Friends with Kids Page #3

I can't really tell if

you're kidding right now.

Yes?

- What if I wasn't?

- What?

- Kidding.

- Really?

Just what if?

Just talk it through for a sec,

pro and con it.

Yeah, just spitball.

I never got that expression,

how do you go from fourth grade, hitting

people in the neck with small pieces of...

- Off topic.

- Sorry.

Well, what would we tell our future people?

Easy. We dated casually once or twice,

got pregnant,

you wanted to keep the kid

'cause you're old.

Thanks.

I had no choice, so we decided

to split custody and remain friends.

That makes me the villain.

Okay, we both wanted a kid

but not each other,

so split custody and remained friends.

Better.

What if I meet my guy while I'm pregnant?

Then you say you're not sure whose it is.

You've been dating casually.

- Then I'm a slut.

- Okay, all right.

Well, then, you told the guy

whom you only slept with once, me,

and I wasn't into it,

but you were and it's your body, so...

You know what?

I'm not gonna find my guy till post-baby,

I need to drink on dates.

- Really?

- Really, really.

- Really, really.

- Okay, look me in the eye...

Oh, boy.

And tell me that you will be 100%

committed to this, half the time.

I will be 100% committed to this,

half the time, maybe even more.

Cheers.

Puts hair on your chest.

Sh*t, what do we tell our friends?

Oh, don't worry about it.

I'm good on my feet.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

Yes.

It's our dream, we've always wanted

you guys to get together!

- Oh, no...

- No, we're not going to get together.

They're not getting together.

They're just gonna f*** one time

and have a kid.

- Right?

- Yeah, pretty much.

- Why do you have to call it "f***ing," man?

- Oh, do we have to do this?

Jule and Jase are trying

to tell us something.

- Look, we really wanna have a kid.

- Yeah.

We just don't want to subject that kid

to our tragic marriage.

Our tragic marriage?

- No, our tragic marriage.

- The one we would have.

- Us.

- I mean, see,

we don't want to fall into the trap

that most of our friends have...

We want to do it in a way

that doesn't kill the romance and...

Right.

The thing is, I'm old. Is the thing.

I get it.

You want to have a kid, but without

all the sh*t that comes with marriage.

- Right. Yes.

- Yes.

Totally makes sense to me.

You are good on your feet.

Your pitches must go great.

You're welcome.

Oh, my God, what about our parents?

Well, your mom will cry,

and my dad will write a check.

Right.

- You don't think she's

really upset, do you? - No.

- Why are you so upset?

- Why?

- Why? Because it's an affront to us.

- To us? Like specifically to us?

To all normal people

who struggle and make sacrifices

and make commitments to make

a relationship work, yes, it's insulting.

To us, specifically and in general.

- Wow. Okay, Judge Judy.

- Judge...

You don't think it's insulting

to our way of life?

Our way of...

What?

We're not Mormons or old-timey people.

We don't exactly have a way of life, babe.

- You know what I mean.

- It's a brave new world, honey.

There are test-tube babies

and surrogate babies

and Jon & Kate Plus 8.

I don't think that two friends

having a kid together

because it might be her last chance

is the worst thing that I ever heard.

Two seconds, we'll be right back.

Two seconds.

Oh, my God, that's the worst idea

I've ever heard.

Oh, my God. What do we do?

What do we say?

I don't know. Nothing.

I mean, we can't say anything, right?

We'll be right there, you guys!

This is so exciting!

- They're so f***ed.

- So f***ed.

- They seem totally on board. Yes.

- They're on board.

I mean, I get the ticking

clock thing for Julie,

but why do you think

Jason wants to do this?

I know, I didn't even think

he wanted to have kids,

but I know she wanted

to have kids eventually, but...

Right.

- You think he feels sorry for her?

- What? No.

No, what, I mean, no.

- Not just that.

- You think he feels sorry for her.

Okay, maybe partly he feels sorry for her.

Is that so bad?

I mean, he's got all the time in the world,

but this might be it for her.

What? "lt" for her?

- Oh, no...

- That is so f***ing insulting!

- Oh, now I'm insulting?

- Yes!

She's insulting, I'm insulting,

it's a terrible day for you.

You're saying it's it for her.

I mean, she's not dying.

Okay, well, you set her up with a guy,

what, four years ago?

- Who was in prison!

- God!

I'm just saying, who do we know?

Who do we know, good guys,

who are available and ready to commit

in their late thirties?

I don't have anyone for her.

It's not that hard.

I mean, that's ridiculous.

So we find her somebody younger,

like your age.

Well that's not gonna happen.

What do you mean?

That's happening right now.

With us? That's different.

- That's unfair.

- Why?

Because, hon, when we met,

you were in your twenties.

- So?

- So, 28, 22, that's hot.

Are you seriously telling me

that if we met today,

it wouldn't happen?

Honestly, no.

Probably not.

- You're a super douchebag.

- I'm kidding!

- I'm kidding.

- I'm gonna strangle you!

- Last question.

- Shoot.

Did we decide on a method?

Is it worth trying the drunken sex thing

once or twice

on the off chance?

- He is not...

- Yeah...

And that is... Okay.

Sorry.

- Thanks. Thanks a lot.

- No, no, no. I'm sorry.

- It's just weird.

- I know.

It's like kissing a brother, or something.

- Great.

- Okay, try again.

- For real.

- It's fine.

Okay.

Maybe we should not kiss

and just watch the porn.

Little more porn.

It's just sex, come on.

- Just forget it's me for a second.

- Okay.

- And let's do this.

- Okay.

- Come on.

- Let me just dim the lights a little bit.

That's better. I'm sorry I don't have

big tits. I know that's your thing.

That's okay. I've seen your tits.

You have? When?

Streak night in college.

Hamptons time-share,

in the hot tub, millennium weekend.

- Oh, that was a great trip.

- It was.

You're stalling.

Sorry, okay.

Let's just do it.

Oh, I should tell you,

I'm a grower, not a shower.

I know.

- What?

- No, I know it gets big. Leslie told me.

Alex told her. Oh, and Callie told me.

- Callie told you?

- Yeah.

I think she was trying

to make me feel bad or something.

How?

I don't know, just 'cause I didn't have

access to your big dick or something?

I don't know, I didn't really get her.

Really? Why didn't you ever tell me that?

- I did.

- You did?

I did.

- Anyway. Okay.

- All right, good luck.

- Here goes...

- Yes.

Wow, does that move

really work on people...

Are you kidding me? Seriously?

Is this the way this is gonna go?

That was such a...

Right up there... It was...

Well, yeah, we gotta

get down to business here, sweetie.

It was very sudden.

I'm sorry, it's just sometimes

girls need a little foreplay.

- Oh, really?

- A little something.

Really? Is that what girls need? Are you

going to tell me about what girls need?

Sorry I said anything. Let's start again.

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