Friends With Benefits Page #11

is so advanced.

Completely computerized.

- It's like playing a video game.

- Exactly.

God. How long have we been waiting here?

It's ridiculous.

I'll be right back, okay?

Excuse me. We've been waiting a while.

- Harper.

- Yeah, I got you. I got you.

I have to seat people

in the order they came.

I totally understand that,

but I'm with my dad

- and he's not in the best shape.

- I'm sorry.

Is there no way we could,

like, squeeze a table?

No, I gotta go by the list. Sorry.

Dad?

Dad?

Sh*t. Dad?

You gonna join me?

Absolutely.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm sorry, you cannot do this.

Could I get a steak, medium, please?

- Sir, this is the Daily Grill.

- Make that two.

Dede? Dede!

Dad.

Dad.

Who is Dede?

Jesus. She's just a girl

that I met in the Navy.

Was...

She was the love of my life.

Okay?

Why didn't you tell me about her before?

This is not something

you discuss with your children.

And besides, I have you and Annie.

I have no regrets.

So tell me now.

She was the love of my life.

And I was too stupid to realize it,

and I lost her because of something

so dumb I don't even remember.

And I never really got over her.

And I think that may be

one of the reasons your mom left.

You know, my friends used to say that

when Dede and I looked at each other,

it was electric.

And I let her go.

I just let her go.

Because I was too damn proud

to tell her howl really felt about her.

I'll tell you something that I wish

I knew when I was your age.

And I know you've heard

a million times, "life is short."

But let me tell you something,

what this is teaching me

is that life is goddamn short

and you can't waste a minute of it.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

The girl I brought home to LA, Jamie?

- Yeah, what's going on with her?

- I think I messed it up.

- Fix it.

- She won't talk to me.

Maybe she'll listen. There's always a way.

If you think there's even a chance

that she could be it, you fix it.

Did Annie put you up to this?

Who's Annie?

I'm kidding.

What, I can't joke about this?

- Jesus Christ, Dad.

- I don't know what else to do.

Let's go.

You don't want to finish your steak?

We're eating in the goddamn airport.

I can leave the steak. Come on.

Yeah, hey, this is Dylan Harper from GQ.

We meta few weeks ago at the...

Right. Hey, can I ask you a huge favor?

- I am so sorry, sir.

- It's my fault.

- You just scared me.

- No, no. My fault. You all right?

- Yeah, I'm good.

- Here, let me help you with that.

- Thanks, man. You're really nice.

- All right. Hey, safe travels.

- All right, thanks, man.

- Okay, thank you.

You gotta be f***ing kidding me.

All right, let's dance, Clowny Brown.

- What's your problem with me?

- I saw you at that bar with Jamie.

How could such an awesome girl

be with this over this?

I've been trying to take that little monkey

to pound-town for years.

- I'll tell her you say hello.

- What?

You missed a little. There you go.

Dylan! I got a cab. Come on.

I ever run into you again,

I'll crush your earlobes

and make soup stock out of them.

- You have a vivid imagination.

- I do!

- I'm gonna get in the cab now.

- I'm gonna go make soup!

- What's the matter with her?

- I don't know.

God! I thought LA was bad.

This traffic is terrible.

Is there another way into the city?

I owe you big time, Tommy.

You'll make it up to me.

Actually, I was heading into town anyway.

Tonight's the Butterfly Ball.

Great place to pick up dudes.

- You okay, Dad?

- Are you kidding?

Couldn't get any better, buddy.

Nice.

Yeah. Hi, this is Dylan. We met at...

Right. Can I ask you a huge favor?

My number. Here's the remote.

My friend Dave from across the hall, his

oven broke, so he'll be using the kitchen.

Your friend Dave is here using the kitchen

or watching me?

Go.

- Holy...

- What?

"How to wear white pants to a cookout."

Did you scoop the Times on this?

I smell Pulitzer.

All right, all right.

Just say hello to her for me, will you?

See you, Dad.

Thanks, man.

Hi, Dave from across the hall.

Hi, Mr. Harper. How are you?

And now we know why you're here.

Mom, I'm over by the Lexington exit.

Where are you?

I'm standing right by the guy in the tie.

- There are a million guys in ties.

- So look for the guy I'm standing next to.

You never do what you say you're gonna do.

When am I gonna learn?

Just hang on, baby.

What?

I don't think I'm gonna be able

to make it after al/.

Something came up. Let's meet tomorrow.

I'll be on the stairs.

Right across from you.

Oh, my God.

Have a great night, baby.

What is this?

It's Closing Time, by the band Semisonic!

It's not Third Eye Blind.

Can you believe that?

No, no, no. Not the song. This.

You said you wanted your life

to be like a movie.

Sorry I had to use the real Grand Central

instead of the fake one.

Listen, Jamie, I'm...

I'm having trouble hearing you!

Yeah, I didn't really think this through.

I guess in the movies

the guy pours his heart out

and they put the music in later.

What?

I messed up.

I was scared.

Look at what happened

with my mom and my dad.

Of course I was scared.

So I ruined it.

Everything that happens in the day,

all I can think to myself is,

"I can't wait to tell Jamie about this."

When I see someone cursing,

all I picture is you blinking.

And when I hear a kid's been cured of

cancer, I pray it's not by that douchebag,

tree-hugging f***ing doctor

who ran out on you.

I mean, cancer being cured is awesome,

but, you know, I wish someone else did it.

Come on.

Hey, I miss you.

Yeah, I miss you, too.

But you're not wrong, I am damaged.

So am I. Who isn't?

That's what makes us so awesome.

- And our tattoos.

- Yeah.

- No, no, no.

- Shut up. It's not what you think.

Jamie, will you be my best friend again?

- That is so lame.

- I know.

That's some Prince Charming sh*t,

though, right?

- Get up.

- Okay.

Look, I can live without

ever having sex with you again.

It'd be really hard.

Hey, I want my best friend back,

because I'm in love with her.

- Under one condition.

- Anything.

Kiss me.

- In public? In front of all these people?

- I did not ask you to...

You can all go home now.

Okay. So...

- What do we do now?

- Have our first date.

Okay.

Oh, my God!

Did you get a horse and carriage?

Yeah, that's not for you.

Oh, thank God.

Horses actually scare the sh*t out of me.

- Really?

- Yeah.

So, where are you from?

- Outside of Philly, actually.

- Interesting.

- I'm from LA, just moved to New York.

- Interesting. Didn't really ask, but go on.

What? I'm excited, I'm

on a first date. So...

This isn't weird at all.

- We're okay.

- Yeah. Thank you.

So...

Yeah, f*** it.

Roll credits, roll credits, roll credits.

And here come the outtakes.

Because if the actors had

a good time making it, it must be good.

You bet your ass, Jason.

Oh, my God, I just called him Jason.

Look, the crew's laughing.

They made me do it! They made me do it.

It's my favorite part.

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