Friends with Kids Page #2

but better them than me.

I got a lot of good years left.

Are we late enough? Should we circle?

Thirty-five minutes?

I think we're late enough.

- Hey!

- Happy Birthday.

We're not quite there yet.

Cole, honey, can you just...

Please, for a moment!

Alex, can you come out here

for a second, please?

I'm in the bathroom!

Really? Well, Jule and Jase are here,

so why don't you come out!

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Alex.

You know what,

can you guys watch him for a second?

- Yeah, of course.

- We brought some wine, if you...

Hey, Cole.

- I'm gonna open one of these.

- Do that.

Hey, Cole. What's up, buddy?

Hey, Cole, you know what?

We brought you something.

Oh, my goodness, you're huge!

And I like you tremendously!

I missed you so much.

Oh, my goodness! How you doing?

Hey!

- Hey, guys.

- Hey.

- How you doing?

- How's it going, man?

- Happy birthday, little fella.

- Thanks, haven't seen you in a while.

Alex!

I could use a little help,

what do you think, huh?

- Maybe pick up a little bit?

- I was in the bathroom.

Yeah, we know. Do you have to make it

a 45-minute production

when we're having guests over? Jesus!

- I was reading an article...

- Maybe you could shut the door.

It's f***ing toxic in here.

I was airing it out!

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry!

- Oh, sweetie, no. Please.

- I got it, it's fine.

Hon, did we get Jase a gift?

Jase, we forgot.

We're gonna get it this weekend, sorry!

- Oh, sh*t, we're gonna get something.

- It's fine.

- That's Ben and Miss.

- Yeah, we haven't seen them.

Ben and Missy are here.

- You look good.

- Thanks, you, too.

- I mean, you're... Did you...

- I lost weight.

- It's f***ing sweet of you to even notice.

- You did. You look good.

- Really?

- Alex!

Could you get the f***ing door?

What are you, deaf?

Did the... Did the bell ring?

Are you f***ing kidding me today?

You want me to get it?

I'll get it, I'm doing everything else.

- I might have to murder him.

- Do you want me to put the sauce on?

- Hey, man.

- Hey! Oh...

Yep. All day.

I apologize for the 50 times

he rang the doorbell.

- Hey.

- Hey, how we doing?

- Hey, Troy.

- Hello.

- Hey. Hi, guys.

- Hi.

- Happy birthday.

- Thanks.

Happy birthday.

I'm sorry. I feel like an a**hole,

apparently I forgot to pick up your gift.

Which was already wrapped and paid for

and two blocks from his office...

- I'll get it to you tomorrow.

...still couldn't find the time to pick it up.

It's a tie. You can return it.

It's okay, but thanks.

Wait, so who was this guy again?

Oh, my God,

he was a set-up through my boss.

I got there, he was 61.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

Can I put him in with Katie? Do you mind?

Oh, yeah, the monitor's right there.

Go ahead.

He's fine.

- My God, he's fine. He'll be fine.

- I'll put him in there. He'll fall asleep.

He's hungry.

That's his hungry cry. Just go feed him.

Why don't you feed him?

I brought the bottle,

why don't you feed him for once?

Fine, I'll feed him!

It's not like it's that big a deal.

She acts like I raped her to have a kid.

So, Jase, how's work?

Oh, fine.

- We're doing the Bud Super Bowl spots.

- Excuse me.

- Pretty cool.

- That is cool.

And that's my cue.

My turn, clearly...

- You need help, sweetie?

- No, no, I'm all right.

How's Callie?

Oh, we... We broke up.

- No...

- Like, four months ago.

Oh...

- Can we get another?

- Thank you.

- Jesus Christ.

- That was unbelievable.

- Seriously, though...

- God!

We don't know those people.

Those people are mean, and angry, and...

Mean.

- When did that happen?

- I don't know.

I don't know, when they had kids?

- Come on, that doesn't make you mean.

- Maybe it does.

Can we get a couple more?

No, come on, it can't be that.

It can't be just that.

- I mean, it's hard, yeah.

It's got to be hard. - Sure.

You know, you go through pregnancy

and it's stressful

and you're fat and cranky, and I get that.

Of course.

But, I'm sorry,

that's what you signed on for.

- Yes, you did.

- They both knew going in

that it was going to be shitty

for nine or ten months.

I know, right.

But, then, you get a great kid at the end.

Like Cole.

I know. The having the kid

part's exciting and great.

Miracle of life, people bring gifts.

You got visitors, the in-laws,

everyone's around,

people bake things and knit little hats...

Yeah,

but then after all the hoopla,

nobody sleeps for what, like a year?

Yeah, a year or two.

Right.

That'll make you mean.

You know

what the hardest part is to me, though?

The part I just can't wrap my brain around?

The loosening of the vagina

and the worry that

your guy'll never like f***ing you again

because it's cavernous now, and not...

Sorry, go ahead.

No, the hardest part,

and everyone says this,

is that suddenly you love this creature,

I mean, this stranger, right?

Far and above the person you chose

to spend the rest of your life with.

The person you chose on the planet

over absolutely everyone else to be with.

But what's the alternative,

just not like your kid that much?

Talk about him behind his back

and leave him out of things?

Tell him he's a douchebag?

No, this is my point, the setup is flawed.

I mean, think about it.

At my age, even if I meet my guy,

I mean, the guy I've been waiting for

my whole life, I'll have, like, what?

Six months to a year of awesome

before we're plunged into babydom

and then it doesn't get good again

for like five years?

Yeah, if you survive it.

You see? I don't know how you get to be

the most important person to your person

and not miss out on having a kid.

Unless you marry a divorced guy with kids.

Yeah, but then you miss out on birth

and you're second best to the kids.

So what are you saying?

You want to be already divorced, with a kid,

so you can meet the man of your dreams?

Actually, divorced people

have it kind of great.

They get all the toxic unsexy stuff

out of the way with the first person,

and then when they meet the person

they really want to be with,

they only have to deal with the kid

half the time.

Right, built-in child care.

Right, they get all kinds of time together

when the kid's with the ex,

then they get QT with the kid

because it's special.

- Right. It's like the perfect setup.

- Or you could just not have kids.

- Oh, I want them so much, don't you?

- Are you kidding? Of course, I do.

- I'm gonna have a kid no matter what.

- Well, me, too. At least one.

Thanks.

- Why don't we just do it?

- Do what?

- Have a kid. Get it over with.

- What?

We love each other, we trust each other,

we're responsible, gainfully employed,

and totally not

attracted to each other physically.

Yeah, that'd be perfect, beat the system.

Right. We have the kid,

share all the responsibility,

and just skip over the whole

marriage and divorce nightmare.

I mean, you don't really have

a lot of time to waste, doll.

Get to it, pop one out,

lose the weight quickly,

then start looking for your guy.

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