Free Samples Page #3

because Peter's

a mean little drunk. Dick.

Oh, by the way,

my band's playing tonight

you should totally come.

Oh, you know.

I don't really like your band.

Really?

Well you're not

very good, are you?

All bands suck at the beginning

and then you're great like

you're a tight band

with like thirty songs

and a dynamic live sound.

I mean- you have a ten-minute

song about sitting on the couch

and eating Cheetos.

That's a good song.

No it's a horrible song

they hate you and your band

for the rest of their lives.

You are starting

to hurt my feelings

so I'm going to go.

No. Come on!

I think it's great that

you have these guys

you can hang out with

and get drunk with.

And, you probably

get laid a lot. Yeah?

See who cares

if you're not very good.

I do, Jillian!

You know what? You seem

like you're a cool person

but then when someone

starts talking to you

you turn out to be a

complete pain in the ass.

That's certainly true.

And then you do that.

When I'm trying to argue with

you, you agree with me.

What am I supposed to do?

But I don't wanna

I hate that. I don't

want to argue with you.

But what if I want to

argue with you?

Wally look, I'm going

to make it up to you.

Give you a free sample.

Ooh, you know what?

I'm going to mix

the chocolate and the vanilla.

No, no. Jillian. I'm willing

to chance it for you.

No, no. No, I don't want

any of that stuff.

Jillian, it gives me the shits.

It gave me the shits one time.

But you could help me

realize a life long dream.

What's this scar from?

My brother shot me in the ass.

That had to hurt.

It's not that bad actually.

You definitely want

to get shot there

if you get shot somewhere.

I'll remember that.

I am going to wait on a

customer with no pants on.

Tell me that's not

the coolest thing ever.

Is it sexual for you?

No.

[Mumbling]

Hey guys.

Hey!

What can I get for ya?

Sure is. I have chocolate

and I have vanilla.

Chocolate?

Yeah sure.

Two chocolates.

Coming right up.

A cup.

Ah Jillian?

Yeah?

Two chocolates please?

Excellent. Could you

get them for me?

Kind of on a break, Wallace.

Could you get them for me anyway

and don't call me Wallace.

Mmm, no.

Ok.

One-second guys.

Is there a problem?

No there's not a problem.

Maybe you gentlemen could

fill out a response card

about how you feel

about our product?

When we haven't even

tried the product? Yep.

Yeah- that's-

Maybe you gentlemen could come

back in five minutes.

Sorry.

Ok,

my break is over.

Yes, thank you Jillian?

Two chocolates,

How many pot-heads does it take

to make one cup of ice cream?

Excuse me are you sassing?

Hey!

It doesn't matter what they-

Just get the

two chocolates, okay?

It'll be right there gentlemen.

Here you go.

Enjoy them.

These. Both of you.

May I have a spoon?

No.

They're-

Great.

That was really good Wally.

[Spanking]

That was a dream of mine

and you, you know, ruined it.

C'mon. You could get a job

as a telemarketer.

Work all day totally nude.

Yeah, everything's

a joke to you.

Oh, you wanted me to

take that seriously?

Want to make it up to me?

Come see my band play tonight.

Ok.

Really?

No.

You know, you're

the best looking woman

I would never, ever

consider having sex with.

Wally, if I wanted

to have sex with you,

you'd do it.

I'm a guy, I'll have sex with

anyone who will let me.

Why, were you thinking

of having sex with me?

If you get rubber sheets on

your bed, I'll think about it.

No. Hey,

will you come back

and bring me a coffee?

Uh, no.

Please?

A cup of coffee!

Should have been nicer.

# Time passed too fast

before you saw her #

# Then it stopped short,

short on a dime #

# And she's so pretty, she's so

pretty, she's so pretty #

# And you've never seen

so pretty in all of your time #

# And then you can get

the governor on the line #

# Or will it with

all of your might #

# But you can't change the fact

that she's a diamond, #

# shiny diamond And you sir

are merely just a man #

He definitely saw me pee.

Can I have a chocolate, please?

[Man talking on phone]

Does your dad want one?

Hey dad, do you-

Doesn't matter, just hurry up.

He can be such

a jerk sometimes.

I understand.

He's an evil lawyer, You know,

you're kind of lucky.

I didn't know dads could be

jerks until this year,

and The problem with learning

that so late in life.

It just, it totally

just breaks your heart.

You'll be okay.

[Ice cream truck music plays]

Hello there!

[Knocking]

You can't do that.

I can't hear my programs

with that music.

It drives me insane.

You have to turn it off.

I don't know how it could

be driving you insane.

Turn it off.

No, I hear this

music all the time.

You're only allowed to play it

when you're driving.

You're not allowed to play

it when you're parked.

If you don't turn it off,

I'm going to call the police.

Driving. You said

I could play the music

if I'm driving.

Stop it. Stop playing

that music.

Don't worry. I only have

half a tank of gas left.

I'm going to call the police,

and they'll shoot you!

Lady!

Hey.

Hi. I'm glad

you're still here.

Can't say that I'm glad.

Chocolate or vanilla?

Chocolate.

Cat's or dogs?

What?

Oh, sorry. I thought

you were doing like,

a word association game.

No, I wasn't.

Okay.

Well I just wanted

to swing by and see

if we were still

on for tonight.

And also, is this suit

too much?

Too much of what for what?

Yeah, I don't know.

Should I wear this.

Or do you think I should

go home and change

into something

more casual first.

Oh, come on,

you do remember me, don't you?

From literally last night.

Well, I know that

you're not Wally

and I'm about 50%

sure you're not Nancy.

I was the man sleeping

next to you,

except you were under the

covers and I was above them.

Oh, you're Tex!

Well, yes and no.

How is that a yes and no.

But actually everybody else in

the world calls me Albert.

Why would they do that?

That's my name.

Why were you wearing

a cowboy hat?

I was having a bad hair day.

I couldn't find

my baseball cap.

Why are you all dressed up?

Oh, will your bride be

joining us for dinner?

My little brother

is getting married.

Tex.

Albert.

I'd like to stay with Tex. Okay.

The thing is, I'm not really

dating so much these days.

Well, it's just dinner.

Maybe a little dancing.

But, I'm not really dating.

And if you're

talking about sex,

we were in bed together,

and quite naked

if I remember correctly.

You were way too drunk.

There are rules.

Are they written down?

Does this have anything

to do with that guy Danny

you mentioned last night?

Did I get drunk and tell

you my life story?

Yes, well you did mention

something about Danny,

and there was

something about you

trying to be a painter

and there was stuff

about how much you hate

your father right now.

Oh! Stop.

Oh God. I can't-

You know way too much about me.

I can't look you in the face.

Okay, you know what then.

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