Friends with Kids Page #5

You know what, guys?

I think that they are really struggling.

And I think they just

haven't been able to face us.

Maybe.

I don't think they had any idea

how hard any of this was gonna be.

They had no idea.

F*** off!

Troy.

- He's good at that.

- No.

Anyway, I think we need to be

a little more supportive. You know?

Yeah, they're probably in hell.

Hey!

Hey, Cole. How are you,

can I take your coat?

Good to see you, long time.

Hi, Troy, how are you?

Hi, Katie, you look so pretty.

Hey, Cole, can I take your backpack?

There he is.

- Thank you very much.

- The place looks amazing.

Something smells good.

- Hey, Jase, did you remember to get...

- Of course, I did.

Hey, who would like to watch

Thomas the Tank Engine?

- I do! I do!

- Thomas! Let's do this.

Uncle Jason is going to take you guys...

- I know you want an espresso.

- Oh, please.

Help yourself. We have Bloody Mary mix,

mimosas, whatever you want,

I'm going to get the coffees going.

Look at this!

I can't believe how big he's gotten.

Nineteen weeks, can you believe?

- I feel totally inadequate.

- No, don't.

This is ridiculous.

- Yes, sweetie, if you need sugar, cream...

- Gosh, look at you guys. Thank you...

Jason made the most amazing quiches.

We've got quiche Lorraine,

and spinach, too.

Oh, I got it, yeah.

They're really great and hot, so dig in.

- It's all right, buddy.

- Hey, Jule, can you take him?

Oh, you're such a faker.

Oh, you're okay.

Why don't you check him?

You wanna check him?

- Yeah, maybe. Do you mind?

- Yeah, sure.

- Can you do it?

- Yeah, can you deal with the coffee?

Yeah, I figured out the thing

I kept f***ing up, it was the lever...

Look at you, competent.

See how that works?

Yeah, sure, it turns out

I'm much better with sh*t than she is.

It's true. But we decided guys spend more

time crapping and puking, right?

Are you kidding me?

This one goes into the bathroom

with a laptop and a sandwich.

I like to take my time, babe.

I like to take my time.

Why are you proud of that? It's gross.

So, you guys, tell me everything,

what's been happening?

Let's see...

Well, we've been filling out the world's most

ridiculous kindergarten application for Cole,

tougher than the LSATs.

- Oh, my God, really?

- It's literally 17 pages of stuff like,

"What are your child's

most promising attributes?"

I don't know. Pulling on his wiener

and hitting stuff all the time?

Freaking out his sister.

- It's just gas.

- Oh, good.

Hey, Jase, how are things

with the hot Latina nanny?

Thanks for sending me her Facebook page,

by the way,

I jerked off to it a few times already.

Wow, you are such a pig!

You're a complete pig!

- You weren't in the room.

- It's fine. Penelope's over.

- It doesn't matter.

- What, since last night?

- Yeah.

- What happened?

She got needy. And she voted for Bush.

Damn, six weeks and out?

We could have hired her.

You don't think Gladys is working out?

No, I do, she just scares me a little.

Doll, you didn't tell me that. Come on.

- She's, like, mean to me sometimes.

- She is?

- A little bit mean. Just a couple of times.

- She's gone. I'm gonna kill her.

I think she just doesn't like me, exactly...

Julie, when are you gonna

get back out there?

- Oh, I don't know, I'm not ready yet...

- She thinks her vagina's too loose.

- Jason!

- No, I do. I absolutely do.

- But she's Kegeling.

- Talking about Kegeling?

- What is Kegeling?

- It's exercises to strengthen your vagina.

Yeah. I'm doing them constantly.

I'm doing them right now.

- You can't even tell.

- I can tell.

- I can see.

- You saw it, right?

That was a mean Kegel.

Jule, don't wait too long, 'cause I

have some serious prospects for you.

Not all of them are convicts.

- Oh, my God, I'm so annoyed with you.

- Fingers crossed.

- I don't want to go.

- You're going. You should just go.

But how lame is it that it's a lunch?

I mean, late lunch? Really?

Lunch is good, lunch is low stakes.

I just want to stay here, though,

and go to the park with you guys.

I don't want to miss anything.

We're literally going to see you

in two hours.

I know, but late lunch. It's so unpromising.

- You know what I think?

- What?

I think late lunch

can turn into early cocktails.

So you can roll into evening

if it's going well,

but you also have a solid out

'cause it's just lunch.

- A late lunch.

- A late lunch, yes.

So, I think it's an impressive,

strategic move on his part.

Wow. Thanks for saying that.

All right, I'm gonna go.

Good-bye. Good-bye.

I will see you very soon. Bye.

Have fun with Daddy.

Say bye to Mommy.

Tell Mommy you hope she gets laid!

Shut up! God.

No, no.

Holy sh*t.

Slow down!

Okay, okay, you know what? Hey.

- Okay, buddy, you just go with this, okay?

- Okay, let's sit. Can you sit?

Sit. Thank you.

"Daw!" That's right, bud. "Daw!"

Yeah, do you want to say hi to "daw"?

Well, maybe this drop-dead beautiful woman

who owns the "daw" will let you...

Let you say hi...

Are you serious?

You're gonna hit on me with a baby?

That's terrible. Boo!

- What's wrong with you?

- No, no, no, hey, I'm a free agent.

I'm not married.

And I wasn't hitting on you.

Really?

Okay, yeah, maybe I was

hitting on you. But...

Thank you.

To be honest,

you can't really walk around with that

face and not invite that kind of comment.

I'm sorry for saying that,

that was the first thing that came out.

I'm not usually this inarticulate or cheesy.

I'm a bit off my game. A bit off my game.

- Maybe a little bit.

- Yeah.

I'm sorry, do you mind if we, you know,

he gets so excited when he sees a dog,

it's crazy.

Yeah, of course, it's fine.

Hey, buddy, do you want to see the doggy?

Great dog.

Yeah, he's actually my neighbor's dog.

I could never ever be responsible

for another living thing.

He's adorable.

Thanks, yeah, I think so.

Except for the nose.

He got mine, poor thing.

World of pain coming.

Really? I think you have a great nose.

- Oh, thank you.

- Yeah, it's your ears I would worry about.

- Really...

- I'm just kidding.

What's wrong with your nose?

You know, it's just always

been a thing for me, like...

At certain angles, I really like

the way it looks, and others, it's like,

I don't know,

it's not quite symmetrical with my chin.

Wow, this is coming off very gay.

And I am straight, 100%.

You should know that.

Don't let the hair product fool you.

Oh, boy...

- Okay, so you're not married.

- No.

- You're not gay.

- No.

- And you have a baby.

- Yeah.

So you're divorced?

No. Never married.

So, did you knock up a Catholic girl, or...

No, she's not religious.

We're friends, and she really wanted a baby.

So, you know, this is my life now.

Half the time. We split custody.

- Wow. That's noble.

- Thank you.

- I'm Jason, by the way. I'm sorry.

- Maryjane.

Maryjane. That is a great name.

- I was named after shoes.

- It's a terrible name.

Just kidding. It's a good name.

It's a lovely name.

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