Free Guy Page #7

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Who am I talking to? It’s just such a classic Guy line.

Right? (LAUGHS)

You’re good. Oh, anyway…

And you, you tried to steal it from me with that Molotov chick.

(THROUGH SPEAKERS) Her name’s Millie.

KEITH:
Yeah. Wait, who?

GUY:
Millie.

(WHISPERING) I think it’s going really well.

I know. This is literally the first time I took my gun out the holster.

Totally. Right?

Guy, I tried to go back through, but the glitch is patched.

And I never found it again.

So I’m the only one that ever saw what was on the other side.

But it’s all here, check it out.

It’s pretty cool actually. It’s like a whole other world.

This is it? This is the game clip?

Yeah, that’s it.

(GASPS) Can you do one, single, just one solid for me?

One thing, I’ll stop asking, okay?

Yeah.

Just say my catchphrase.

My viewers will just banana cream sandwich all over themselves if you say it.

I love banana cream sandwiches.

REVENJAMIN:
Maybe not this banana cream sandwich.

Yeah, this one.

Okay, perfect. Okay, so just say, “You know what time it is?”

You know what time it is?

You know what time it is?

You know what time it is?

You know what time it is?

(IN DEEP VOICE) You know what time it is?

REVENJAMIN:
You know what time it is?

(THREATENINGLY) You know what time it is?

It’s crime o’clock, baby. Yeah.

It’s crime o’cl…

But, no, I can’t say that. That’s…

Okay. It’s all right. I’ll say it myself.

All right, you know what time it is?

No.

It’s crime o’cl… (SHOUTS) Mom!

Mom! Are you serious with the… vacuum right now?

You really have to do that here? I’m saying my… catchphrase! Everybody’s watching!

God!

MOM:
(SHOUTING) You’re 22,

living in my house, there is no God!

Sorry, Guy.

Thank you, Mr. Buttons. We’re gonna go.

No, no, no! No, you gotta kill me.

I’m sorry, what?

You gotta kill me. Please kill me.

Give it to me, Daddy. Give it to me! (EXCLAIMING)

No. Please don’t do that. Please don’t do that.

We’re not gonna hurt anybody. I’m a good guy.

What? What’d you say?

That’s deep.

No, it’s not.

That’s like I can taste you, deep.

I want your help, Buddy. I don’t have the safeword.

I know what you want.

I don’t want that.

Yeah, you do.

That’s touching.

They’re touching.

Yeah.

I know what you want.

Yes, I do.

You want a little bit of that Free City Itchy Kitty.

No.

Uh-huh. Yes, you do.

GUY:
The way you move, it’s almost dirty.

What about a little Thanos Glove… into a little bit of Thanos Snap?

Oh. That looked like it hurt.

Yeah, a little bit.

A little Sunday Drive.

GUY:
You have a beautiful home.

Snakey Man? No? No Snakey Man?

GUY:
Bye, Mr. Buttons.

Come on, give me one snake! Just come on, man.

(SHOUTING) Mom! Do not touch that sock!

I swear to God, if you touch that sock… you will be in therapy for the rest of your life!

No! That’s my special sock! Put it down!

GUY:
Millie, please.

Please wake up from your standing coma.

Look, I know this world is just a game to you and you can come and go, but to me… this place, these people, that’s all I have.

And if I can help you save it, I wanna do that… but you gotta wake up, please.

Millie, I’m sorry for running away.

Guy?

(YELPS)

Oh, that’s so scary! It’s just terrifying.

MILLIE:
I know, I know.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Look, you may have started out living in the background, but so did I.

We’re done with that.

I got you a present.

I didn’t have time to wrap it.

MILLIE:
What?

(HELICOPTERS WHIRRING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(GRUNTING)

(THROUGH SPEAKERS) They say over a billion NPCs are killed every year.

Now, I’m not gonna lie, that’s at least 50% my fault.

GAMER:
I used to shoot all the secondary characters when I was bored, you know?

And then, I’d teabag ’em a little bit.

Who the hell even knows who this Blue Shirt Guy is?

But I’ll tell you this, he’s got me thinkin’ about NPCs and how I play the game.

The game wasn’t even made for someone like this, for a player to be a good guy.

He’s also a really cute guy.

And not just the face, you know, like the whole thing. (GIGGLES)

And, honestly, it’s got me realizing… maybe we’ve been thinking about NPCs wrong this whole time.

I think Blue Shirt Guy’s like a symbol, you know?

Like, maybe people can be whatever they want.

He’s like an icon. Is that the right word?

Like, he reminds us of what’s possible.

Also, he’s like crazy hot.

Oh, my God, totally. I’d hit those pixels hard.

NINJA:
We should all be more like Blue Shirt Guy.

Maybe we just stop the killing.

(GRUNTS, SHOUTS) He’s dead! You hear me?

The guy, put him up here.

Put him up here on the screen. Put him on the screen.

Make me see him. There he is.

Yes. There he is, the little do-gooder.

MOUSER:
I thought you liked Blue Shirt.

Don’t say words to me!

People are so busy watching this loser on Twitch and YouTube.

You know what they’re not doing, guys?

Buying Free City 2.

Pre-sales are down 16%.

60.

60. That’s bad.

Oh, we are 48 hours from launch.

Yeah, he’s gone viral.

Yeah, a virus that’s giving me ass and ball cancer at the same time!

Inoperable!

(SIGHS) You know, this whole good guy routine… it is a bad influence, and is bad for the franchise.

I want him gone. I don’t care who it is, boot him.

You can’t.

Oh, I’m sorry, what?

You can’t.

Why not?

Because he’s not a hacker, Antwan. He’s an NPC.

You’re tryin’ to tell me that all this sh*t about a self-aware NPC is real?

Yeah. I don’t know how or why, but he’s real.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

What to do? What to do? Got it.

(GRUNTS)

And kip-up!

(GRUNTS, CLAPS)

So we can’t kick him out of the game.

How do we reset his AI? Ideas, people. Come on.

Hit me. Ideas.

MOUSER:
You could just reboot the server.

(CLAPS) Keep talking.

If we reboot the server… then he’s just gonna revert back to a regular non-player guy.

Solution.

Antwan.

Antwan, you’re talking about terminating… the first confirmed artificially intelligent life-form right now, okay?

Honey, honey. Shush. (SHUSHES)

He’s losing me money.

So, I don’t care if he’s Arnold-Frickin’Schwarzen-Vader.

Terminate him. Reboot.

MOUSER:
On it.

You can’t do that.

Reboot!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER:
(THROUGH SPEAKERS) Order up and drown your bloodlust… with a tall glass of murder juice.

Here’s this week’s highlights.

He’s very expressive with his body.

Clearly.

REVENJAMIN:
(THROUGH SPEAKERS) What is that?

It’s a whole new world over there.

Some kinda paradise and sh*t.

Oh, my God, that’s it.

It’s our original build and that build is proof our code is in the game.

You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this.

I’ve seen this place.

What?

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

Yeah.

What do you mean? How could you have possibly seen it? (DISTORTS)

Millie? Millie?

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC RISING)

(DISTORTING, GLITCHING)

We’re dark. Free City is offline.

(SIGHS)

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

GAMER:
What is happening?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMS IN GERMAN)

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