Freddy Got Fingered Page #3

- Yeah, that is weird.

- Excuse me. Could you keep it down?

This is a hospital room and I'm pregnant.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

I didn't realize that you were pregnant.

So anyway, that girl I asked out on a date,

see, I thought she could walk.

- She's handicapped? Is that what you mean?

- She's in a wheelchair.

Could you please just shut the f*** up?!

I am f***ing pregnant!

- You saying you hate people in wheelchairs?

- I don't hate them.

I think it's clear what you're saying.

You hate the handicapped.

I don't. You're handicapped.

I don't hate you. See?

You're handicapped. You're handicapped.

- You bastard!

- My baby's coming! My baby is coming!

Help.

Help. My baby is coming.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Oh! Oh!

- Are you OK, ma'am?

- My baby is coming. My baby is coming.

- Call the doctor, you f***ing a**hole!

- It's OK. I'm a doctor.

No, get me a real doctor.

I am a real doctor. See? I'm a real doctor.

Get away from me!

- Here. Spread your legs for me, OK?

- No! No!

What are you doing? What are you doing?!

- I see the problem here.

- Don't.

There seems to be a little baby

inside your body.

Here. Give me your head, little fellow.

Give me your head, little fellow.

Here, little fellow.

I got you. I got you. I got her. I got her.

I got her. I got her. I got her. I got her.

Put it back, Gord.

You gotta cut the cord.

You gotta cut the cord.

Jeez, do I have to do everything?

Oh, God. Help me.

Why isn't it crying?

Uh, it's sleeping?

- Give me my baby, you f***er!

- I'll wake up your baby.

- Gordie!

- Wakey-wakey! Wakey-wakey!

Wakey-wakey! Wakey-wakey!

I saved the day.

Thank you.

I saved the day.

I saved the day.

My pretty baby girl.

- Don't ever come back. Ever.

- I saved the day.

- You did not save the day.

- What's going on, Gord?

I saved the day. Don't touch

my shoulder, OK? I saved the day.

Seems like they got

a problem with heroes around here.

I saved the day, Betty.

- I'll call you tonight.

- OK.

Hey! Come on in. Just got four in a row.

- What?

- Creamers. Four creamer flips in a row.

- Come watch.

- Oh, cool.

Whoo! I got another one.

- No way. Are those actually rockets?

- Uh-huh.

- I'm designing a rocket-powered wheelchair.

- Really?

- That's incredible. Does it work?

- No.

No, I haven't been able

to quite figure it out yet.

Don't you feel like a stupid dummy?

- Excuse me?

- You tried to make it work, but it doesn't.

- It must make you feel like a stupid dummy.

- No.

I didn't expect to master the intricacies

of rocketry on my first attempt. It's a process.

- You sort of learn from your mistakes.

- Hm. Never thought of it like that.

Besides, they don't let me

work on it at the hospital.

They don't think handicapped people

should go fast, but it's bullshit...

...cos I like going fast and I like rockets...

...because they're hot...

and hard... and long.

Actually, I thought we could

kinda go to a movie or something.

Uh, hi.

How are you?

Be a lot better if you'd spank my legs

with this bamboo.

Um...

What?

Just whack it against my shins

as hard as you can, OK?

Uh... I guess.

Um...

How's that?

Come on, Gordie.

You can do better than that.

What are you, a little puss?

- A puss? A p*ssy?

- Come on.

- Come on, p*ssy. You can do better.

- P*ssy? I don't know...

- How's that?

- Come on, p*ssy, p*ssy!

Don't be shy, little p*ssy.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, come on, I wanna see them bleed!

Oh, yeah! I felt a tingle!

Oh, don't stop! Oh, yeah!

Oh! Oh!

You wanna get another tingle?

Ow! Gord, what the f***?

Not my face! It's not my face

that's paralyzed, you f***!

Sorry. I...

I've never really caned anyone before.

It's OK.

It's your turn now.

OK.

Don't do it too hard, though.

I've got sensitive knees.

Oh, I'm not gonna whack your legs

with the bamboo, Gord.

I'm gonna give you a blow job.

Betty, it's only our first date. We should go

do romantic stuff first, like walk in the park.

- I can't walk.

- Maybe I could take you out for a roll.

I'd rather stay here and suck!

The thing is... I think... OK.

Come here, Gord.

Uh...

Hm.

Um...

That's my umbilical cord.

Oh? Didn't you ever have that removed?

Um...

It's taped. It's just for fun.

I taped it there for fun.

Uh...

OK. I can work around it.

Wait... wait... wait...

- Come on.

- Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

OK.

- Hello, Father.

- Hey, Freddy!

- How are you, son?

- I'm working hard, just like you taught me.

- You moving back home, Freddy?

- What? No, no, no.

No way, Mother. I'm a man now.

I'm all grown up and I'm out on my own

and I'm earning a good living.

- Is it gonna be a busy day at the bank today?

- Well, I sure hope so.

Is that, um...?

Your big brother. He couldn't handle the

complexities of making a cheese sandwich...

...so now he's back home with us.

- Wow.

Jeez, is that idiot still in the shower?

Sh*t, how much water is he gonna use?

Yeah, how much is he gonna use? All of it?

He should save some for the fish. Huh, Pop?

Gord!

I'll fix him.

How's the water? Cold enough for ya?

Dammit. Don't tell me you're so stupid, you

can't tell the difference between hot and cold.

- What the f*** is going on?

- I'm underwater. Look, I found a treasure.

- A treasure? That's soap on a rope.

- Sh. I'm pretending it's a treasure.

Get out of my goddamn scuba gear,

you imbecile.

Oh, no, the treasure!

It went into that underwater cave.

Get out of that toilet!

Get out of that toilet!

Father, you saved me

from the giant barracuda.

But, look, I salvaged the treasure.

We can live like kings.

- We can live like kings!

- Forget that f***ing soap.

Clean up this mess and get your ass

out that door looking for a job, you retard.

He's driving me insane.

No. No, you're driving him insane.

You're older than me

and you still live at home.

I have a job, you know. I pay my own way.

- You work in a bank. Should I be dazzled?

- Well, at least I don't live at home.

No, you live in a tiny shithole

and you come here to eat for free.

Whatever. Listen, I'm off to work now, OK?

Me and Dad have jobs.

We're doing something with our lives.

It's time for you to grow up.

Good luck with that job hunt, OK?

All right. Let's cross our fingers.

OK, Freddy?

Let's cross our fingers

and hope I get a job. I'm serious.

Just cross your fingers.

All right! Fingers crossed.

I hope I get a jobbie, Freddy.

I got my fingers crossed.

- I hope I get a job. I got my fingers crossed.

- Goodbye, Gord.

I got my fingers crossed.

Crossed. Crossed. Cro...

...ssed.

(# "Personality Crisis"

by The New York Dolls)

# Wha!

# Whoo!

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

# All about that personality crisis

# You got it while it was hot

# But now frustration and heartache

is what you got

Paid for his damn college.

Sits at home all day, whacking off.

Better have a damn job.

Proud...

My ass!

Hey!

# I'm the backwards man,

the backwards man, the backwards man

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