Friends With Benefits Page #4

- And emotions.

- And guilt.

Guilt.

- It's women's fault.

- What?

You heard me. "Hold me.

Let's spend the rest of our lives together."

Oh, please, you are no better.

"Oh, yeah, baby, come on, now.

Say my name. Yeah..."

"I'm done. How was I?"

Who have you been with?

Why can't it not be like that?

It's a physical act. Like playing tennis.

Two people should be able to have sex

like they're playing tennis.

Yeah, I mean, no one wants to

go away for the weekend

after they play tennis.

It's just a game.

You shake hands, get on with your sh*t.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Do you want more beer?

Okay.

- Jamie!

- Yeah?

- Let's play tennis.

- What?

Let's have sex like we're playing tennis.

Get the hell out of here.

Don't laugh. This could be great.

This could take all the

weirdness out of it.

Well, we talked about this.

I don't like you like that.

I don't like you like that either.

That's why it's perfect.

I don't even know if I find you attractive.

That's cute.

Well, I do have a thing for jerks.

Okay, well, do you even find me attractive?

- That's cute.

- No, no, no.

Before you got to know

my awesome personality.

Strictly physical.

First time you saw me.

- This is just two people talking?

- Yeah.

Two girls over drinks at Bennigan's. Go.

I liked your eyes. I didn't think

I'd ever seen such big, beautiful eyes.

Your lips. Yeah.

I thought you might be a good kisser.

I am.

- Your breasts.

- What about them?

- They intrigued me.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- I think they're so tiny.

- They're still breasts.

- Thanks.

- I liked your hands.

- Mouth.

- Butt.

- Voice.

- Chest.

- Eyes.

- You said that.

- I meant it.

You swear you don't want anything more

from me other than sex?

You swear you don't want anything

more from me?

I know how you girls get.

Tick-took, tick-took.

Stop it.

- What are you doing?

- I'm pulling up my Bible app.

- You have a Bible app?

- Yes. I am a good girl.

- Hand on the iPad.

- Okay.

Wait, no.

Why can't they figure this out?

No... This thing thinks

I'm you and you're me.

Keep your hand still. I'll move the iPad.

- It's actually making me dizzy.

- Hold on.

There we go.

No relationship.

No emotions.

Just sex.

Whatever happens, we stay friends.

- Swear.

- Swear.

Okay.

So I guess we should just start.

Okay.

I'll serve.

That's really...

That's enough of the tennis.

Let's go to the bedroom.

What's wrong with the couch?

It's less emotional.

The bedroom has better light.

And since we're just friends,

I don't have to be insecure about my body.

Come on, okay? You're beautiful.

You have nothing to be insecure about.

No, you see,

that is way too emotionally supportive

and you need to just lock that down.

- Your ass is a little bony.

- Much better.

My nipples are sensitive,

I don't like dirty talk,

and had I known this was gonna happen,

I would have shaved my legs this morning.

My chin is ticklish,

I sneeze sometimes after I come,

and if I'd have known

this was gonna happen,

I wouldn't have shaved

my legs this morning.

Okie-dokie.

I keep my socks on. Intimacy issues.

Great, 'cause feet gross me out.

Daddy issues.

Great.

I can work with that.

Should be fine.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Should we stop? We could just go for a run.

I don't know, are we

getting too old for this?

- Sex?

- No, casual sex.

It just, I don't know,

feels a little collegey.

- I could sing some Third Eye Blind.

- Okay.

- That's not Third Eye Blind.

- I'm pretty sure that's Third Eye Blind.

Nope.

- What's wrong?

- We're just doing this once.

- I totally agree.

- Okay.

- Great.

- Great.

Little faster.

- More circular.

- Watch my chin.

- Touch my ears.

- Okay.

Kiss my neck.

- Say my name.

- Dylan Francis Harper Jr.

Not my full name.

Sorry, I had to fill out

a lot of your paperwork.

- Stop talking.

- Okay.

Oh, my God, you're really...

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I,

J, K, L, M, N, O, P...

- Dylan, I...

- Relax.

Just a friend going down on another friend.

Oh, yeah, baby. Tornado.

What, what?

What are you trying to do?

Dig your way to China?

- I'm good at this.

- Says who?

Every girl I've been with.

Well, they're either lying

or their vaginas are made out of burlap.

So, relax. You're not a lizard.

- Okay, fine.

- Okay, fine.

- A little to the right.

- Okay.

- A little bit more to the left.

- Roger that.

- Now go down.

- Here we go.

- A little more... Whoa, too far!

- Sorry.

- What's wrong?

- Nothing!

When women start to scream,

it could be misconstrued.

Just keep going!

Yeah, you know it.

Well, let me tell you how I like it.

See, most girls think

you should start off soft,

but if you just get in,

really go for it, ..

Yeah, you know it.

- Let's go with Obama.

- No, no, no, no!

It's too easy, too predictable.

Go with Shaun.

He's stylish, transcendent of sport,

has an ass like a kumquat.

- I hear he's kind of a jerk.

- No, he's not.

You're just threatened by him

because he's the greatest snow

sport athlete in the universe

and he gets more squirrel than an oak tree.

Hey, Dylan?

Jamie Rellis is in the lobby for you.

Okay, thanks.

Let's hit this after lunch. Okay, guys?

Nobody wants to f*** Obama, brah.

He's got ears like an elephant.

That's not the part of

an elephant you want.

- Hi!

- Hi.

Sorry to just show up like this.

No, no, no, it's fine.

So...

- Wanna take a walk?

- Love to.

Great. Okay.

Okay, so about what happened, I...

- It was crazy and we shouldn't have done it.

- Exactly. No, no, exactly.

I mean, it is so not me.

I totally agree. Let's forget it happened.

Great. I mean, look,

I've had one-night stands.

We both have had one-night stands,

none of which we're proud of, but...

Really?

Look, to think that you and I

could just have sex

and without it compromising anything

was just so...

- Misguided.

- Exactly.

I was gonna call you this morning.

But you didn't.

But I didn't.

And you see, it's already

coming between us and I really...

I just don't want it to.

It's not going to.

Look, I know that I act all tough

and I talk all tough, but really...

It's just a front to protect yourself

from your own vulnerability.

What are you, my f***ing therapist now?

No, I'm a friend. Who knows that

every time you curse, you blink.

- Like your body's rejecting the word.

- It does not.

- F*** you.

- Blinked.

- No, I didn't f***ing blink.

- Blinked again.

- Sh*t.

- Ah, didn't blink.

"Sh*t" you're okay with.

- It was stupid.

- Yes.

- We're friends, let's stay friends.

- Yes. Yes, this, I don't wanna lose this.

Me neither.

- Great.

- Fantastic.

Portrait for the lovely couple?

- What the hell are we doing?

- I don't know.

- Rub my hair.

- Kiss my neck.

- Watch my nipple.

- All right, all right.

- I didn't know you had a tattoo.

- Yeah.

Why didn't I notice that before?

Because we were drunk.

- Was it your dog?

- No. Never had one.

But everyone else did.

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