Free Samples Page #4

Why don't I tell you

something that no one else

in the world knows about me?

And then we'll be even.

Like what?

Okay, so when I was

thirteen years old,

I used to hang out with this kid

named Keith McGrath.

He was the coolest kid

in the neighborhood.

He was good at sports.

He knew all the important

curse words and and

here, come here.

That he would ride around

the sand dunes

that this construction

crew made.

Were you cool?

No, for some reason

I had great difficulty

pronouncing the word

"vagina" correctly.

I want to know how

you pronounced it.

That's not important.

Anyway, So one day

Keith McGrath and I

were behind our houses

in a large wooded area

and he pulled out

a pack of matches.

We started setting bigger and

bigger piles of leaves on fire.

And the leaves started

blowing around.

It got out of control.

They set the bushes on fire.

It started jumping

to the trees.

We tried to put it out

with our coats

but it just started

getting worse.

So- Without

saying a word

we decided to run,

And I was amazed

because I was running as

fast as Keith McGrath.

Why do you keep saying

his full name?

Because Keith McGrath

was so cool

that you would never

want to confuse him

with any other lesser Keith.

Right so we both

ran back to the house.

Oh you got-

Hey you, yeah you.

We're closed.

That's good.

I don't think he'll

ever come back.

So you ran.

Okay, right.

So as I'm running

I realize I'm going twice as

fast as I ever had before.

And not just fast, I'm

I'm graceful.

Like a young deer.

I realize that I'm

I'm running like Keith.

Keith McGrath?

So the old sniveling me would

have ran to my house,

gone upstairs to

my bedroom and cried

while I waited for my parents

to come home and punish me.

But now I could run

like a deer.

So- So, what did I do?

I ran into the kitchen,

I grabbed the phone.

I dialed 9-1-1

and reported the fire.

Then I bounded back

outside on my new legs,

and I waited for

the firemen to arrive.

And when they did I took them

back out to the fire

and it was put out with very

little damage done at all.

And you didn't get in trouble

for starting the fire?

Well the old me

would have but-

When the fireman asked

me what happened

I didn't cry or piss my pants.

I just looked them right

in the eye and told them

that I saw older boy

playing with matches

and that they started the fire.

And they believed you?

Yeah, they did.

And you didn't tell anyone?

Well, I told you and um-

I almost told my father

the night before my parade.

Your parade?

I was a hero.

Heroes get parades.

And Keith McGrath?

Keith McGrath.

The coolest kid

I had ever known

went straight to his

bedroom and cried

while he waited to be punished.

I tell you something

happened that day.

It sounds like

you thought quickly

and he panicked.

Yeah, you could say that.

And what would you say?

I say on that day,

as we ran out of those woods

Keith McGrath and I

exchanged souls.

Exchanged souls.

How does it work?

I don't know.

But I tell you,

I never changed back.

And the change was total.

Keith found out that he was too

clumsy for sports anymore.

He started smoking

a lot of pot.

He gained weight.

Girls started to avoid him

whereas they used

to flock to him.

And you could run?

Not just run.

It was like my remaining baby

fat burned off overnight.

I grew six inches by the end

of the school year.

My classes started

to seem easy.

I became an honor student.

And did I mention girls?

Well, I started dating

actual live girls.

It was like a whole new world.

While I write my thesis for

my masters in Literature.

It's a critical study of a trio

of Paul Auster novels

called The New York Trilogy.

You kidding?

I love Paul Auster.

Yeah, I know.

Was last night just a

complete black out to you?

I remember the cowboy hat.

You got your masters

in Literature, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

If I'm without devotion

then I'm faithless

but if I'm filled with

hope then I'm faithful.

Okay, and if I go to

a dentist for a simple cleaning

then that's painless

but if I get a root canal

then that is painful.

Yes.

Okay. Now, if I do anything

to get what I want

then that is ruthless,

but If I don't actively

pursue anything

then is that ruthful?

I see.

Do you?

Why does her name work in one

context and not in another.

Um, I don't know.

You know, but I'll have

an answer for you tonight.

You will?

It's not too far from the bar

we were at last night.

I'm going to be there

at about 8pm.

I would love for you

to join me.

It's just- I'm not

really dating.

All right, there's no pressure.

You're sure that I'm going

to be there aren't you?

Who doesn't like Mexican food?

Here you go.

What school did you go to?

Stanford.

Oh, are you joking?

Really? So you see we could have

been dating this whole time.

We could have moved passed

this awkward stage and be,

and be smack in the middle

of the good stuff by now.

The good stuff?

What the hell is that?

Well, if you meet

me tonight you'll be

one step closer to finding out.

Chocolate or vanilla?

Oh, not so fast.

What's in this stuff?

I don't know. Um,

it's made with love.

I'm lactose intolerant.

That means that I can't have

anything with dairy in it.

Well it looks like ice cream;

It might be yogurt.

Don't you have a list

of ingredients anywhere?

No.

Can you look for them?

Yeah, no I didn't see them.

You didn't even look for them.

Look, I think there's

a chance that this product

I think it would be wise for you

to not try one of our samples.

Okay, but if you have

some with soy

then I can have that.

Would it A) Kill you

or B) save your life

if you missed out on

snacking between meals.

You just called me fat.

I did no such thing

but you certainly are.

You just did it again.

No. That was the first time.

I'm going to call your boss.

You have no right to talk

to people like that.

[ grunting ]

Hi, do you need any help?

No.

Do you want me to bring

a cup to you?

No, just don't close

until I get there.

Uh, chocolate or vanilla?

You're not the usual girl.

She had somewhere else

she needed to be today.

Oh, um, well she usually

has a chair for me to use.

Uh chocolate.

You like it?

Oh, no.

No, it has sort of

a bitter chalky taste.

Well, why do you come

all the way over here

if you don't like it?

Well, it reminds me

when I was thirteen,

just a little thing

on the Jersey coast.

Oh Jersey coast.

But that was seven or

eight lifetimes ago.

Oh, I'm sorry, are you

talking about reincarnation?

Oh no. One life

is enough for anyone.

But there are so many

lives within that life.

You're so young you're

probably on your first one.

Uh, yeah, I guess.

I don't know.

I feel really old.

You know, when I was thirteen,

I used to be a very

devout Catholic.

But thirteen turned out

to be my religious peak,

and I've been on a Catholic

downhill ever since.

Do you believe in God?

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