Friends & Lovers Page #4

Well, hey, I found

an impregnator.

Yeah, but not a husband.

No.

Oh.

Well, I know what I want.

I just need to know

what they're really like.

Lisa:
what, the boys?

Well, they're

pretty true to form.

I mean, what you see

is what you get.

No, I mean in bed.

Oh.

Well, now this is

getting interesting.

What? what...

Don't look at me.

I've never slept with them.

Jane:
please, do we buy this?

Come on. I mean, you know a

bunch of guys for 10 years,

and you don't do it with them?

No, I didn't.

Oh, please, that doesn't

sound very natural,

does it?

No. no.

You're not a lesbo, are you?

No! Jesus!

There's nothing wrong with it.

No!

Well, the only thing I know

is that my brother, Keaton,

he's supposed to, um...

Have a long penis.

I mean, a really,

really long penis.

Really?

Ok, now wait.

Now, remember,

a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Arooo.

So is the bellybutton

like one of those

little Turkey popper things?

Like, when it's done, it "poop"!

Ha ha ha.

It's almost done!

Hey.

Listen, you guys don't want

to take a jacuzzi, do you?

Carla:
sure. Yeah.

Well, it's not gonna be

ready for a half-hour.

I mean, you guys still

have to clean up, right?

We're done now.

Yeah.

We just have to get changed.

Ok, I'll, uh...

Tell 'em you're coming.

He's so cute.

I think he's a virgin.

No. are you kidding?

No.

Well, let's get him

to lose the antlers,

and maybe we can

find him someone.

[Laughs]

Ok, I will go to the jacuzzi,

remove the thermometer.

I will look at it.

Then I will say,

"ok, the jacuzzi is ready."

Then you will say,

"ok, everybody strip."

And you think that's gonna work?

I know it's going to work!

Just be sure that Carla is

in the precise position.

They're coming!

What?! uhh!

Oh, sh*t!

[Laughs] are you all right?

It's only 65 degrees.

They don't have to get

in the jacuzzi.

They just have to get naked.

Hi, guys. Hey.

How's the water?

Water's good. Water's good.

Really? sure.

Are you wearing

a bathing suit, Jon?

You don't have to wear a

bathing suit in the jacuzzi.

Why not?

Well, because you're

supposed to go...

Au naturel.

Jane:
yeah, well,

you can count me out.

I can't go in.

I'll just dip my toes.

Carla:
so...

Everybody's getting naked?

Yup.

Yup.

Yup.

Ok.

Come here. Come here.

[Whispering] I didn't

agree to this.

Ok, but, uh...

You guys go first.

No offense. Yeah.

Strip.

Ok. no problem.

Strip.

Strip.

Get ready.

Oh, my god! Holy sh*t!

Lisa:
it's f***ing gargantuan!

I told you. [Lisa screams]

It's huge! Aah!

Jon:
damn it!

[Door closes] Keaton!

What?

You scared 'em away!

It was your idea, Jon.

[All laughing]

Lisa:
I was never so

frightened in my entire life.

That would give any women

second thoughts, huh?

Jesus!

What would you

even do with that?

Don't ask me. I'm his sister.

Oh, are you ok?

No, it's just the baby kicked.

Can I feel?

Yeah, sure. Here. Come here.

Jane:
ah, you feel that?

Carla:
no. Here.

Wait.

God, I can't hear it, either.

Her. It's a she.

Oh, you had an amnio?

No.

There's no wienie

on the ultrasound.

Oh, all right!

Carla:
yeah, and with those

penises in your family,

you'd definitely see it.

You'd probably just give

birth to one large penis.

There wouldn't be much room

in there for anything else.

Lisa:
definitely.

It would be the whole baby.

Just a penis.

Oh, yeah! [Laughs]

Do not fear, gentlemen.

Victory is not lost.

Oh, will you quit?

What we need is

a really good plan "b."

F*** plan "b."

Ok, odd man gets the cot.

Even man bunks up.

There's one for you.

One for you. On 3.

1, 2, 3, flip.

Heads. heads.

Tails! ha ha!

Sh*t.

You should know, Jon,

that I like to sleep...

Au naturel.

[David laughs]

Jon:
jerk.

[Sighs]

Can't believe

my sister's pregnant.

Oh, uncle Keaton.

You know, Keaton,

I've been wondering,

if I have sex

with a pregnant woman,

is that child abuse?

That depends on the size

of your penis, Jon.

You should be all right.

Hmm, exactly.

Mm-hmm.

[Sniffs]

You know, Jane...

Mm-hmm?

I've been meaning

to ask you a question.

Shoot.

When you're...

You know...

Pregnant?

Right.

Can you still...

You know?

Have sex?

Exactly.

Well, you can, but, um...

I prefer to just give

a really good blow job.

Night.

[Door creaking]

[Whispering] Carla.

What?

Are you sleeping?

[Chuckles] do I sound asleep?

I need a place to sleep.

You have a place to sleep.

What? uhh!

Carla!

Jon, blow this.

Stop it!

Attack!

[Door opens]

[Door closes]

Ian?

[Knocks on door]

Ian?

[Knocks]

Ian?

Ian...

I'm so glad you made it.

[Drowsy] huh? I'm sleeping.

We'll talk in the morning.

Ok.

Ian...

I just want you to know

how delighted I am

that you've come.

Ok, look, I... I have

something to say to you,

and if you will just let me

say it without interrupting,

I think I can get through it.

I realized when

I didn't hear from you

after your mother died...

Well, I tried to think back

to when it was

that we last talked,

and I realized that we...

Well, that your mother

always talked for us,

and that we...

We never really talked.

I realize I was working,

but, see, when you own

your own business, you...

You get caught up in

the day-to-day operations,

and you just... you start

putting other things second.

See, my generation

thought that working

was the best way to take care

of our families.

I've thought about that.

Then I look at

that photograph of you

that I always keep

on my desk, and...

It's 20 years old, and I just...

I just... I don't know,

how did I not notice

the time slip by?

So what I would

like to do if I can

is I would like to try to

make it up to you somehow,

or... or we can just start again.

'Cause you're my son,

and I'm your father.

I mean, if... if...

If you want to.

So that's what

I wanted to tell you...

That I love you.

Oh, my son. My beautiful son.

What... Jon! whoa!

Why did you let me

go on and on like that?

I just... and just

make a fool out of myself?

Mr. wickham, please,

you didn't make a fool

out of yourself.

Look, I'm sorry...

But that's

the most beautiful thing

I've ever heard anyone ever say.

Oh, Jon. Please, just...

Jon:
Mr. wickham?

Look, I'm very sorry,

but when Ian didn't show up,

I didn't think that

anybody would mind if I...

If I slept there.

Well, it's time to get

up anyway, isn't it?

You'll want to get

an early start back.

[Sighs]

Ian? oh ho ho!

Oh, great, here you are

on the goddamn couch!

Ah!

What the hell was I thinking?

Ian, buddy!

Let me tell you,

your dad is great!

I'm leaving.

Ian?

Keaton:
Jon, where's he going?

Oh, he's leaving.

David:
oh, no, he's not!

Oh, sh*t! He's leaving!

Ian!

Ian, come back here!

Hey! breakfast!

Everybody up!

I broke the pan.

I'm cooking something else.

Richard:
come on! Everybody up!

Oh, sh*t. He's cooking again.

Ian, where are you going?

Oh, a little place

called "not here."

Ian?

What?!

Would you please ask this woman

to stop harassing me?

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