Freddy Got Fingered Page #4

# I can walk backwards fast as you can

I can walk backwards fast as you can

- # I'm the backwards man...

- What the hell is that?

# I'm the backwards man, the backwards man

Backward man, the backward man

# The backward man, the backward man

Backward man, the backward man

# I can walk backwards fast as you can

I can walk backwards fast as you can...

- Gord!

- Dad!

What in God's name are you doing,

you stupid little man? Wait...

Did you get a job?

Yeah.

I got a job and I wanted to surprise you.

Hey, you bullshitting me, boy?

No, I got a job working nights

at a computer company.

I was borrowing one of your suits till I could

get enough money to buy one of my own.

Are you kidding? You can keep that suit.

Oh, Gord, I knew you had it in ya.

You're just a late bloomer, that's all.

Yeah, I just bloomed late.

Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks

or something? For supplies.

For, like, pens or Liquid Paper

or a Trapper Keeper...

...or one of those little compasses

that you put the pencil in...

...and you can make a circle,

a perfect circle.

Hey, worker, take a hundred.

Golly, Gord. I knew if I kept yelling at ya,

pounding you over the head with it...

...you'd come around.

Golly, Dad. You were right all along.

Oh! Come on. Come on. Come on.

No, no, no!

Just keep dancing, celebrate!

Hell, man, this is a great day.

# I'm the backwards man,

the backwards man...

Oh! Oh, Gord. Oh, you're amazing!

- Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

- I'm doing it good.

Agh! Agh!

Aaaaagh!

- Am I doing it wrong?

- Oh, no!

Oh, that was incredible.

Time for your blow job, Gordie.

Oh, not right now, Betty.

- Oh, Gordie, come on.

- I thought we could have a nice evening.

- Don't you want me to suck it?

- No, no, no.

- Betty, let go. Betty, just let go.

- No, no.

- What, Gordie? Come on!

- Betty! Betty! Betty! Betty, come on.

- Betty, stop it.

- What?

Stop it!

Why are you yelling?

It's crazy. This is the second date we haven't

gone out on yet, and if you do this again...

...you'll have sucked 200% more times

than we've gone out on dates.

And I just think if we went out on at least

one date and you didn't do any sucking...

...that'd make the whole sucking-to-date

ratio far more balanced, you know?

Yeah. OK. Let's go out then.

Good. Good.

(# slow movement

of a string quartet by Haydn)

Jim, thank you for

taking me out for dinner tonight.

Maybe now that Gord is working, we can

finally spend our evenings alone together.

Jim, what are you doing?

- Thank you. That was yummy.

- I'm so glad you liked it.

Andy, would you like a piece of cake?

Am I really allowed a piece of cake, Daddy?

Of course you can have a piece of cake.

It's your birthday.

- Yay!

- Yay!

So, Gord...

...is your job really hard?

It's not hard, no. I mean,

you have to be smart, really smart.

You have to use your brain.

I have to use my brain.

I like to see when the stocks are high, OK?

- And I like to see when they're low.

- That's interesting.

Sometimes they're really high.

Sometimes they're very high.

That's high!

That's when you wanna sell.

You buy them when they're down very low.

Yeah. I have some graphs I can show you.

If you pay attention to these patterns here,

you can see. I made these on my computer.

Oh, boy. I need to spill some urine.

Where can I do that?

The restrooms are at the other end

of the restaurant, sir.

Thank you very, very much.

Cheerio.

- Wow. It's all over the place.

- This one here is high.

- It's interesting.

- Just look at the patterns.

Um...

Is that, um... Did you need to...

Oh, yeah.

This is my... This is my cellular telephone.

It's wireless. It uses satellites and terrestrial

antennas to send and receive transmissions.

It's, um... It's a new thing.

- Interesting.

- Hello?

Hey. Here's my buddy Andy.

Ah, somebody's eating some birthday cake.

- Yes, sir. It's my birthday.

- Hey.

- How you doing, Jim?

- I'm great.

- So I guess Gord's busy these days, huh?

- Yeah. That kid of mine is something else.

He's working day and night

at his big, new computer job.

- Yeah, I noticed him over there.

- Say what?

It looked like he was having

an important business meeting.

- Oh, yeah.

- Speak up. I'm on my cellular telephone.

I don't care, Bob.

You're fired. You're fired!

You're f***ing fired, Bob!

Clean out your locker at the club, Bob.

You're f***ing fired!

Patterns. I don't f***ing care

what he told you, OK?

I'm talking about 40 million

f***ing Deutschmark here, Bob.

40 million f***ing Deutschmark!

I told you to wire the money

to Geneva last week.

I say Geneva, you hear Helsinki, huh?!

40 million f***ing Deutschmark, Bob!

- What's going on?

- Da... Jim. Uh, Jim, hi.

- Gord, is this your dad?

- No, this is little Timmy. Little Timmy.

He works at the company.

He gets us food and stuff. Right, Timmy?

What the f*** is going on, Gord?

Why aren't you at your new job?

What are you talking about, Timmy?

Oh, Jesus, Gord.

There is no computer job, is there?

You're just gallivanting around in my suit,

pretending to be a mover and a shaker.

OK, Timmy. I'm on the cell... phone here.

This is my phone from my kitchen.

What the hell is this? Ah, boy.

Here we go. Hah!

My goddamn tape recorder.

He's pretending to have a cell phone. He's

an unemployed loser living in my basement.

Wait a minute.

- You're a cripple.

- Dad.

- Wha... What?

- Dad.

- Got a problem with my legs?

- You've got the problem.

- Either that, or you're just lazy.

- Hey, Dad, just shut up, OK?

You're telling me to shut up?!

- Why is he shouting, Daddy?

- Can we get the check over here?

...retard, slut, whore!

- I am not retarded.

- (# band play "Marriage of Figaro" by Mozart)

- Daddy! Daddy!

Goodbye, Gord.

Betty, don't go!

Shut up, Dad!

Shut up! Shut up!

- This is a fancy restaurant.

- Oh, this is a fancy restaurant.

This is a fancy restaurant.

It's a fancy... It's a fancy restaurant.

- Spanking. Spanking.

- You want a spanking?

Spanking. Spanking.

Agh!

Agh!

Get off the f***ing bar, a**hole!

Um...

...thanks for bailing me out, Betty.

Your dad called me a retard, slut, whore.

I don't think he likes me too much, Gord.

- That was little Timmy.

- Gord.

Come here.

I know it was your dad.

- You could have told me you lived at home.

- Even though that means I'm a loser?

Just because you're not a stockbroker

doesn't mean you're a loser.

So what do you do?

Actually, I kinda draw pictures.

Really? What kind of pictures? Like fruits?

- Oh, not fruits. I've drawn fruit before.

- Yeah?

- Animations.

- Oh, wow.

That's great. I've never met

a real animator before.

I'm not really a real animator.

Life's hectic. I'm having trouble

concentrating, with all the skateboarding...

...and you sucking my penis all the time.

Oh, my ear popped. My ear just popped.

- I think I heard it.

- When I laughed, my ear popped.

Well, Gordie, maybe

you're concentrating a little too hard.

Maybe you just need to relax while you draw.

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