?

- I see the criminal. I see the door.

- He sees the criminal and saves the day...

...to the dismay of the police cos they hate it

when people take the law into their hands.

- Like a Batman.

- Like a Guardian Angel. What's that called?

- Like a vigilante.

- Like a vigilante! He's like a vigilante...

...uh, cat.

It's a cat who's a vigilante.

A cat who is a vigilante.

I got that, Gord. Listen, your drawings are

pretty good, but it doesn't make sense, OK?

It's f***ing stupid. OK?

What you need here is elevation.

There has to be something that happens

that's funny. What the f***'s happening here?

- OK. That's a banana...

- I see the banana, Gord.

- With string.

- I see the string.

With a bag of eyes on the other end,

ba-ba-baboon eyes...

...with sauce...

...uh, dripping.

Dripping sauce and a baboon.

You see what I mean?

It doesn't make any sense, Gord.

It sucks! The drawings are pretty good,

but the characters are lame.

God. The characters are lame.

I'm a loser. I wish I was dead!

Gord, listen! Wait, wait, wait. Listen.

I'm trying to give you

a piece of advice. Will you stop?

You gotta figure these animals out.

You gotta figure them out.

You gotta get inside the animals. OK?

Figure them out.

Take that out. I can't understand.

- I gotta get inside the animals?

- Get inside the animals.

- You mean I shouldn't blow my brains out?

- No. No, you shouldn't blow your brains out.

Wanna play in the big leagues?

You gotta work on it 24 hours a day.

You gotta give it weeks and weeks

and months and months and years!

And then if it doesn't work out, Gord,

then blow your f***ing brains out.

But, sir, I can't work on this all day.

I got a job at the cheese sandwich factory.

The cheese sandwich factory? That's funny.

No, it's true. I gotta make cheese sandwiches.

- I got rent and...

- Gord, listen.

If you really wanna be an animator,

you should quit the shitty cheese job.

Think about it, all right?

Gord, you really wanna be an animator...

... get inside the animals.

"Get inside the animals."

You were a big boy, weren't ya?

Oh, stinky.

# I'd like to build the world a home

and furnish it with love

# Grow apple trees and honey bees

# And snow-white turtle doves

# I'd like to teach the world to sing

# In perfect harmony

# I'd like to hold it...

Holy sh*t!

I wasn't...

I wasn't expecting that to happen.

(# "We're a Happy Family"

by The Ramones)

# We're a happy family,

we're a happy family

# We're a happy family,

me, Mom and Daddy

# We're a happy family,

we're a happy family

# We're a happy family,

me, Mom and Daddy

# Sittin'here in Queens

eatin'refried beans

# We're in all the magazines

Gord, you're back! Whoa!

There we go.

Hello?

Now listen, Gordie's gonna be a little upset

about being back home, so just be nice.

I'm home.

- Gordie, sit down. We're having roast beef.

- Why do you guys always have roast beef?

Boo-hoo! Little Lord Fauntleroy's tummy

hurts cos there's too much roast beef in it.

It's just boring.

- I'm eating a chicken sandwich.

- You're not!

This is crazy. I'm 28 years old. I should

be able to eat a chicken sandwich if I want.

He's 28 years old and he can eat

a chicken sandwich. Very impressive.

Mike Fitzgibbon's son

is a nuclear physicist...

...and my son can eat a chicken!

Jim, no!

You can either eat that goddamn roast beef,

or you can go to bed.

Good.

Sh. Gord! Gord!

Don't hammer 'em so loud. Jeez.

It's late. You're gonna wake up your parents.

- You're right. I'll use the electric nail gun.

- Yeah.

Sh. Sh. Gord. Gord!

- What?

- Oh, boys!

Will you two faggots stop making

so f***ing much noise? We're sleeping.

Sh!

Goddammit!

It's three in the morning!

- Stop the f***ing hammering!

- Jim, I got a kid over here. OK?

- Gord, are you almost done over there?

- Yeah, nearly, Mr. Malloy.

Hey, Gord.

Can I play on your ramp tomorrow?

Sure, Andy. Any time.

Has your dad got, like, bowel problems?

- Let's skate this thing.

- Don't you think it's kinda dark, Gord?

I gotta work tomorrow.

You mean to say we're finished now and you

are not gonna enjoy the fruits of your labor?

I don't have the right shoes on.

They're slippery and they got no sole.

- Just enjoy the fruits here.

- Don't say "the fruits".

OK.

Holy sh*t.

Dirty little sh*t! You think that's funny?

I gotta work in the morning.

Argh!

- Dad, what the f***? He hurt his leg.

- He shouldn't have been screaming out here.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh! Oh, Christ! Oh, God!

Get him a job!

Get him an ambulance!

You get a job. He's got a job.

What the hell are you doing?

- Hi. I'm looking for my friend Darren.

- Sh.

Wow. That's a...

Oh, that's a neat trick you do there.

Yeah! Yeah, my record's seven in a row.

Oh!

Wow. Are hospitals always this fun?

No. Sometimes... Sometimes

people here die of cancer.

- Cancer, huh?

- Yeah.

Hi, I'm Gord.

Hi. I'm Betty.

Uh...

- That creamer game's fun.

- Yeah, I know. Yeah, it's my hobby.

- Yeah. My passion is...

- Creamers?

No! No. Not just the creamers.

Physics. Flight, actually.

I'm kind of a rocket scientist,

to tell the truth. Yeah.

Well, OK, amateur. Amateur rocket scientist.

- It's still pretty crazy.

- Yeah. I know.

- What do you do?

- Me, uh...

Investments. I do investments.

Um... Consulting in the business... business.

Um, analyzing stocks.

Uh... NASDAQ, Dow Jones,

Wall Street Journal...

...uh, New York City, CNN.

- Oh, wow. Wow. You must be rich.

Yeah. You know, they have creamers

in places other than hospitals.

And I thought...

If this is forward, just tell me...

...but maybe we could go to

one of those places, like a restaurant.

We could flip them together there sometime.

Uh...

That'd be fun. Here's my number.

OK. Call me.

Oh, gotta run. I'll talk to you soon.

Call me, Gord.

Bye!

Have you seen that girl, the doctor?

No. I haven't exactly been able

to get up and wander around, Gord.

OK, well, it's weird cos I asked her out

on a date and she said yes.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes