Friends with Kids Page #7

Hey...

- Wow...

- How's it going?

That... That's...

It's okay.

- Okay, you know what, I'll see you later.

- Yeah, yeah.

I have the whole night

just like later on after this.

- Okay?

- Okay.

Yeah!

- Bye.

- How about a kiss. Just kidding.

So, what do you do?

When you're not busy

crashing elementary school functions.

Basically, I help this really rich guy

decide who to give his money to.

Wall Street guy, looking to

clear his conscience kind of thing?

Something like that, yeah. Nice guy, though.

- You know, ish.

- Ish.

Yeah.

Oh, God...

What is it?

Nothing, I really just haven't had

anything like...

Like this happening for me, so...

So, I just... You're very... You know...

- You're not so bad yourself.

- Oh, no, no.

I...

I mean, I can put myself together, but...

I just have good hair, you know.

Put myself together and good hair,

two things.

Oh, come on,

just hop in a cab and come back.

You know what? We have Sunday, right?

And I think that we should

just stick with that

instead of ruining it

with all of these almosts, okay?

But...

Look, I feel like a f***ing teenager

when I'm at your baby mama's apartment.

- Well, she's dating right now

so I have to... - No, I know.

You guys are super progressive

and cool and all of that sh*t,

and I love it, it's great, but I just

don't need to know the ins and the outs of it.

Okay, well...

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Babe, I have to go.

We are going to a gig downtown.

So I'm gonna talk to you later, okay?

Okay, well maybe I can meet you... Hello?

Babe?

Nobody ever came close?

Oh, no. I had this epic nine year thing

from college with this guy Andy,

but it ended,

badly.

I don't know. Just not much of note since.

- I'm surprised.

- Oh, well.

I don't get how people meet people

if it isn't through college or work.

Yeah.

Anyway, so how about you.

How did you meet your wife?

- College. Yep.

- Right.

- What could go wrong?

- Yeah.

What did?

You know, nothing really.

There's no big story there.

We just fell out of love.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be.

We had been going through the motions

for years, for the kids,

and it just seemed like a crazy way

to spend your life, I mean,

- we're not dead yet.

- Right.

So look, this is me.

So I can either call you a car,

or maybe you want to come up for a drink,

in a real glass.

I would love to, but I should go home.

- You know...

- Yeah.

- I have a baby.

- Okay.

- But there's no guy.

- Great.

I mean, there's a guy, but he's not my guy.

I mean, he's a friend guy,

but I'm totally unattached.

- Even better.

- Except for my kid.

- Yeah, of course.

- Are you sure you still want to...

Wow, do you always talk this much?

Maybe. Sorry.

- Morning, Gord.

- Morning.

It's a great day, isn't it?

Oh, my God.

Wow. Someone got lucky.

You have no idea.

- Is he asleep?

- Yeah.

This guy is amazing.

- Oh, yeah?

- Oh, yeah.

I mean, who knew there were men like this

out there in the world?

- Really?

- He's like, he's a man.

He's like a real, grown-up man.

So the exercises paid off.

The what?

Oh, yes, I think so.

I think it was pretty tight.

- Wow, and you were so worried.

- I know, I know, I mean...

Thank you. He's so big, it could be that

that just canceled out any looseness.

I mean, the last guy I had sex with was you

and this was like a quantum leap size-wise,

so I think it might end up being

the same tightness overall.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I didn't mean it that way.

No, you were totally perfectly

in proportion to your height.

Kurt's really tall, so...

- Kurt, huh?

- Yeah.

Is he a Nazi? Nazi basketball player?

- What?

- Nothing.

Oh, thank you for asking

about my night, by the way.

- Joe had explosive diarrhea.

- Oh, no.

Twice.

I scrubbed everything with bleach,

even the baseboards,

I did laundry,

and I waited up for you to come home,

so I could go see my girlfriend,

but I never heard from you

because you were f***ing Dirk Diggler.

- So...

- Wait a second.

I'm sorry.

- I thought I had your blessing.

- You do.

You always said if I was on a date

and it was going well, to just go for it.

- That's what we...

- Yeah, no, that's great.

That's perfect.

A call or a text would have been nice,

but I'm incredibly relieved to know

your p*ssy is still tight.

So, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go shower, change,

and try and reclaim a small shred of

my masculinity before going to work.

To try and sell beer.

- So, you're on duty tonight.

- Okay.

- All night!

- Okay.

Ski trip! Leave in 20.

- You do not sound excited.

- I'm excited!

No, we're good. We're gonna get

on the road in 15, 20 at the most,

which basically means 45 minutes.

I'm doing only slightly better myself.

Honey, did you find the sled yet?

I did everything you asked!

Thank you.

Oh, my God, I've been getting

really excited about this trip.

- I think it's gonna be fun.

- Do you think it's too soon?

What? With Kurt?

Yeah, I mean, meeting the friends,

and Jason and dancer girl with the tits.

Is this a terrible idea?

Stop it, it's a great idea.

Kurt gets it, he's got kids.

- Hey.

- Oh, there's Jason.

I should go. I'll call you from the road.

I love you.

- Okay, babe, love you.

- Bye.

Hey, thank you. Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.

Hey, buddy, how you doing? Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh.

I'll get it. Hello?

- Sorry, I must have pressed the wrong...

- Oh, no, no, no.

No, that's me. Hey, Kurt, it's me.

That's just Jason, my friend.

My baby... Joe's dad, that's just Joe's dad.

Come on up.

I...

So, are you guys all packed?

Oh, no, not quite. MJ's still in bed.

We had a pretty late night.

Right.

Well, do you want us to wait for you guys,

we have room for...

No, we rented a car.

Thought it would be more romantic

to take our time, stop along the way.

Never been on a road trip together.

Right. Right. Of course.

- Well, I better get going.

- Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah.

- Here you go.

- Okay, bud.

Okay, bud.

- All right, I got you.

- All right.

All right, well, have a great drive.

- We'll see you up there.

- Thank you.

Wow, you must be Kurt.

- Yeah, yeah. Hey, babe.

- Hi.

Boy, you were not kidding.

You are one extremely handsome

German man.

I'm actually from Long Island,

but, how are you?

Right. I'm Jason. This is my son.

- Hey, buddy.

- They know each other.

- Take it up top. Take it up top.

- Who's that? Who's that?

That hurts!

Oh, come here, you.

- Oh, I got you. I got you.

- You want Kurt? You want Kurt?

- Hey, buddy, good to see you again. Yeah.

- I know. I know.

- Hi.

- Hey, how are you?

I'm good. Oh, it's your best friend!

It's your best friend!

- What have I got in here?

- What did you bring?

Look at that treat. Check that out.

- Look at that.

- That's yummy.

That's so nice of you.

You know what, we don't actually

allow sweets this early in the day.

Oh, you know what,

but this is actually the fake stuff, carob.

It just looks like chocolate.

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