Friends & Lovers Page #3

Jon, I got it. I'm loosening it.

Lisa:
right there.

Loosen there... stop it.

Please get off!

Oh, you got a huge point here.

Get off. Stop.

I have a point

because when I was a kid

I fell down and bumped my head.

Really, you did?

Stop it. That's crooked.

It's not your dick, Keaton.

It can't be crooked.

Stop!

Stop! stop!

[Laughing]

Stop it! Stop!

Please stop, stop, stop! Stop.

[Doorbell rings]

And that will be...

Richard:
ahh.

Ian!

Uh, merry Christmas. I'm David.

Merry Christmas. Welcome.

Is Ian with you?

He's not here?

Come on in. I'm Richard.

Hi.

Keaton:
sassy Dave is here.

Lisa:
oh, ducky!

Jon:
uh, this is Carla.

Hi. David. Nice to meet you.

Jane:
hey, baby.

Hey! oh, my god!

Baby is right.

Did you bring the father?

Oh, no. Turkey baster.

Keaton, why didn't you tell me?

I don't want to talk

about it, David.

Jane:
oh, Jesus.

So, uh, where's Ian?

Jon:
he's a slow driver.

Yeah! if I know Ian,

he hasn't even left yet.

I'll call him.

[Video game beeping]

[Telephone rings]

Ian here.

Oh, hi... ahem. Hi, dad.

How you doing?

[Whispering] what do we

do if Ian doesn't show?

Pretend like nothing happened,

at least until we

get in one day of skiing.

Women:
Jon!

Try not to speak.

[Hangs up]

Well, he said

he must've lost track of time,

and he's going to

jump in the car

and drive right over.

Jane:
great. Good.

Perfect.

Look, I really don't think

he's gonna come at this point.

We're sorry, Mr. wickham.

It's all right, but I

just want you to know

that, uh, if you want to stay,

you're more than welcome.

All right? Really,

enjoy yourselves.

He's coming, Richard.

I mean, you heard him.

Well, thank you,

but I don't think so.

God.

Jon:
I don't know

about you guys,

but tomorrow,

I am skiing all day.

I don't know. I think

we should go home.

No! come on.

I know. Let's take the picture.

Everybody on the couch.

Come on, let's go.

Hi. I thought we'd

have something sweet

and then just turn in

so we can get up early.

Sounds good. Good.

Can you read that? I

don't have my glasses.

How much time does that take?

It says about...

30 minutes.

Perfect. all right.

You ready for us?

For what?

Well, every year, we do a

Christmas photo of the group,

and we'd love for you

to join us.

Heh! all right.

All right. Ok.

30 minutes.

Carla, if you can just sit up

a little bit for me, please.

Uncross your legs.

Chin down, 3/4 profile.

Right. ok, now just sit up

more and arch your back.

A little bit more. Harder.

Jon! Jon!

Sorry. just gonna set the timer.

And... here we go.

And I'm coming in here.

Let me just... i need to just

squeeze in right here.

Hold still. Put your arm

around my neck.

All right, wait!

You'll blow the picture.

Hold still, and...

Everybody say, "we love you!"

We love you!

[Explosion]

[All screaming]

Don't push me! Don't push!

Oh, my god!

That was so weird. I don't know!

Wait, wait.

I might know.

Go check!

He shouldn't go in like that.

He shouldn't go in there alone.

I thought it was you.

It sounded like a bomb.

I hope it wasn't me.

I'm not ready.

Are you sure

you want to do this?

It could be gas.

No, I don't think it's gas.

No, I have this sinking feeling.

No, the fuse box

is here somewhere.

Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi.

Here's the fuse box.

Oh, thank you.

There we are.

Huh.

I don't think

we're gonna be having

any Christmas pudding.

All right, look, um...

I will clean this up

tomorrow morning, all right?

Well, obviously...

What the hell was it?

The microwave blew.

No.

You kidding?

I'm freezing. What's in there?

Oh, my god, the

Christmas pudding!

That can...

Go, go! It's freezing!

He put the whole can in there?

I hope he doesn't have any pets.

Oh, my god!

[Laughs] whoa!

This could have taken

someone's eye out.

Jon:
you know what, though?

It's not bad.

Ok, let's clean this up.

Richard said he'd clean

it up in the morning.

Lisa:
we can't

leave it like this.

That's what the man wants.

We're his guests.

If you don't want

to do what he wants,

knock yourselves out.

Oh, men are ridiculous.

Totally.

Ok, boys with the boys

in the first room.

Girls with the girls

in the second.

That's what the man wants,

that's what the man gets.

This really sucks.

It'll be just like camp.

David...

You're not getting any,

and that's final.

Jon.

Yes?

[Chuckles]

Richard:
no, he told his friends

that he was going to drive

up when they drove up.

I don't know why you're making

such a big deal out of this.

Because, sweetheart,

if you're willing to walk away

from your own child

without putting up a fight

or at least trying

to fix things,

honey, what does that say

about our chances

come some cloudy day?

Why don't you

just come up anyway?

Really.

[Laughing]

So what's the group

you've got going?

What, the boys and me?

Chez George,

if you can believe it.

Hmm. on main?

Mm-hmm.

10 years ago,

we all worked there.

It was our first jobs.

Really?

After that,

we just sort of stuck.

Jane:
oh, sh*t.

Are you ok doing this?

I'm pregnant, not paralyzed.

[Passes wind]

Jesus!

[Laughs]

I... I'm sorry.

[Jane laughing]

Mmm.

Jon:
I mean,

what is the big deal

if I stay in the

same bed with Carla?

You think Richard's really

gonna get that freaked out?

Take her to a motel.

I can't take her to a motel.

It'll ruin the whole...

Mood?

Exactly.

Well, then, you're stuck

here with us, Jon.

Jon:
fine.

I just don't want anyone

calling me a liar.

Oh, no, here we go on this

peculiar notion of yours

about the size of a woman's...

Luscious lips.

And based on the

correspondence to the...

Jon:
length of the nipple.

Gentlemen, my advanced

research proves

beyond the shadow of a doubt

that the lips are a

definitive indicator of the...

Both:
erective nipples.

We know. Jon:
Exactly.

Fellas, take a good look

at those lips.

You're sick.

I mean, we're talking

about at least an inch,

probably an inch and a half.

I'm willing to bet 2 inches.

Now...

Who would like

to put their money

where their mouths

wish they were?

Well, maybe just you, Keaton.

Ok, ha ha.

Well, tell me this, Jon.

What exactly is

the scientific formula

for extrapolating the length

of an erect nipple

from the, uh...

Surface area

and girth of the lips.

David, it's so simple.

"L" equals "en" squared.

Lips equals

erect nipples squared.

[Both laughing]

David:
thanks, professor.

Fine, go ahead.

Laugh, laugh.

Would you like me to get...

Photographic proof?

I mean, do you actually

think that I would, like,

retouch these luscious

gifts from god?

Yes, I do.

Ok.

[Snaps fingers] I got it.

The jacuzzi.

So I make a list of everything

I think I want from a guy,

you know, in a relationship,

and then I just make a list

of all the guys I know,

and then I'll see

if anything matches.

And then what?

Then I take 'em home

and f*** 'em.

[Laughs]

Nice.

Yeah, and that works.

It actually works, right?

You find somebody

very good that way.

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