Friends With Benefits Page #5

And I thought having a dog

meant you had a normal family,

which at 17 I desperately wanted.

So as a sign of rebellion you got a tattoo

of the most conventional thing

you could think of.

It was super awesome back then.

- Check it.

- Okay.

- A lightning bolt?

- Eighteen.

- Wanted superpowers.

- Yeah.

I was a little into Harry Potter back then.

- Were you also gay back then?

- Harry Potter doesn't make you gay!

- Okay.

- Are you sure about this?

- Are you?

- No.

Me neither.

- How was your day?

- It was okay.

- I had a turkey sandwich for lunch.

- How was that?

It wasn't that good. How was your day?

Still trying to figure out that

subway system. It is tricky.

And it's out of here!

- My butt.

- What?

- Oh, my butt.

- Really?

No, I mean my butt, it's cramping.

Can you grab a pillow?

Okay, yeah, yeah.

- So, no butt?

- No.

- Really? Already?

- Just kidding.

- Do you like this position?

- Yeah, it's all right.

I gotta be honest, I feel

a little emasculated.

A naked girl is lying on top of you

and you feel emasculated?

- Little bit.

- You do know what that word means, right?

Yes, I know what it means, and I feel it.

Okay, all right, you big baby.

- Chinese fire drill.

- Okay. Go!

Okay.

- Do you feel manly now?

- I do.

Okay. Put it in.

That's not funny.

- It's kind of funny.

- It's kind of funny.

- Hold on.

- What's wrong?

I have to go to the bathroom.

- What? Now?

- Yes, now. I had a lot of watermelon.

What's going on in there?

Do you know how hard it is

to pee with a hard-on?

No, actually.

It's like two lanes of traffic

merging into one. It takes time.

- Are you pooping?

- No.

- Why are you sitting down?

- It's easier to control.

- You want a mess in here?

- No. No, no. Sorry.

Yeah.

Yup...

What? Did I leak?

Did you wash your hands?

Oh, come on, dude.

I know we're just friends,

but I'm still a lady.

Now get back in there, wash your hands

and then bring that fine ass back here.

If you keep talking to me like that,

I'm not gonna come back.

- My hammies are killing me.

- Have a banana, they're in the fridge.

Why would you keep bananas in the fridge?

- It dries them out.

- It doesn't. They have a peel.

It's not armor. Air still gets in.

Do you want a banana or not?

Not if they're dry. I'm not an animal.

At least I have food in the house.

All you have at home is drinkable yogurt.

I like to drink my yogurt.

It's a timesaver.

Well, then you think you could use

that time to shave your stubble.

Your whiskers are like knives.

Now, see, if you were my girlfriend,

I couldn't tell you to shut up right now.

And because you're just my buddy,

I can tell you

that if you don't start shaving up here,

I'm gonna stop shaving down there.

Hey, hey. Hey...

- Mom!

- "Mom"?

My eyes are covered.

I don't know what you're doing.

I can't see you putting on

your black underpants.

Jamie, baby, I missed you.

On, baby.

Did your b*obs get bigger?

Mom, I'm over here.

Hey, baby. Oh, no, they didn't.

- What are you doing here?

- Victor turned out to be a total Lombard.

L-O-M-B-A-R-D.

"Lots Of Money But A Real Dullard."

Victor, her fianc.

Ex-fianc.

- What happened?

- Nothing. He was just blah.

I mean, nice, but it was

like talking to dirt.

I woke up one day and I said, "Lorna..."

I'm Lorna.

- Dylan.

- I said, "Lorna, this is not your bliss."

- "Just because you're 39..."

- Forty-eight.

"...It doesn't mean you have to settle.

He's not an insurance claim."

So I caught the first plane off the island.

- Cleveland's not an island.

- Oh, baby, it is.

Anyway, here I am. It's so good to see you.

You never told me you had a hot boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend, Mom.

- That's right, we're just friends.

- I love it.

It's like the '70s in here.

That was a better time. Just sex.

A little grass, a little glue...

Not during pregnancy.

Well, not during the final trimester.

But no complications. It's great!

Okay, well, that's technically, I guess,

what this is.

That's exactly what this is.

So my daughter is just your slampiece?

No, no. "Slampiece"?

I'm just kidding. Slam away.

Have fun. I think this is great.

The only thing is, it

takes you off the market.

But what the hell.

The whole reason you go to the market

is to buy the produce,

which you already got.

It's so good to see you, baby.

I'm only gonna be here a few weeks.

I'm starving. You got any gin?

It's in the kitchen.

You gotta go.

- Is she wearing Axe body spray?

- I don't know. Come on.

Bananas in the refrigerator?

What are you, Puerto Rican?

- That is terrible, Mother.

- Just joking. Your dad was Puerto Rican.

What? You said that he was Greek.

- Potato, potato...

- Get your shoes.

- Okay. All right.

- Well, not... Just go, just go.

I'll just put these on on the bike?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

It was nice to have met you...

- Hey.

- And your pants are coming off.

Oh, my... Mom! Mom, please!

Back, back!

That's what I'm talking about!

We're kicking every gay ass out here!

I don't say that pejoratively,

I say it hopefully.

Hold it. Any of you gay?

- Not even you?

- Come on, man.

Come talk to me after.

Give me five minutes of your time.

I might be able to let you see some reason.

Look at you in the house!

Come on, baby!

I'm supposed to meet up with Jamie.

Who's that, that headhunter?

What, you guys going out now?

No, no, no, we're just friends.

We're messing around a little bit.

- What do you mean?

- Sleeping together.

But it's just sex.

That never works, bro.

She's a girl. Sex always means more

to them even if they don't admit it.

Jamie's different.

Does she have a penis

where most girls have a vagina?

- No penis.

- Then she's no different.

What do you know about women, anyway?

Dude, I've turned down more tail

than you'll ever have.

Yeah, bro. You're gay.

But the offers still keep rolling

in, naturally. Look at me.

And, hey, I love women. They're beautiful,

majestic, mysterious, mesmerizing creatures.

Smart, empathetic.

Far superior to men in every way.

And if I had a choice,

I would be with women to my dying day.

But me likes cock so I'm

strict-aly dick-aly.

So it's always just about sex, then?

No. I've been in love.

I went down that rabbit hole.

You know what I discovered?

It's not who you want to spend

Friday night with,

it's who you want to spend

all day Saturday with.

Feel me, Felix?

Yeah, but then it's every Saturday

for the rest of your life.

It's okay, you don't get it.

It's no big deal. But you will.

One day, you'll meet someone

and it'll literally take your breath away.

Like you can't breathe.

Like no oxygen to the lungs.

- Like a fish...

- Yeah, I get it, Tommy.

Yeah, you don't.

Nice work on that new online site,

by the way.

It was Times Roman.

Times Roman. Inspired. I'm out.

You have a boat?

I live in Jersey.

And I ain't taking no ferry.

Unless it's out to dinner and a show.

- Hey.

- Yeah.

You and that Dylan? Way to go.

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