Friends with Kids Page #4

You know I'm gonna need

to get down there at some point,

if we're going to conceive a child.

- I do know that. Agreed.

- All right.

So may I approach the bench?

Yes.

Yeah? Okay.

- This way? Okay.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, was this a terrible idea?

Not the thing, not the plan, but this way.

Was it just not a good idea?

Maybe I should just get going. I mean,

this is starting to get embarrassing.

No, no, no. Please don't.

I haven't had sex in a really long time.

Really? Me, too. How long?

Three months.

- You?

- Thursday.

You are such an a**hole.

- God, you didn't even tell me!

- It's not a big deal.

- It's kind of a big deal.

- Really?

- With that waitress?

- Yeah.

I bet she had big tits.

- No.

- Yes, she did.

- She did, they were enormous.

- Such an a**hole.

You're such a jerk, I hate you...

Why don't you stop hitting me?

It's a pain in the ass.

Let's just pretend

we're really into each other, okay?

Okay.

So, a life coach.

What exactly does that mean?

Basically I just help people

strategize, focus, prioritize, you know?

Wow, that's a mouthful.

Hi, I'll have a glass of

the '93 Chteauneuf-du-Pape.

I'll just get a Stella.

Sorry, I have to take this.

Hey.

Now?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's okay.

Doctor Wong, great!

Do you think this epidural

should be working better or something?

Can you turn it up, do you think?

Meningitis. Meningitis.

Oh right, hey...

Can I ask you to put some of this on?

We saw an ER episode

where the woman got spinal meningitis

because she got the germs

from the doctor's hands and died.

It was really sad. I mean, it was good,

it was a strong episode, but sad...

All right, we're almost there, keep pushing.

Oh, my God, it really is disgusting.

It's super gross.

Your vagina looks like a jellyfish.

- Death by drowning or fire?

- Not now!

It's crowning. Scissors.

- No, no...

- Oh, no!

No, Doctor, please, no episiotomy.

She wants to be back in the dating pool

in six to eight weeks,

so if you could just

let it tear naturally...

What are you doing?

All right, just a few more pushes.

There, keep pushing.

- It's coming!

- I feel like it's coming out of my ass!

Really?

- Oh, my gosh, you guys.

- I know, right?

Hi.

Are you waving hello to us?

Unbelievable.

You have a baby.

- It was bad.

- I know, honey, you look good...

Look at him. He looks just like your father.

Really? Who remembers?

A widow with no grandchildren

until now remembers.

Mom, Dad left us 12 years before he died,

and he remarried,

you're not a widow,

that's not what "widow" means.

- Hello.

- Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

- Hey, Marcy.

- Hello, sweetheart.

This is all very weird.

Hi, Phil. Nice to see you.

Elaine, how've you been?

Just wish my husband was here to see this.

Leslie, Alex, how are your children?

- The ones born in wedlock?

- They're fine, thank you.

- Who wants champagne?

- Right here.

I'd love some, Alex.

It seems appropriate, right?

So, this is Joe.

Nice job, son.

Well...

- Phil, give him the gift.

- Right.

This is for your share, son.

- Dad...

- Oh, no, no, it's fine.

Of course,

it's all going to be down the middle.

- So, don't worry.

- Okay, we gotta run.

- Really? That's it?

- Congratulations.

So you're... That's your... Okay.

Gotta go check in at the hotel.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye.

Thanks for...

They are a delight. Cheers.

You're really sweet.

- It's a shame he got my nose.

- I know. And my weak chin.

Your chin's not weak.

Yes it is, I just jut it out a lot

because I'm self-conscious.

- Lf I kind ofjust...

- Oh, yeah, you do.

- Never noticed that before.

- Yeah.

- But he got your upper lip, thank God.

- And hopefully my sense of humor.

- What?

- What?

Hey, how was your date, by the way?

She over-French-pronounces French words.

- That's terrible.

- Yeah. I needed an out.

Good job.

- Hey, doll, you did great.

- Thanks.

- He's pretty special, huh?

- Yeah.

I'm glad we did this.

- Me, too.

- I think it's gonna work out really well.

You can take these up to your place, right?

Ski boots. Oscillating fan.

Terrible luggage.

You all right?

Okay.

- Hey.

- Oh, thank God you're here.

What happened?

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I did everything. I fed him, I changed him,

I burped him, I swaddled him...

- Did you do the mobile?

- Mobile...

- You did mobile.

- I did mobile, and the train thing,

and fly like an airplane

and he's been crying like this for an hour!

- I think he hates me!

- No, he doesn't hate you, sweetie.

He doesn't hate anybody.

He's not a hater. Come here.

He's not bright enough to be a hater

right now, his brain is like this big.

- Don't say that.

- It's true.

Don't say that in front of him.

He's dumb as a stump right now.

He can't discern the nuances of

who to hate right now. That comes later.

You're okay.

How did you do that?

It's simple. He loves me and he hates you.

- Oh, you are so mean!

- I'm joking!

- Are you kidding me?

- Look.

Are you kidding me? Are you re-gifting?

- Yes. We have to be quiet.

- Is this for me?

- No, this is temporary. So calm down.

- Is this for me?

Okay. Oh, great.

I can't do it. I gotta put Joe to bed.

It's my night. Let's do Tuesday.

No, my kid's got tumbling practice.

- What? They're enormous, right?

- They're big.

But, you know, that's a good thing.

What is the tits thing?

I sort of get it now, but...

Look, I can explain it very simply to you.

Look at Joe right now.

See how happy he is?

That's as happy as he's ever going to be.

Buried in tits.

And your last job was?

I was taking care of the most

beautiful little girl in SoHo.

- Wow.

- That's wonderful.

Wow.

I just want to make one note.

Is there anything you see, Jase,

that you want to enquire about?

- Or comment on?

- Right.

- No.

- No.

So, do I have the job?

Hey, when do you think it'll be okay

to get naked with someone?

Let me see.

I think we're three weeks out.

- Three to four.

- Okay, thanks.

Five, tops.

No, we haven't seen them.

Like not once. Just e-mail.

I'm amazed we're finally being invited over

to witness this grand experiment

in progress.

- You haven't seen Jule?

- No, can you imagine?

We've had two dinner dates, and late drinks,

she calls to cancel at the last minute,

literally while I'm in the cab, by the way,

and I had a sitter and everything.

And these are on her nights,

and I'm like, "Really?"

Dude has missed the last five poker nights,

and I'm like,

"I'm sorry, that's living the dream?"

That's my shitty life.

Seriously, I expected a lot more

out of these guys. A lot of big talk.

He didn't even come Monday

when I had floor seats for the Knicks.

- F*** you, why didn't you ask me?

- F*** you, you were in Chicago.

Honey, just the floor, baby, that's it.

You got it.

- How was it?

- It was amazing.

I was right by Seinfeld.

- Get the f*** out.

- No.

Get the f*** out.

- Great.

- That's funny.

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