Free Samples Page #2

Yes, and just a drop of milk.

You know what, no milk.

Just take the cup

and say "Moo" over top of it.

Ok. That's very good but

save it for when it counts.

How am I supposed to

buy you the coffee?

Crazy, I don't know

if you noticed

but I just gave you $5.

But you didn't give me money

for the actual coffee.

I don't know you well enough

to go and buy you a coffee.

We're not friends like that.

You know what,

I have one friend.

That's how I got trapped

in that stupid truck.

So look, I'm certainly not

looking for another.

Let's review. I gave you

$5 to go away.

Now that $5 is yours to

keep no matter what.

You put that

straight into your IRA.

This new $5that

is to go buy my coffee.

When you return,

with the coffee,

I'm going to give you your $5.

Do I get to keep the change?

No.

Yeah. Why not?

Because I said so

and I'm too mean to ever

change my mind.

What are you,

trying to seduce-

I don't understand.

Just go and get coffee!

You're a believer aren't you?

You believe? Oh God.

You know what? No.

I think I can honestly

say I'm just not a believer...

Oh God. I can't believe

I got you to go away.

Then I actually

asked you to come back.

Okok. Heyhey!

You can do it!

One coffee!

One real sugar.

Only you can save my life.

Go.

# Coffeecoffeecoffee

coffee coffee #

Real sugar!

Coffee!

Hi.

Hi. Chocolate or vanilla?

Vanilla, please.

Aren't you hot in there?

Nope.

They say people are

descendants from apes

but I think my family is

descended from reptiles.

They're all

cold-blooded lawyers.

Oh, well I uh-

What?

I don't- My family doesn't

believe in evolution.

Darwin and all that.

Ok.

Next.

Hi.

Hi Chocolate or vanilla?

Um, I want both.

You can't have both.

You have to pick one.

You can give me both

if you wanted to.

Yeah, but we live in

a polite society.

There are rules. There are lots

of things I'd like to do

that I'm not allowed.

Like what?

I don't know- I'd like to walk

around naked for an entire year.

I'd like to sleep in a tent

on a beach in Malibu.

Kill a few people.

Quite a few, actually.

I'll have two cups

of the chocolate.

Well, you can have

chocolate. Just one cup.

But the other girl

always gives me two cups!

She's not here.

Well, the other girl's a lot

prettier than you are.

Alright!

First of all,

you're seeing me with

a hangover- no make-up!

Secondly- I'm also a

great deal more flexible

than the girl

who's usually here.

So what?

Well, you'll find out

why it's important

and people pee on that girls couch.

Joel!

What? I thought I told you

to wait for me by the car.

Why are you eating this junk?

I just had one bite.

Shouldn't you check

with the mother

before you give

ice cream to a child?

I usually do.

But- Joel said that you were

dying in a hospital.

He was so sad.

I couldn't resist.

Joel! I didn't say that!

She said she wanted

to kill people!

No! We were discussing

civil liberties!

He's clearly taking

that statement

totally out of context.

Come with me, right now.

Uh, Peter.

Uh, where's my sister?

Um, I'm filling in today.

As I can see.

Where's my sister.

She had something

she had to do.

The same question before

we arrive at an answer?

You know what?

I feel like you look.

Unless you want to deal

with a bunch of angry bees.

Had one too many last night?

Yeah. Then three more

just to make sure.

Um, I don't know

what she had to do,

but she said she was going to

maybe stop by your apartment.

My apartment? Why?

Uh, she didn't say.

She was going to cash

this check for me.

Maybe you could-

No.

Okay, well, tell her I'll come

by her place later then.

You know- hey- if she

told you she'd do it,

she told me she was going

to go to your apartment,

you should maybe

just go there. Wait.

Cigarette?

So tell me councilor-

Oh no- I'm not- I dropped

out of law school.

I thought you were taking

the semester off,

slumming it with some

weirdoes in LA.

Well, you're certainly

not going to stay here

and live "Mike's Dream"

are you?

I don't know.

We'll see.

Anyway, I'm wondering why you

want me to go back

to my apartment?

I don't.

Then I won't.

Peter, why would I care?

Thanks for the smoke.

Uh-Uh- Stop it.

Hey, um, gee, you're right.

Fine, you're right.

Let's hear it.

And your grandfather are

all waiting at your house

to give you a substance

abuse intervention.

Isn't that sweet.

Yeah, it is actually.

It shows they care.

You're not there.

I guess you don't care.

You're my friends'

brother Peter.

I mean- I barely know you.

The few times we've talked,

you've been so drunk

I could barely understand you

or else you were mysteriously

snide and hostile.

So you don't care

if I go home or not.

Nancy's my friend.

It would make her very happy

if you checked into

a rehab facility.

And, I'm trapped in this stupid

truck until she gets back.

So, I want you to speed home

and do whatever it is that's

good for you.

Thanks again for the cigarette.

Crap.

Sorry Nancy.

Yes. Hello?

Hey.

Oh, watch out for that.

Sorry- I got it.

Hi.

Do you have any stamps?

No.

Are you sure?

Am I sure?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, what kind

of question is that? What?

You obviously think I work in

some kind of postal truck.

Do you think that I would

work in a postal truck

and not realize

that I sold stamps.

Sometimes a deli

will sell stamps.

Do you want mustard with

your ham sandwich?

What's wrong with you?

I got kidnapped this morning

and I'm being forced

to wear a t-shirt that

makes it pretty obvious

that I need to get

fake breasts,

before people start

calling me sir,

and I haven't had any coffee.

I think your shirt looks nice.

Paula? Paula?

No, I know that your name

is not Paula,

you can keep on walking.

Ugh!

# Well you got the brains

and I got the shakey shakey #

# You got the curves

but I've got the pow #

# And how's about we get

a little closer now #

# How's about we get

a little closer now #

# whoa, whoa

[ vocalizing ]

Hey!

Are you housetrained yet?

[Sigh]

I know, that was pretty bad.

Is Nancy mad?

You urinated on her couch.

I know!

She's not pleased.

I know what I did!

So, how's it going so far?

Well, I gave a Homeless woman

money to go get me coffee

and she never came back.

A little kid gave

me the finger.

And I had to make

a phone call today

and my cell phone is dead.

Do you have your

cell phone with you?

No, no. That got

cut off two months ago.

It was either a new amp

or the phone bill.

Why, who do you need to call?

This guy Danny who I used

to go to law school with.

He's kind of my boyfriend.

Kind of my fianc.

Does he know that

you're having sex

with a bunch

of different dudes?

It's not a bunch!

And, we're taking

a small break.

How did you know I was here?

Uh, last night Nancy told

me that she had

to go to some intervention

for her grandfather.

So- gonna ask you to-

Well the intervention

is for her brother.

Oh, yeah. Well,

that's good then

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