Friends with Kids Page #6

Sorry, do you wanna go get coffee

with me, by any chance?

Just a cup of coffee.

You are a pumpkin.

You are such a pumpkin.

- So what was wrong with him?

- Nothing. He couldn't have been nicer.

So just boring? Flatline?

He was a nice, pleasant guy.

Well, you got back out there,

and we're all real proud of you.

Thank you.

- Cherry popped.

- So to speak.

- Oh, I have some news.

- Oh, yeah?

Let me put him down,

and I can give you my full attention.

It is way past bedtime.

- Bye!

- Bye. Good night, buddy boy.

Okay, all right, I got you. Let's go.

Let's go.

- Bye.

- Say good night to Daddy.

- Say good night.

- Bye.

- I'll be right back.

I want to hear your news. - Okay.

What?

Nothing, I...

Just...

I don't think this is so hard.

You know.

I mean, for me, it's been really...

Really great.

- You know?

- Well, maybe we just got a good one.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe.

Well, we also have the advantage of...

We're not sleeping together,

and we're not attracted to each other,

so there's none of that sex stuff

to cloud the experience.

Right.

I mean, it'd be different if we were married

and I owed you something,

and every time I went out,

you resented the sh*t out of me,

and every time I commented

on how hot another woman is,

you thought I was an a**hole,

or if I had to say you were back

at your old weight when you weren't.

All that stuff. We're lucky.

- This is clean. Simple. You know?

- Yes, yes.

So, I'm sorry, you said you had...

Thank you. You had news. What's your news?

Oh, right.

I think I met "the girl" today.

I'm serious.

That's so great. That's so great.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

Oh, babe. I was waiting for this to happen.

You were?

I mean, honey,

you can't share all that sh*t with someone

and not get confused, you know?

Right. I'm just confused. It's not like

I really want him or something, right?

- No, honey. Yeah, it's Jason. You know?

- I know.

Jason, who we've always found to be...

- Slightly effeminate.

...kind of gay.

- He's short for you.

- Yes. He's too short for me, right?

Yes, yes.

- You have never...

- He is too short for me, right?

...dated anyone near your height.

- Is that right?

Just because

it makes me feel big, you know?

Makes me feel like a linebacker, you know?

Like, I have to slouch.

You never go short, right?

You can't wear heels...

- You can't look up and...

- Yeah. Yeah. I know.

Plus he only likes hot girls with big tits.

He doesn't find me even remotely attractive.

Stop it. Stop that.

I got to tell you, you know what,

he's a pig when it comes to women.

I know.

This has got nothing to do with you.

This is a guy who is a terrific friend,

and he is a disaster romantically.

Yes.

And plus, we just know each other too well,

you know?

He's like a brother.

- He's like an annoying dog of a brother.

- Right.

You don't want that.

You don't want your brother.

- Right. Of course not.

- Because that's... That's gross.

It is gross. And I don't want him.

- You don't, right? Yeah.

- I don't.

I just want someone.

You know, I just want somebody.

It's been a really long time.

I've never felt lonelier, you know.

This is good. Change is good.

I'm telling you,

I have at least four setups.

- Okay, yeah.

- Okay?

- One of which is promising.

- Okay.

- Okay?

- All right. And what about the other ones?

They're not as promising.

If you had any idea what it was like

to look at you wearing that thing...

I'm gonna head out.

It makes, like, boners shoot out of my eyes.

- I'm going on my date.

- Okay, bye, Jule.

Sorry about that, baby.

We're all men, right?

I mean, I showed up a man, I'm pretty sure.

And not for nothing, but it's like,

whose dick did you kiss to get

the company pen, you know what I mean?

Probably.

- It's fine, it's fine.

- He sounds pretty upset.

No, no, no. It's fine. It's fine.

I'll be right back.

I got it. I'll be right in. Yes, I will.

I promise. Bye. I gotta go.

- Where do I...

- Go talk to your guy. Go talk to your guy.

Can I throw a grenade on him?

- No, because he's on your team.

- Right. How do I do that?

Follow, it's showing you. It's showing you.

I will do it. I will do it.

You are so terrible at this. You are so bad.

- Did you enjoy the show?

- Oh, my God, it was amazing!

That MJ's really something, huh.

Yeah, I had no idea

what a big deal this whole thing was.

She's so great.

Hey, Lewis, don't forget rehearsal tomorrow,

right? 7:
00. She's right this way.

- You decent?

- Yeah.

Someone's here to see you.

- In here?

- In here.

Hey. Oh, my God, thank you very much.

Hi. Thanks so much.

Is this okay that I come back here?

- Yeah, of course.

- Oh, my God.

Well, she's an amazing dancer,

so you can imagine how flexible she is.

She literally does this position

where her legs go behind her...

I don't even know how it's done.

I don't understand how it's possible.

Dancers are usually lithe and boyish, so...

Okay, well,

get ready because here's the amazing thing.

She is a skinny, flexible dancer,

with a big rack.

I mean, what are the odds?

- What are the odds?

- Wow, that is so great.

- I know.

- Yeah.

Yeah. Is she nice?

Does she have any sort of personality?

Oh, the body is just the gravy.

She is so cool and smart and talented,

and she doesn't want kids.

She's amazing, you're gonna love her.

- I can't wait for you to meet her.

- Yeah, me, too.

- What was that?

- What?

- Are you not okay with this?

- What?

I don't know. You just seem

so unsupportive. That's so unlike you.

Oh, no, no, no. She sounds...

She sounds great.

She is. I can't wait for you to meet her.

Me, too. Me, too.

Okay.

I gotta go. I'm late. So have a great night.

- Hey, hey, hey, where you going?

- Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. I'm going home.

No, no, no, no.

- I'm just not feeling my sparkliest.

- Listen to me! Pull it together.

Right now, all right? Because this is it.

That guy over there,

is the Holy f***ing Grail.

- Okay.

- Let's go.

What's the catch?

There's no catch. Great guy, great dad,

very successful contractor.

He just got divorced, that was in March, so

I've sort ofjust been giving it time to settle,

you know, because you only get one shot

at a first impression.

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my God! So sorry.

- I'm sorry.

- Are you all right?

We're so sorry.

No, that was me. That was...

I lost my footing, and then,

I bumped into my friend Julie, here...

- We were looking at the tree...

- And then slammed into me.

- I'm so sorry.

- No, it is my fault.

I'm very clumsy.

Are you guys completely hammered already,

or what's going on?

- We're not drunk. Not yet.

- No.

I'm like an elephant in a china shop.

Bull in a china shop.

Anyhow, I am Kurt. And you are?

- Julie.

- I'm Julie.

Like she said.

- Okay, okay.

- Is everything okay?

Yeah, just a second...

Okay, well, I actually have to be

at the theater at like 7:00.

- Okay.

- So, I'm probably gonna head out...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes