Friends & Crocodiles Page #3

- Oh, yeah.

Computers. I should buy a computer.

I don't like them.

Get into computers, Lizzie,

don't let the blokes make it their preserve.

You know, in the early days of computers,

and not so long ago, too,

there were lots of women,

they understood them better than men,

because it was considered as lowly as typing.

(TAPPING ON BOOK)

(WHISPERING) I think we're there.

The future is planned...

and what's more, it's costed.

We've finished.

Not quite.

- You haven't told me about the crocodile.

- I will...

and I want to hear your opinion of all of this.

But first we must celebrate.

- Must we?

- I've had this house for five years.

You've been here nearly a year.

That must mean it's time for a party.

I wondered when that was coming. A small party?

No. I'm going to invite

absolutely everybody I know.

- We'll need the whole county to house that lot.

- No, we'll draw up the list together.

And once it is agreed, no one will be added.

I promise.

You all know where you are going to be,

you've got your positions.

So keep to them, don't wander off.

Concentrate all the time.

Now, coming to this party is everybody

from Cabinet ministers to small children.

I'm sure we'll all be able to tell the difference,

but just in case,

there's a full list I'm putting up here

of everybody that's coming.

Lizzie.

You can't wear that.

Why not?

- I'm one of the staff. I'm not a guest.

- Don't be stupid, don't be really idiotic.

You run this place.

Go on, go and put something really great on.

(SINGING)

Wonderful sight, isn't it?

You look wonderful, too.

Now.

He really has turned into Gatsby.

And you've arranged everything brilliantly, Lizzie.

- Thanks.

- God.

Hello, sir. Very good to see you.

Five bishops, three members of the cabinet,

at least.

And I don't need to tell you

who everybody is any more, do I?

I better get over there, hadn't I?

Do myself some good.

Too perfect an opportunity. Got to tuck in.

(VEHICLES HONKING)

Make way!

Make way for the unemployed.

Get all of these people out of here,

please, at once.

They're not coming in here, they're not on the list.

- Oh, really?

...something private as well.

- Please, come in.

- Yes!

Don't worry, this is a party for everyone.

It'll be fine.

My parties need a surprise element

to keep them fresh.

Everybody in.

This boy is the cleverest person at this party.

Ask him anything. No matter how obscure...

Oliver will know. He's like Mr Memory.

How tall is the Archbishop of Canterbury?

The Archbishop of Canterbury is very tall.

I think over 6'3".

And what is the biggest fish in the sea?

The biggest fish in the sea is the whale shark,

which is known to be 46 feet.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

How's the tour going?

- Going well?

- Yeah.

(MICROPHONE FEEDING BACK)

Four million unemployed!

Four million unemployed!

Have you seen Paul?

I have to find out if he needs me to do anything

about those kids.

He was just here.

I wouldn't go down there if I was you.

She's found us.

You didn't know we were here, did you?

On our prototypes.

Okay, guys, let's roll.

Out the way, Lizzie.

We're going to have a little fun.

Run over a few cabinet ministers.

Paul arranged all this with you, didn't he?

- Where is Paul? I must find Paul.

- Haven't seen him.

MAN:
He's down by the lake.

(PEOPLE WHOOPING)

All right, here we come!

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

Lizzie, Lizzie, Lizzie, what's the matter?

Those kids have gone mad.

They're doing terrible damage.

Somebody's got to stop them!

No. They're not unemployed kids off the street.

They're hired trouble makers.

He's paid them to perform.

It's just them larking around.

Look, Paul likes to stir up the great and the good

sometimes, that's all, okay?

You've just got to calm down.

It's not as bad as it looks.

Lizzie, just enjoy yourself, please.

- Have you seen Paul?

- No.

No drugs make any difference. I am what I am.

Nothing can change that.

I know a couple of bishops

who really love this room.

Still, it's only paper, isn't it?

Doesn't matter in the end.

Get out! Get out of here!

(SCREAMING)

Get out! What the hell do you think you're doing?

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

Look out!

Come on, darling!

Get me the police, please.

Come on.

Please.

Sh*t. I can't find my driver.

Cunningham, will you wait?

Okay, Cunningham, time to step on it.

Let's get out of here.

- Are you crazy?

- Am I crazy?

What have you done? You can't call the police.

I have called the police.

Do you realise who's here?

Do you know who some of the guests are?

Somebody was going to get hurt.

I couldn't find you, I had to do something.

- It's a lie, Lizzie. It's not the real reason.

- Not the real reason? I see.

And what is the real reason?

The real reason is you want something

I can't give you and you can't forgive me for that.

It's not my fault that I can't... I don't wanna...

You really think this is about sex,

you arrogant sh*t.

It doesn't occur to you for one single moment,

does it, that not everybody finds you irresistible?

There was a fire, there was dangerous behaviour,

there were children at this party.

People were going to get really badly hurt.

Somebody had to take control.

So, I called the police,

and I suggest you go downstairs and talk to them.

Explain away your party.

And don't worry, I'm already leaving.

You will never see me again.

WILLIAM:
Please, for heaven's sake.

I'm writing a book on English heretics.

If I keep up my current good progress,

I'll be finished in about three years.

Pick something, Oliver.

Choose something to keep.

There may not be another party for a while.

He's really quite cute though,

he kind of gets away with it.

- What does he get away with?

- They're quite nice.

- It's so nice.

- Do you think?

Yeah.

Have you ever been on holiday

with someone after two months?

Who is it?

It's my old boss.

- Are you sure it was him?

- I really don't want to talk about it.

Boys or something.

You know, like a boy band or...

Paul.

Hi.

- How are you?

- Great.

This is my business associate, Ken Tyler.

This is Lizzie.

Lizzie Thomas.

And this is Carol, Carol Drew. She works with me.

Hi, I'm Lizzie's assistant.

Well, they say you never bump into people

in London. People you know on the street.

- Apparently you do.

- I think we've disproved that.

- Are you living here now?

- On and off.

Got to go, Lizzie. We have a meeting, we're late.

- That's him? That was him?

- Don't look back.

Don't stare, Carol.

Come on, just walk, Carol. Just walk.

- It's not the first time you've seen him? Since...

- Yes.

Move this meeting to 5:00. That would help me.

(PHONE RINGING)

I'll answer that.

PAUL:
Hello, Lizzie.

- It's Paul.

- Paul?

What're you doing?

What am I doing? You mean now? I'm working.

I'm round the corner.

Come and meet me for lunch.

Paul, I can't. I have a meeting.

Yes, of course you can, Lizzie.

I've been meaning to ask you to lunch

ever since we met in the street.

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