Friends & Lovers Page #2

Baby.

Keaton, jeez.

Dad took this better than you.

All right, explain that again.

What, that I.U.D.S

aren't 100% reliable?

No, the part about not telling

the father he's the father.

Well, you seem to have heard me.

I heard her.

What you're doing

is totally unfair.

No, it's not.

She told him.

I asked him if he wanted

to have a child with me,

and he said no.

That's not the same thing

as telling him you're

gonna have his child.

It's not his child.

It's their child.

Hey, I don't need

some guy to tell me

to go get an abortion.

So you're happy about the baby?

Ecstatic.

That's great.

[German accent] Sh*t!

4,000 deutsche marks,

and I'm stranded!

[Screaming in German]

Hey, fella!

Ja?

Which way is timber Ridge road?

It's that way... oh!

Bitte, mein auto is

totaled, is dead,

and I'm stranded,

so please give me

a ride into town.

I'll show you the way. Please?

Yeah, sure. Come on, get in.

Danke.

[Shouting in German]

Oh, how serendipitous.

I need ride,

and you need directions.

My name is hans.

Hello, hans. I'm Jon.

This is Carla.

Hello, Jon. Helllooo, Carla.

Oh, timber Ridge road is

just up here a little ways,

a little bit

around the bend and so forth.

[Speaking German]

I'm from Bavaria.

Where from in Deutschland

do you hail, sweet?

From stuttgart.

Stuttgart. so marvelous!

Which way am I going, please?

You just right, left. I'll show

you how to get there, sweetie.

Thanks for the ride.

I was so stranded.

So, my car is so much

troubles lately, a little...

Why don't you sit back a

little there, hans, and relax.

Ok, pal? Thanks.

Be nice. How much fun

can you have

when your car breaks down?

Don't worry.

I'm sure it's only minor.

Oh, my god. She has got

the most beautiful hands.

Which is interesting because my

name is also strangely hans.

I learned from my grandmother

back in schwarzwald...

In baden-baden.

How to read palms

a long time ago.

It's just a little skill

that I still possess.

Really? yes.

Can you read mine?

Yes, I'd be happy to.

Do you want to know the

present or the future?

The future.

Very well. This here

is your lifeline.

Look down here. See how

this arcs around like this?

This is your lifeline.

You have good, long,

long, long life.

Strong stock.

But I see here on the

loveline there's a break,

which means many things.

What you think might happen

is not going to happen,

and perhaps something

else will happen.

You know, I thought for sure

you'd have, like,

a bonehead bavarian

in your immediate future.

Jon, behave. Come on.

I also see here finally...

Oh! funf kinder! 5

little children.

Not with you, hans.

Now sit back and relax.

Jon! what?

He's from Europe.

I mean, you can't expect him

to act like a normal American.

You're not really going for

this bullshit are you?

What?

You know what? Forget it.

Just let's forget it.

I'm gonna pull over.

I'd like you to get out.

Ok there, hans?

I do something wrong?

I want you out of my

f***ing car, ok, bavarian?

Have you gone nuts?

This is unbelievable.

You want this guy coming on to you?

Is that it?

He's not coming

on to me. Are you?

Jon, I wasn't coming on to

her in the slightest, Jon.

Sit back, buddy!

You're crazy.

I'm crazy? You're crazy.

What, do you think this

wacko is cute or something?

Yeah, he's cute.

Ooh!

Cute, my ass!

Hans:
Jon, did I do

something wrong to Jon?

Get out.

Right, thanks.

Kiss mein arschloch!

Ha ha! She likes me better.

He can't handle it.

Hans read her hands.

Now she wants me in her pants.

Swim the deepest ocean

just to see you smile

scale the highest mountain,

touch the sky

For you I cross a desert

walk for miles and miles

just to wipe a tear

from your eye

Baby, I'd do

anything for you...

You know, keat? Hmm?

I've been thinking. Maybe, you

could fix me up with Ian.

Oh, score.

That's not funny.

I'm not joking. I've seen

the way he looks at me.

He looks at everyone that way.

Does not. He does too.

Does not. Hello!

Look! that's lan's father.

How you doing, Mr. wickham?

Hi. Keaton.

Oh, yes. Keaton. Ian's

told me about you.

Now, Richard, ok?

Call me Richard.

No Ian?

He's driving himself.

All right.

This is Lisa,

and this is my sister Jane.

She's pregnant.

Great.

I have heard so much about you.

Oh, thank you. I'm so

glad you could come.

My... oh, you... you are pregnant!

Let's get you inside and

comfortable, all right?

There's a beautiful fireplace.

Oh, yummy.

He doesn't seem

so horrible to me.

Everybody's parents are

great except your own.

Richard:
for you.

Hi, guys!

All:
hey!

Hi, there. I'm Jon.

Welcome. I'm Richard,

and merry Christmas.

Thank you, Richard. Merry

Christmas to you, too.

And you are?

Carla. nice to meet you.

This is my new friend Carla.

Hi, Carla.

Can I interest you

in a glass of wine.

Real cork or a plastic cap?

It's mouton rothschild '75.

1975? wow. Where'd you get that?

Oh, didn't Ian tell you?

Well, I'm in the business.

All right, a toast.

This'll be on me.

To friends and family.

All:
hear, hear.

Or anything resembling.

Keaton!

What? be careful.

That's very sensitive

equipment. Please!

Jon, I don't even know why you're

bringing all this crap, anyway.

We didn't even take

a group photo last year.

Well, we're going to

take one this year.

And something else.

You're gonna want to get in

on this thing about Carla.

I'm telling you, I have a sixth

sense about these matters.

She's at least an inch

and a half, maybe 2.

I promise you, the woman

needs a nipple-ectomy.

God!

What?

I've got an aerobics

instructor inside there.

Ooh.

Yeah.

You're so brave.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, having a child, I

would not know where to start.

Oh, starting,

that's the easy part.

You just gotta lie there

for about 60 seconds,

and then you're

well on your way.

I see.

Could I ask you

something embarrassing?

The answer is yes.

Hemorrhoids and flatulence

will become your friends

during pregnancy.

Ok, well...

Well, I don't understand.

I mean, why...

Why am I such

a magnet for losers?

Well, there's no shortage

of losers in the world.

Ohh.

Do you think Jon is a loser?

No, I'm afraid

I'm not much of a cook.

My wife took care

of most of that.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear

about her passing.

Oh. this house

was her pride and joy.

And Ian, oh, he always

loved this place.

Right, right.

Hello.

Baby, come here.

What?

[Jane whispering]

[Lisa and Jane laugh]

Um, Jon?

Mm-hmm. mm-hmm.

What did he hit you with,

the modeling line?

[All giggle]

Ohh!

Oh, baby.

I guess I fell for it. Ok.

I mean, how do you

tell the difference

between the good

and the bad ones?

Ok, well, I just make a list...

You know, 2 columns,

pros and cons.

Really? mm-hmm.

I just feel their heads,

and if they're not pointed,

I figured I'm on

the right track. Cheese?

Yeah, pass me a log, baby.

Little loggy.

Mm!

I've got it. I've got it.

You loosen this first...

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